Where there's muck there's brass

Buffythedebtslayer

Although I don't have kids so much of what you write makes sense to me. I sometimes feel like I can take on the world and that nothing can stop me. And then other times I do let my family and people in my life beat me down.

The only time I have ever been "success" is when i have stuck to a strict routine and completed my tasks in my time in my way. This made me feel more in control and thus more confident.

It is very easy to listen to the small negative voices that tell you nothing is going to work. This is when so much time is spent on the computer in the corner reading (in my case) stories I should feel inspired by but actually just make me feel more useless.

Is there a way the kids can play in different rooms, can you all watch a DVD together? any chance of walk?

please don't feel alone, we are our harshest critics and need to be kinder to ourselves. The 15 minutes is a good thing.

post soon ok

Buffyxx

RubySewSew

Just got a debt recovery letter - a notice of intended litigation. It's from Moorcroft Debt Recovery representing Santander.

What do I need to do?

Buffythedebtslayer

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3454037

Hope you have seen your replies Ruby, naff thing to say but try not to worry mate, doesn't sound so bad.

Santander are gits if they have broken the agreement. I am sure the CCCs will beable to help too

15 minutes at a time

xxx

Eager_Elephant

RubySewSew wrote: »

The kids are back today and already driving me insane. Its actually genuinely quite upsetting they way they behave towards each other. I just feel exhausted and depressed by continuously having to intervene with their arguments. It is absolutely non stop. I want to focus on positive parenting but struggle to find positives. So instead I end up sitting curled up in a corner on the computer. I am really struggling to want to be involved with them at the moment. I know that this is a situation that needs professional help but the system is so slow moving. I feel like the holidays have passed in a whirl of fights, mess, anger, upset, hurt and arguments. Individually they are good kids but their dynamic together is all consuming.

The relevance to this is that when the boys are here I feel drained of motivation, enthusiasm or inspiration. I have no fire in my belly for self improvement or home improvement or financial improvement. I feel lost and weighed down and alone. I comfort myself with eating and with spending. And I use the same things to punish myself for not being a better parent.

Maybe today I am going to make the decision to ignore these feelings and get on with it anyway. 15 minutes at a time.

Oh (((Ruby)) I am sorry you are feeling like this.

I know exactly how you feel, I had 2 weeks off at the start of August and my kids were fine the first week but in the second week I could have lynched them.

But lesson learnt and next year I will only book 1 week and then another week later in August.

How do the children behave at their dad's?

Could you work a few days a week in the holiday and put the children into childcare so you actually get a break from them?

Not sure what the answer is for more enthusiasm but why not make the best of the areas you can and leave the boys bedrooms until they are ready to help and if that means removing stuff then so be it.
I hope your bedroom is getting there as it is good for you if the place you sleep is nice and tidy and all in order.

EE

RubySewSew

I have accidentally stumbled across this new thread which has made me count my blessings..

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3421385

My day has not been particularly productive. Took the dog out for a walk. Wrapped some books and took them to the post office. 2 were text books I sold on Amazon (must be on somebody's reading list!). The fees are ridiculous! I sold a book for £17.80 I got £13.85 and the postage was £8.95!!! Can anyone suggest any cheaper alternatives?

We went out again this evening because I forgot I left the car at my friends house. We've got a dr's appt at 9am so couldn't leave it there! It was actually quite nice going out for an evening walk with the boys. I might have to keep that in mind for another evening - not many summer evenings left!

RubySewSew

I think things have got about as low as they are going to get. But I'm amazed at what I have discovered about myself getting here. A few things happened yesterday that have made me decide that the rest of my life starts now. So, here is what happened...

I went to the dr yesterday with a list for each member of the family. The list in itself was enough to make me realise that we are all managing complex health conditions. I had on my list: rhinitis, wrist pain, 7 year old verucca, migraines, depression, prolapse, gallstones... I think that was it! The main thrust of the conversation though was the behavioural difficulties that I am having with the children. We were in the surgery for an hour and 20 mins and they had to bring in the consultant GP. I ended up sobbing once she started asking me more detailed questions about the boys behaviour and I will be as frank with you as I was with her: I can't cope. I'm not coping. I have focussed so much on sorting out our finances and earning enough money to keep us afloat that I have allowed my family to get to crisis point. My children are tearing each other apart and I allow my ex-husband to manipulate and determine our course. I have been so unhappy and really quite unwell for such a long time. And now this all has to change.

