civil partnership question?

tfd

My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years and we are planning a civil partnership later in the year - but we want a quiet do with just us and 2 witnesses.
We don't want any fuss as we are mainly doing this for financial reasons/wills/inheritance tax/pensions etc.
Making it legal will make no difference to our relationship - I hope!!

We live in the North and are planning the partnership in London where we met.

I say we should tell our families a few days before we go -my partner says we should not tell them until after we have been through the partnership.

I don't want to upset any of them but at the same time I want to do what is right for us.

What do you think and how would you feel if one of your family was planning to do what we are planning to do?

mildred1978

tfd wrote: »

My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years and we are planning a civil partnership later in the year - but we want a quiet do with just us and 2 witnesses.
We don't want any fuss as we are mainly doing this for financial reasons/wills/inheritance tax/pensions etc.
Making it legal will make no difference to our relationship - I hope!!

We live in the North and are planning the partnership in London where we met.

I say we should tell our families a few days before we go -my partner says we should not tell them until after we have been through the partnership.

I don't want to upset any of them but at the same time I want to do what is right for us.

What do you think and how would you feel if one of your family was planning to do what we are planning to do?

I have a relative in almost the exact same situation (but they've only been together about 10 years). Some health issues have 'focused their minds' so they're going somewhere to get their civil partnership.

They've told everyone the date, but no details. However, my aunty has managed to find out the venue (said she wanted to send a card) and the time (?) and her and another relative are planning to turn up and surprise them/be their witnesses or whatever and then take them for a meal.

I'm not sure how that's going to work out TBH. I think that if they wanted people there, they would have invited them. But then again family members want to [STRIKE]take over [/STRIKE]show support.

If you have relatives like my aunty, I'd tell them after the event, unless you want them to turn up!

dirtysexymonkey

uncle went off and married, only told some family, not others and it started cracks that led to a big rift. cousin did it and everyone was really happy for them. i wouldnt tell anyone until after the event tbh. its your day, do it your way. congrats by the way!

lostinrates

fwiw, not civil partnership, but this is pretty much what dh and I did. we got married with two friends as witnesses, then had a meal with our family later. No huge fuss.

there is no doubt that some were a bit hurt, but also, that it was right for us under the circumstances. There is no lasting resentment, and it saved a lot of fuss and money, and was a deeply romantic way to do it. Instead of worrying about seating plans etc we were able to think about each other and pretty much only each other, and held hands all day long, which wouldn't have been possible if we had had a huge shindig.

Kittendreich

You don't need to tell them at all... You could just go and sign the papers with witnesses from the office and then carry on as normal. However, that is pretty extreme and if you do celebrate a bit and some people will know you should tell everyone. Perhaps invite everyone round to yours for lunch or something a few days later and announce it then - a couple of bottles of fizz and back to business as ususual. I'd not say beforehand unless you actually do want them there.

Marisco

When my daughter married her ex, I offered him a ladder, so they could elope quietly and cheaply:D Seriously though, I'd do what is best for the two of you, or if you really don't feel comfortable with telling no one, what about just telling your mam and dad? Or if they have died, a close sibling, asking them on pain of death not to say anything to anyone. TBH, if it was one of my kids, I don't think I'd mind, so long as no one knew IYSWIM. But if one side knew and I didn't, I'd be furious!! Anyway, good luck whatever you decide

Lotus-eater

I'm considering doing it tbh. I don't want to tell anyone about it before hand, otherwise they would just get upset they aren't being asked. On the other hand, they will be upset afterwards as they want a wedding, where we don't. We just want to be married legally without any fuss.

It's a difficult and very personal decision.

ViolaLass

mildred1978 wrote: »

They've told everyone the date, but no details. However, my aunty has managed to find out the venue (said she wanted to send a card) and the time (?) and her and another relative are planning to turn up and surprise them/be their witnesses or whatever and then take them for a meal.

I'm horrified by this. I really hope the lucky couple don't end up feeling it's spoiled their day.

Artytarty

I should think that after 20 years together they accept you as a couple! Why not tell them beforehand?
If I were your relative and I liked you both I should like to be able to mark the occassion in some small way. Maybe a meal out the following week for family/friends.
My Dad told me he was getting married again. Bit of a shock, but not huge.
I was quite looking forward to "it" whatever that was going to be.
Then he just arrived and said "we got married last week" I then felt excluded as the choice of whether or not to go was taken away from me!And i would have gone and been happy for them...

mildred1978

ViolaLass wrote: »

I'm horrified by this. I really hope the lucky couple don't end up feeling it's spoiled their day.

Me too. The couple are travelling to somewhere where no family are near. The rest of the family see that as a hint . The relatives would be travelling about 400 miles each way to attend. It's interfering and I think it will blow up in their faces.

VfM4meplse

I would make it clear that the two of you plan to legalise your relationship - that will give offer a window in which your respective families can wish you well / flush out concerns.

And then I would just go ahead and do it as planned, let everyone know that the deed is done later.