Want some opinions please.

Plans_all_plans

I'm with the others on this. I'd tell him to do one. My daughter would always come first and if he's having a strop after 2 months because you're prioritising her over him, he's not worth it. Move on!!

victory

Errata wrote: »

Blimey - if he's kicking off at 2 months, imagine what he'll be like at 2 years :eek: Tell him if you'd wanted two kids in your life you would have had them before you met him

Exactly:eek: after 2 months geeez:eek:

DVardysShadow

joeblack066 wrote: »

New relationship (2 months). DD (14) not happy about it - I've been single for 5 years and in that time her Dad has died. I have seen my new beau about once a week and she has met him at a family meal at a restaurant. Tonight I was meant to see him but she was extremely unhappy and I didn't want to leave her in this way, so I cancelled the evening. His reaction (by texts) was very brattish, in which he has accused her of trying to drive a wedge between him and me and that she is being too selfish. In the texts he was all 'me me me'. If his texts had been more "I'm really sorry that you're cancelling as I was really looking forward to tonight, but I understand if you feel thats what you need to do" I would have felt like talking DD thru it all, but my reaction now is he just ain't worth it! What do other people think?

I think you have come to a very balanced view on this and I agree with your reasoning.

ellay864

You could say they were both childish...but one of them is a child who has seen her parents split up and then her father die, and at an age when kids are growing up and getting to grips with all kinds of changes and emotions.
Yes maybe DD does need to be told that you're entitled to a life of your own, but you need to have a proper conversation with her and find out why she's so upset at you seeing this guy. She's lost her dad - maybe she's just simply scared that she's in some way losing her mum too. My OH's kids were 11 and 8 when him and their mum split. I got with him about a year later and it seemed to take quite a while for them to accept me. We found out later that they'd always hoped their mum and dad would get back together, they didn't think he was that serious about me and they thought they'd see less of him. But as they realised we were for keeps and that it didn't mean they'd lost dad they started to get on better with me.
But in all that I never made a fuss when he spent time with them without me around, or if we were all out together when they made a point of sitting either side of him so I wasn't 'with' him. And OH also accepted that he came 2nd if my kids (same age) needed me. If you're with someone who has kids you take on the package and expect that the parent puts the child first.
You boyfriend sounds unbelievably immature and selfish especially considering you're dealing with a teenager who's still dealing with a bereavement (and however long ago it was, she will still be suffering to some extent). If he's expecting you to drop her for him after just 2 months I'd be more inclined to drop him

*max*

He's out of order. One cancelled date, and he dares to blame your daughter, after 2 months???

She's only 14, she may start to look like an adult, but she's a child. Your child. She should come first, whatever happens. You need to talk to her, try to understand what she is unhappy about - was it him in particular, or the idea of you dating? She has lost her dad, no matter what your feelings about him were, this is a fact - and she's probably very sensitive about it still. She's not going to be "grown and leaving home in a couple of years", as Pigpen says. My god, she's 14! Are kids supposed to get the hell out of their parents' house at 16, and start living as adults? :cool:

I think it was way too soon to introduce her to him, in any case.
The guy is a jerk. Ditch him.

DVardysShadow

*max* wrote: »

... I think it was way too soon to introduce her to him, in any case.
The guy is a jerk. Ditch him.

Introduced not a moment too soon. Brought out an issue which could have taken months to bring out. Lets OP get on with her life.

*max*

Ha! Yes, obviously this one was a non-starter (hopefully)! I meant that 2 months is too soon to introduce any boyfriend, nevermind a total jerk...;)

gillypkk

pigpen wrote: »

sounds like they are both being childish and vieing for your attention.. are you a bone? lol

The OH .. Id tell him to stop being such a child and youll speak to him later when you have stopped being cross and you are both being rational. I can see his point but he obviously put it across in the wrong way. Id also be wondering what was wrong with him that he had not been married before or had children.. maybe he was dumped at 3 months for being possessive and jealous and controlling.. Id be treading very carefully.