When I return to work next week it will be for 3 days a week. I won't be earning very much. I was planning to fit all kinds of projects in and around my fixed working hours to try and improve things financially. But instead I am going to spend this time on just one thing: me. I am going to focus on nourishing a healthy body, a healthy mind, a healthy family and a healthy house. Whereas I used to support us with constitutional complementary therapies I've let this fall to the wayside because of lack of funds. I've always been interested in nutrition and this has drifted because of tiredness. I know that we need a lot of investment to start getting ourselves back together but then perhaps some of the deep rooted health and behavioural problems will start to shift.

I need to invest in the boys and their needs and their behaviour and their relationships and their differences. They need stimulation and independence outside of the family home and their Dad is not going to pay for that voluntarily. They need to have time alone with me and I need time alone with them and without them. My life has been swallowed up by 3 incredibly needy children and I have forgotten to look after myself and protect my own health and wellbeing and so am failing to meet their needs. This needs to change.

Financially things are desperate but that can't be as important as putting ourselves back together again. I need to go away and make a new budget that focuses on supporting our health and psychological needs and maybe then we can start to work on wealth.

We have been referred to CAMHS for psychological support. The healthcare professionals have recognised that myself and my children are in urgent desperate need of psychological support.

I am a proud single parent. I cannot control how my ex husband behaves or how he chooses to parent. I can protect what is legally and rightfully ours. I can provide for my children and for their complex needs. I can't do it alone. I can ask for help.

This will take a bit of thought and a bit of time and a bit of practice to get right but I will get there.

Buffythedebtslayer

I am sure you will Ruby, I am sure because you are a very determinded lady and have dealt with a great deal so far. I know you don't feel like it now but I think you are brilliant to have handled everything so far.

Just keep swimming xxx

Eager_Elephant

Oh Ruby I bet you are so glad you went to the doctors - how lovely of them to spend so much time with you and to put in measures to help you manage.

I hope today is really the start of a whole new refreshed life

((Ruby & Family))

RubySewSew

I should say that in all the doom and gloom there was something lovely and exciting... wait for it... I got a tax rebate!! Equivalent to a months salary :) It is very, very much needed right now but before I start being too sensible I am going to address my lack of work wardrobe and shoes. Hoping the sales will have something lovely to offer.

Ok. I'm off to sleep. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day. And I have some lovely friends who are getting together to organise a sauna for me. Money is a very small part of what makes the world go round.

RubySewSew

I've had really quite a lovely day. The boys have been pretty reasonable - a bit of bickering but nothing major. I have planted some pansies and had a bit of a potter in the garden. I have broke the back of my worst job of the year - sorting out the school uniform. And, and, I have ordered myself some clothes!! 6 dresses from Tesco for £108 (free delivery and £10 off), a dress, cardie and corsage from Asda for £35, a pair of boots from Brantano for £30 (20% off voucher when I bought the kids shoes at the end of summer) and a new shiny pencil case for free! Well, nearly free, our local WHSmith is having trouble with their card machine so I had to run up the road to get cash out at closing time and the nice lady gave me my pencil case for free to say sorry

And apart from 3 polo shirts and 1 waterproof jacket I have got all the school uniform :) - jeepers creepers though, I am so glad I got that rebate, I forgot how expensive it is! And that was being very conservative and leaving the ex-OH to his own devices to sort out uniform for the boys there.

I have also swapped the chickens around. I am going to be battery farming them until they can learn to be nice chickens! They murdered one of the chicks in the summer and now every time I try to reintegrate my Bantam they peck her in the head. So, the bantam and chick have got the run of the run, so to speak and the 4 big chickens are in the guinea pig run! The plan is to leave them in there for a couple of days and then take them out and reintegrate them into the big run 1 day at a time. I have no idea if it will work but have run out of ideas!

The sun is out, dinner is in the oven, there is a bottle of wine in the fridge and I am only really hoovering away from a tidy house. And I'm actually looking forward to going back to work next week (or is that getting the boys back to school?).