Real life MMD: Should I reclaim the car?

penarthian

You helped your daughter because you love her, one day she will return the debt, in love when you need it most.

nixblags

Some advice I heard recently - if you are lending money to family only do it if you are willing to treat it as a gift further down the line. A family member who has had a nervous breakdown needs support now more than ever. Its hard to understand as its not a physical illness or disability that can be seen and more readily understood and sympathised with. Recovery time can be a long slow process. Adding more stress by removing support is likely to make things worse and hinder recovery. As she has children this will also impact on them. Is the welfare of your child/grandchildren more important than money? I am sure if/when things improve they will pay you back.

JoannaS_3

Hi there

Wow I can't believe some of the ridiculously judgemental responses on here......anyone who has questioned you as a parent is a fool (people in glass houses and all that)....you wouldn't have come here asking for help if you didn't feel you needed it.

As there is much of the background information to your story missing, it makes answering tricky but here goes:

I feel you do need the money or you wouldn't be in the dilemma you're in. I would go and talk to your daughter's husband and explain that you don't want to put any more pressure on him but that you are struggling financially and could do with a more regular payment, no matter how big or small the amount.

Yes as a parent you would do anything for your children but it sounds to me like you've already done everthying you can....not many would risk their own credit rating to borrow money on someone else's behalf.....family or not....so carry on being the kind parent you are and try and find a compromise until your daughter is well enough to take back control of her finances.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.

ripongrammargirl

I was in a similar situation several years ago, where I became very ill from smokers at my workplace and ended up very depressed: I lost my job because of all this, could not afford my essential medication to deal with my acute asthma that I had, could not pay my mortgage, heating (in the middle of winter), was living on one cup-a -soup per day and was selling everything I could just to make sure I kept the roof over my head. I also sold my car and when I eventually managed to coax a bit of money from my parents to help me out I never heard the end of it all (lectures daily on living above my means-untrue as I had worked seven days a week for 11 hours a day for 3 years- and everything comes back to haunt you if you don't save etc etc) and I had to repay them every week without fail. I come from a very caring, loving family but it is lessons like this that make you stronger in the long run (although it seems like Hell at the time). If everything was given out on a plate at the slightest problem then nobody would ever learn anything. It is all about living within your means, stop spending on non-essential items and luxuries. It seems to me that at this moment in time for this family that a car is living beyond their means and non-essential. Everybody has legs to get to places, shopping can be delivered to your door etc etc. This lady needs to take back the car if her daughter can't pay because she will be doing her a huge favour in the long run, as all other costs associated with a car will be gone thereby giving this family more income than they currently have. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Deal with it and move on.

sassyblue

I couldn't take back the car, they're having a terrible time and your her mum, why would you want to 'punish' her?

The only instance l would ask for the car was if they were throwing money around elsewhere whilst refusing to pay you back - even then l would feel the bad person.

Sit them both down and work out what they can afford and ask that a standing order is set up. If they won't, you'll have to pay for it and hope that one day she'll be in a position to repay you.

JayD

Of course you shouldn't take the car back!!
This is your daughter!!
When she so obviously needed a car, you helped her out. That is very admirable. Unlike many children, she has paid you back faithfully right up until she suffered this distress - even now payments are being made, albeit sporadicly. I think you should be grateful that an effort is still being made to honour that commitment!

My mother told me long ago that when you 'lend' your children money (and this is basically that), you must consider it to be a gift and if they give you anything back to think of it as a bonus. She also said never to loan anything (to anyone) that you cannot live without.

Both of those little gems have stood me in good stead and I recommend that attitude wholeheartedly.

I lent my son a substantial amount of money a few years ago now, with the rider that it would be interest free and there was no pressure to return it but maybe everytime he got paid a bonus with his salary, a third should of it should go to me to be set against that loan. He has received several bonuses since then and I haven't seen a penny! But I have never hassled him for one either. He is my son - he was in dire financial straits - helping our chldren out any way we can is what parents do - unconditionally.

Please continue to be the caring supportive parent you have already demonstrated yourself to be and continue to be patient and generous - silently.

cuba2008

I can't believe how judgemental some people are being suggesting you are a bad parent for daring to ask such a question. Reading your dilemma, you clearly state that your daughter needed the car to get to Uni. From that, I would assume they already had another vehicle which her husband uses for work and is the family car. She also probably got a bursary and possibly worked at the hospital in some capacity part time (which is what a lot of trainee nurses and midwives do) and was therefore financially able to repay the loan. None of that is relevant anymore if she has had to leave Uni (even if she intends to resume her studies at some point in the future). Either way, they clearly can't afford to run two cars now and, that being the case, I would speak with your son in law and explain that,given the circumstances, you need the car back. Just because you had a good enough credit rating to obtain the loan, doesn't necessarily follow that you are financially in a position to pay it back out of your own income. It may be that you have to sell the car to repay the loan or, if you have a vehicle of your own, sell that. Just because she is your daughter, it doesn't follow that you should suffer financially to continue paying the loan.

jadetony

Never loan money to a friend or relative you are not prepared to give as a gift.....

You just have to let it go, anything else risks destroying the relationship, which (assuming this means something to you) is pointless over a car.

onesixfive

There is not enough information here.....
Sorry, its support they need - not hassle! 3 kids to look after, trying to maintain Midwifery career/Uni; Husband taking over unfamiliar territory of bills etc following his wifes breakdown.
If she's reliant on the Govt for sickness benefits or whatever (that's if they're entitled!) following her breakdown, then remember they may have a severe reduction, in income for some time & may still be catching up - hence their sporadic payments.
You need to seriously consider:
Who can best afford the payments? You (& do you have a partner? it doesn't say); or your daughter & her husband and 3 kids?
Is the daughter back at work/Uni after her illness? Does she need regular use of a car? Do running costs associated with the car - fuel, tax, maintenance etc - justify keeping the car? - why cant it be sold & pay off the outstanding debt? Could it not be traded-in or downgraded?
How old are "the kids" - could they work/contribute to their household's costs?
Have you any other daughters/sons - could they perhaps help you or your daughter?

Pembroke

Presumably you're talking about a cash loan? If it's a car loan the finance company could solve the problem for you by re-possessing it.

The other solution is that as the reason for having the car is now invalid maybe suggest to them they sell the car, that way they can pay you back and use their balance for household expenses.