DD Id ask her if she expects you to be on your own forever.. she will be grown and leaving home in a couple of years and what does she want you to do? Be lonely and unhappy?

I cant believe you gave in to your daughter having a hissy fit.. Id have told her to get a grip and that she could not dictate your life and who you spend time with.. my 14 y/o would have expected to be told not to be so silly.. if she had a genuine grievance against this guy then fair enough or if she had had an upset today and needed some TC, fine.. but for goodness sake!!

Yes she is your priority but she isnt your keeper or your master and you are entitled to have a life other than her and that is something she needs to be told.

rainbow81 wrote: »

I agree with pigpen on this one. Are you going to stay in until she says it's ok for you to go out??

This man might not be the man you settle down with but as long as you don't have a parade in and out of the door then it's not going to harm DD. Yes, she's used to having you all to herself but she will have to learn that you need some adult company too.

Texts also aren't the best way to communicate, next time I would have a proper conversation if you are letting him down and maybe the reaction will be a bit more understanding. Maybe it won't be, but if you like him keep seeing him and just keep your eyes and ears extra open.

totally agree with both of these.

ive got 2 young kids and dating with kids is totally different to dating with no ties at home. kids always come first. ok maybe you could have been a bit more stroct with your DD but if this is the first relationship you have had since her dad and he has recently died i can understand her feeling like she might lose you too to this new man and needed reassurance.

how about dedicating a "mother-daughter" day, do your nails and hair, have some munchies and a film or go to a spa one day (if its affordable obv) and reassure her and chat to her and try to make it regular with her so she doesnt fell left out of sorts?

January20

pigpen wrote: »

sounds like they are both being childish and vieing for your attention.. are you a bone? lol

The OH .. Id tell him to stop being such a child and youll speak to him later when you have stopped being cross and you are both being rational. I can see his point but he obviously put it across in the wrong way. Id also be wondering what was wrong with him that he had not been married before or had children.. maybe he was dumped at 3 months for being possessive and jealous and controlling.. Id be treading very carefully.

DD Id ask her if she expects you to be on your own forever.. she will be grown and leaving home in a couple of years and what does she want you to do? Be lonely and unhappy?

I cant believe you gave in to your daughter having a hissy fit.. Id have told her to get a grip and that she could not dictate your life and who you spend time with.. my 14 y/o would have expected to be told not to be so silly.. if she had a genuine grievance against this guy then fair enough or if she had had an upset today and needed some TC, fine.. but for goodness sake!!

Yes she is your priority but she isnt your keeper or your master and you are entitled to have a life other than her and that is something she needs to be told.

Although I would always say that your DD should come first, I also completely agree with what pigpen said above.

You need to have a serious chat with both of them. Actually, I would cool off the relationship with the guy, not because of DD, but because of his silly, selfish attitude, but I would have a serious discussion with DD, find out why she kicked up a fuss, ask her if she wants you to end all alone when she leaves you (with could be as early as within the next 4-5 years time) and also ask her how she would feel if you stopped her going out with her friends when she wants to, and whether you will be allowed to voice your opinion of her future boyfriends in the same manner as she has yours, and then stop her from going out with the ones you don't think suitable.

Jinx

It sounds to me like the beau was quite upset and put it very badly. It amazes me that a grown man would think it okay to disparage the OPs daughter and she wouldnt immediately leap to her defense.... sigh....

That aside regardless of who you date, at 14 your daughter shouldnt have an issue with it. I think a heart to heart is needed, you sound very close so sure you can sort it. She might just think you need protecting... Losing her dad though is a biggie, I wish you both well on that one.

I started dating online when my daughter was 11 and fully involved her ie chatted about what I was looking for, where I would go on dates and then discussed relationships and all the stuff that goes with it and she was great. Happy to meet dates before going to the sitter and capable of having an opinion. She 'demanded' to meet my now hubby the 2nd weekend we spent together and they have now known each other 6.5 years, he supports her at Uni and she adores him as much as she does her dad. (he has no kids and had not been married btw lol)