Sympathy Flowers - Help Needed

Errata

tesuhoha wrote: »

It wasn't a wreath, it was flowers for the family. My husband came home and chose an Interflora bouquet which we have now ordered. He was close to the lad because he trained him up to be a plumber and knew him really well. We lived next door but one for 20 years, in and out of each others houses every day. We wanted to send them something special cos we love them.

I seem to have misunderstood your OP, I read it that you wanted to give flowers to the family and send a wreath for the funeral as well.

gallygirl

tesuhoha wrote: »

I am also sure I am saying all the wrong things.

That's because there are no right things to say so whatever you say will be wrong. What really matters is that you say something - which you have done.

tesuhoha wrote: »

Do you think I'm being a bit cold not going round. She said neighbours had been visiting her all day and talking about him and she would like to see me. I wasn't sure if she meant right now. I'm beginning to wonder what sort of a friend I am.

When my parents died the house was busy and full on, with things to do. Then the funeral and BANG - everyone went away and left me, that's when I could have done with support. If you feel now is not the right time then that will be the time.

TBH though, I would go round now and just give her a hug.

gg x

poppy_f1

NuttyFaggot wrote: »

I understand what you are saying poppy_f1 but sometimes it is not about what the recipients like/dislike it is about the giver being able to express their feelings. Not everyone can write "a few nice words" but feel they can "say it with flowers". Hope that makes sense, probably not though

i know what your saying but flowers seem to be the default answer when there are other ways to express your sympathy.....and as much as i dont like flowers i in a way appreciated the thought behind them even tho i hated them in the house

nearlysorted

3 years ago my best friends baby died, I said some (looking back now) awful foot in mouth comments, however my friend was just grateful that I didn't try to avoid her nor what was happening.
As I too felt at a loss as to how I could help, So I had made order of service cards for the funeral, at the time she couldn't really think straight, afterwards she said she was so glad she had them.
My nan died last week and again this week i am going to do the same again, they are a lovely comfort to look back on.
Do you think your friend might like this instead of flowers?
Also, I ring my friend on the anniversary, although I don't mention the date she knows that I know what day it is.

Spirit_2

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your young friend.

Do what comes naturally to you at this time and from hereon in.
You sound thoughtful and I am sure that your friend will want to see you and talk...at a time when it feels OK to you.

Do not hold back though through a 'british reserve', seeing that people care and share your grief can be a great support

peaceandfreedom

tesuhoha wrote: »

Thank you, I just rang her and she said that I had got it right about giving her space as everything is overwhelming right now. I am aware she's going to need comfort in the future.

Well I guess everyone is different but when my friends' son died suddenly, I went around the next day to see them with a card and an offer of help. We were all crying and I didn't stay long but I know from many chats afterwards how grateful they were that people sympathised in person, it meant a lot to them.

They subsequently took up the offer of help as well, once they had a chance to get their heads sorted out. They accepted loads of help from all their friends when organising his funeral.

I remember their son on his anniversary and his birthday and drop in a card. It also helps a lot to talk about him quite naturally in conversation, some people find it difficult to respond when a bereaved parent talks about their child but I know from my friends that they really need to do that without people getting all awkward around them.

Tough times for you and your friends but all you can do is keep on doing what you think is best for them.

AmandaD28

nearlysorted wrote: »

3 years ago my best friends baby died, I said some (looking back now) awful foot in mouth comments, however my friend was just grateful that I didn't try to avoid her nor what was happening.
As I too felt at a loss as to how I could help, So I had made order of service cards for the funeral, at the time she couldn't really think straight, afterwards she said she was so glad she had them.
Also, I ring my friend on the anniversary, although I don't mention the date she knows that I know what day it is.

As a mummy who went through the same thing as your friend I'd like to say thanks for the support you are clearly giving her I had so many people avoid me after my daughter died and whilst I know it was because they are scared etc it has stayed with me since and I have never forgiven them for it. I didn't really care what they said to me just that the people who mattered were there if that makes sense.

My two closest friends this year forgot her birthday not that they have to remember it but they usually do like you we don't mention it but I usually get a txt or a visit to ask that I'm ok this year I got neither and I got very upset about it, that may make me selfish but I always appreciated that they cared.

OP my instinct said to tell you to go around but as your friend has clearly stated to leave it then I would respect that wish just make sure she knows she can call you and stay in touch she won't necessarily want to talk about it all the time and that is ok perfectly normal just let her lead the conversation where possible and you fill in the gaps in the months and years that follow she will remember your presence and never forget it.

Take care

xx

squibbs25

Hi OP,
Condolences on you/your friends loss.

If your friend is feeling overwhelmed by all the visitors at her house, how would she feel if you offered her an escape route at yours for half an hour or so for a cuppa and chat?
That way you get to see your friend on 'her' terms (meaning shes in control of how long she stays whether it be 15 mins or an hour) and be able to 'step away' from the thick of it - its not going to disappear but just having some time out, where she isnt expected to put the kettle on and console everyone who's coming to the house can be so draining on top of an already highly emotional time.
Maybe the idea of a quiet cuppa where she can talk about what ever she wants might appeal.

helphelphelphelp

A day or two after my brother died my friend came round, not with flowers but with photos of my brother with me and my daughters. These had been framed for me. Meant so much more than flowers and long after I would have had to have thrown those away, the photos now have pride of place on my wall. Really appreciated the thought that went into this.

When you visit, can you not just say you are not stopping, just calling in on your way home so you wont be invited in and then ask her to contact you when she is more up for a visit?

chewynut

I think donating to the air ambulance would've been a really touching and meaningful 'gift' if you couldn't find any flowers.

Bikers do a great deal for the air ambulance as that is what usually saves their lives after accidents. I know I've started donating after my dad got a motorbike. Just in case.