Horns of a Dilemma

LydiaJ

Wageslave

I think you've done such a fantastic job with all of your girls so far. lir is right - your brat has already had her horizons broadened way beyond what she was born to. And she has you - you are there for her, you love her, and you set her an amazing example of getting on with what has to be done, whatever difficulties life throws at you, and doing the right thing even when everyone around you is likely to misunderstand and disapprove. I know you're proud of her, and I bet she's proud of you too, and of what you've achieved despite what you've been through.

I don't know what you should do, although I admire the way you are wrestling with the issues. I can only tell you what my parents chose to do for my brothers and me, in case it is a useful example for you to bear in mind.

I'm one of those born to massive advantages - sadly many of which I'm unable to give my kids, but that's another story. I had the stable, loving two-parent home, the independent school education, and the encouragement to aim high academically. When I went to uni, my parents gave me enough to live on (although not lavishly), so that I did not need to leave uni in debt, and they would have paid my fees too if there had been any in those days. I remain very grateful for that.

A few years later, they wanted to do some IHT-avoidance stuff, and gave each of my older brothers a big chunk of money with instructions to pay it off their mortgages. I was not ready to buy a house at the time - I'm quite a bit younger than my brothers and wasn't at the right stage of life. (Silvercar makes a good point about students not being necessarily good landlords.) So they gave me the same size chunk of money, and told me it was for a house in the future. They told me what investment their IFA had recommended, and handed over the forms for me to sign to invest it, which I did.

The money was mine - there was nothing to stop me cashing the investment in and frittering away the money on whatever I chose - but I didn't. More to the point, I didn't let late-nearly-ex fritter it away on whatever he chose either, although he did suggest breaking into it every so often, and I probably would have given in if I hadn't felt that I'd promised not to spend it until I was ready to buy a house. When the time was right for me to buy a house, there it was waiting for me, and I used it.

Now, with hindsight, if any of us had had any idea how much HPI there was going to be between them giving me the money and me buying a house, then they'd have encouraged me to buy earlier, and I would have done. But that's irrelevant to my point here because then was then and now is now, and they're not the same.

What they did worked for us because I was the sort of person who would respect what they said when they told me the money was not to be used for anything other than a house. Knowing it was there didn't make any difference to my learning to earn my living, live within my means, pay my rent and so on. In fact it meant that when my husband left me I didn't qualify for some benefits that I might otherwise have got. But it did give me some added confidence and financial security to know that the money was there, as a springboard as intended, or if absolutely necessary as a safety net. I'm hugely grateful for that. I'm hoping to save up the money I get for my kids from late-nearly-ex's pension schemes to help them start adult life without debt and, I hope, with a bit of a springboard in the same way.

If any of that is of any use to you as food for thought, that's great, and if it feels irrelevant and unhelpful, then forget it.

neverdespairgirl

wageslave wrote: »

We are both rich mens daughters. Just from opposite ends of the social scale.

Your Da was a QC, mine sold fish round the doors. When my lot got a council house the neighbours got up a petition to get us evicted.

I want better for my daughter.

I cant give her what you had, that can't be bought. But I can give her better than she was born too.

Isn't that what my father worked for?

"Better" isn't about money. She has a mother who loves and cares for her fiercely. She's bright. That's a hell of a start for anyone.

I think you're too hung up on "class" - these things change. My Dad's grandmother was an illiterate, illegitimate Welsh-speaking country girl.

LydiaJ

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

"Better" isn't about money. She has a mother who loves and cares for her fiercely. She's bright. That's a hell of a start for anyone.

I think you're too hung up on "class" - these things change. My Dad's grandmother was an illiterate, illegitimate Welsh-speaking country girl.

I suspect that having the neighbours get up a petition to evict your family, presumably because of who you are rather than anything dreadful you've done, would be enough to make most people get hung up on class. I hope wageslave and her brat can find plenty of RL people who find their class to be as irrelevant as we do here on the NPT. That's because wageslave sometimes comes across as expecting most of the world to be against her, and I'd love her to live in a context where she doesn't feel that way.

You're so right that "better" is about so much more than money. All the same, financial advantages (whether it's help buying a house when you're grown up, or help paying school fees when you're younger) can be very useful if you also get the more intangible benefits of a positive parental influence. Money on its own without the intangible stuff can be a recipe for disaster, though.

SingleSue

I am afraid I have no suggestions to make because we, as a family, have never been in that sort of situation....our family motto appears to be "Do it yourself!"

I've no idea what I would do if I had that sort of money and also because having 3 children, all of which are mine, I would have to make sure they all received an equal amount but your circumstances are different to mine.

Re class, my fathers great grandmother, husband and children arrived in this country after being hounded out of the country they had been residing in (they were Jewish), with nothing but the clothes on their backs and had so much hatred thrown at them for having an obviously Jewish name, that they anglicised (sp) the family name and pretty much disowned their religion publicly and to their children.

HAMISH_MCTAVISH

wageslave wrote: »

I want better for my daughter.

Then teach her to be a decent, good and kind person. Inquisitive of the world around her, hard working, and not afraid to learn and experience.

All things I'm quite sure she'll have in abundance, if she's the progeny of "nice people".

My favourite employee joined our company as a 19 y/o casual worker a few years ago. Left school at 16, rough as hell, from the worst part of town, but full of the above qualities. She's a management trainee now, and I've enrolled her in our fast track senior management programme that is normally reserved for the brightest graduates destined for great things.

I met her mother and siblings recently..... Single mother, raising 3 kids on a council estate, and doing an outstanding job of it. Genuinely one of the most decent people I've ever met.

Money and class isn't what enables great kids to do great things in life.... Great parenting does that.

I wouldn't worry about buying her a flat. Sort out a flat share with some other good kids, and spend the rest on buying her some experiences that she'll never forget. Working in Australia for a year, paying her living costs through an internship with a great company, travelling the world, or even a post-grad degree if she finds something she loves.

It's rare you'll ever hear Hamish say anything other than "buy a house"..... But just trust me on this one, if the money has to buy something, let it buy an experience she'll treasure forever rather than a poky wee flat in Dalry.;)

bingobob777

wageslave wrote: »

The brat is 17. Freshers week was a nightmare, she was abandoned outside a nightclub by her peers as too young to get in. Left standing on a pavement in a strange city frightened to death.

This for a girl who hadn't even gone to the cinema in a small town on her own before.

It has been a steep learning curve for both of us.

To be frank, I am amazed how little parental guidance middle class teenagers get.

Maybe she should have been made more aware of the world before being shipped off to Uni?

Plenty of people two generations away from poverty make it through Uni supporting themself, without 40k handed to them. She sounds a bit precious and naive to me, is she really up to having her own house?

Is handing this over to daughter no.1 giving her an unfair advantage over the other two?

JanCee

If I was in your position I would use the money as a bribe to keep her at Uni, underhand I know, but if she hasn't enjoyed her first year then she may need an incentive to keep going. Maybe the promise of a car when she graduates with a good degree. The best possible investment you can make at the moment is in her education.

Lots of other posters have already pointed out that the timescale is far too short to be investing in property.

ViolaLass

bingobob777 wrote: »

She sounds a bit precious and naive to me, is she really up to having her own house?

Would she know how to pay bills and maintain or decorate it? What if, after uni, she decides she wants to live elsewhere? A house/flat will have tied her to somewhere she doesn't want to be.

My MIL didn't want my OH to want for anything when he was growing up. "I don't want you to have to think about money" she told him several times.

So when we met, I had to teach him about money, its value and how to budget. He wasn't stupid and can do it now but it had been drummed into him from day one that this wasn't something he should concern himself with. She went without so that she could pay his rent and give him money while he was at uni. As a result, he now feels guilty that, not knowing this at the time, he squandered large amounts of money at the pub etc, money that could have been paying her heating bills!

I think being a good parent doesn't mean giving your adult children nothing to worry about by paying for everything, it means giving them the skills to be able to deal with the world.

I second Hamish's excellent suggestion of using the money in other ways - to help her see the world, support herself through further study or an internship or whatever she wants to do. Mostly, I would use it to expand her knowledge/experience as it sounds like she's been a bit sheltered til now (perhaps with good intent but sheltered nonetheless).

System

If I couldn't trust my daughter to cook I certainly wouldn't trust her with my money or a house.

Are you living in 2011 or reading too much Jane Austen? Young ladies don't cook, they wait for someone with £40,000 to look after them?

PasturesNew

I'd say let her houseshare and look together for some cookery evening classes or a couple of good student cook books and she could practice at home now.

Put your money away somewhere safe.... it's better to have £40k + interest in the bank in 3 years' time than a flat that's worth less, has cost money to buy, will cost money to sell .... and would still need to be paid for while it sits and awaits a buyer. Also .... what if in a year's time she hates the flat too?