in really deep trouble

tearose

doneitagain, you are doing so well, well done for getting the interview so soon! I hope it goes well.

I find it hard to understand how your husband can be mad at you but refuses to take over the finances himself...It sounds like he was just as guilty as you were of burying his head in the sand, but this way he can put all the blame on you for the situation. He must have known in his heart of hearts that you couldn't possibly have been squirrelling away 8k for the car, paying off existing debts and not building up more, given what you have been said about the lifestyle you were living on just his income.

Also - do make sure you eat and look after yourself. If you are running yourself ragged trying to sort everything out, and taking all the responsibity and blame for this on your shoulders, you are at risk of making yourself ill which is the last thing you and your family need.

DreamerHelen

Hi There....I didn't want to read and run and my heart went out to you with all the beating yourself up that you're doing...I do that too on an epic scale!!

Yes, you have messed up....Can you change what you did? No...but you HAVE been really really brave and owned up to everything and now you can start again...start afresh....having learned a harsh life lesson....and that is the main thing in Life - Learning, changing and growing...

I DO think that your Husband needs to admit his part in not asking to see Bank Statements and things like that....Yes, ok, you told him that things were fine...but he could have asked to see the Bank Statements and checked out for himself - Particularly if you had BOTH been in a mess before....I'm not married but I DO know that marriage is about EQUALITY and BOTH people taking responsibility for all area's of your Lives...

I had an Idea for your Child's Birthday Party in October....I have a Winter Birthday as well...and one of the BEST birthday's I ever had as a child was at the Local Ice Skating Rink...It doesn't have to be a really expensive time....and it can be cheaper than doing a whole BIG birthday Party....Of course, if any of your Children break any bones please don't blame me!! (only joking, I'm sure they'll be fine hun - The only person that broke a bone at my Ice Skating Party was my Father!! LoL, bless him).

Just please stop beating yourself up so much....what is done is done....you can't change it....Now is the time to move on and start anew...

Good Luck...I'll subscribe to your Thread and pop in to see how you're doing...

chappers

With the things you have said, you can put in action, your situation seems resolvable, the car problem is obviously the big one.

If you are going to take the mortgage holiday use it to pay down your debts, starting with the highest interest, don't use it for day to day expenses as in three months time you will be back where you are. Personally I would throw all your spare money at these debts so at least when it comes round to repaying your mortgage again your income and expenditure will balance.
Have you asked to see if you could reduce your mortgage to interest only for a while, this one requires the self discipline to return it back to repayment as soon as you can and not rely on the extra cash long term.

Your husband says he won't do this and he won't do that but unfortunantely whatever he thinks of you, and whatever happens in the future, you are both in this together and the security of his job seems to depend on the success of whatever plan you put forward.
You need to get his trust back, if he won't take on the finances then be active in keeping him in the loop, be the one going to him every month/week saying here are the statements for all the loans CCs and bank statements(get them all set up on-line)and this is what WE have paid off, this is what we need to spend in the next week /month and this is what money we have to do it.

I have been there in the past and budgeting is the way forward and that doesn't necessarily mean just scrimping and saving, it is more about using your money most efficiently, prioritising debts and bills and most importantly knowing what you need to spend in the future and making sure you know where that money is going to come from and if you see you are going to have a shortfall somewhere doing something about it as soon as possible.

Don't know if you are any good with spreadsheets but they are so useful for keeping track of your finances, fill them in every day with everything you spend so you always have an up to date snapshot of your position.

There have been many worse situations than yours on here so try not to panic and you will work your way through this if you are determined.

Good luck

Gareth

Naomim

A quicky as I'm at work. My DS is 6 and this year this is what we did for his birthday. Got him to pick 5 friends, took them to the kids club cinema (Cineworld £1 each including adults) then a MacD's happy meal after.

Was cheap and he had a great day!

HTH

Naomi x

anyadvicewelcome

i feel for you so much, im new on here myself, but can see you are getting some great advice. its hard isnt it money problems cause others, such as your relationship now, hope you both stick together and get through this together, im sure you will both be stronger then as a couple. i heard somewhere debt is a symptom, not the actual problem, i wish you well, good luck love

chappers

Naomim wrote: »

A quicky as I'm at work. My DS is 6 and this year this is what we did for his birthday. Got him to pick 5 friends, took them to the kids club cinema (Cineworld £1 each including adults) then a MacD's happy meal after.

Was cheap and he had a great day!

HTH

Naomi x

As I said earlier I'm pretty crap at the raw moneysaving things , but one thing I always do is cash in my clubcard vouchers for things other than shopping as they are better value.
You could use these to buy treats for the kids or birthdays etc,if you think they are missing out, by cashing them in for cinema or bowling vouchers etc.
They would then get the excitement of choosing what to cash the vouchers in for.

mrsdwhite

Hi,

It seems that you've been given some excellent advice here and as I'm just starting out here myself there's not too much I can add to help.

Just a thought on the job front....have you considered something like bar work? Part time? It can be flexible.... I have been working in pubs for around 10 years now and have worked with many different people from all backgrounds....a lot of whom are there to increase their earnings eeither short or long term.

As I say, just a thought. At this time of year bars start looking to cover people leaving for college or uni...

Either way I hope you get on your feet again soon.

sharronej

Hi, Another readily available job is home care - you can fit the hours in around your family and home care companies are always looking for staff.

It was my DH who got us into a mess after we had consolidated the first mess we were in, he did exactly as you have - I only wish he had your attitude to sorting it out. If my Dh had shown even a fraction your commitment and regret it would have made a huge difference to me - instead he got very angry, refused (and two years on still refuses) to make any financial decisions or even to discuss money with me, you would think that he was the innocent one!

You sound to me like a lady who is very committed to making this work and I think you will find some very inventive ways of doing so.

Good luck, you're doing great
xx

doneitagain

Good morning and thanksto all of you for the suggestions and tips on surviving this mess. Sorry for not replying sooner but it has been a busy and stressful few days. I've talked to my mum about the car and need to call her this morning to see what she is willing to do to help us. One of the things she was most worried about (apart from the hellish size of the debts) was me keeping secrets from oh and now she has talked to him too so at least knows we are straight with each other.
Jobs wise- the oh works away from home some weeks so a bar job would only work daytimes (a possibility) and I don't drive so that may affect a care job. I have quite a few areas of work open to me work-wise as I do have very varied experience (lots of office work, finances (ironic), used to be a chef, have kids so experience with children etc.) so am looking at/applying for the best positions I can find right now but if nothing is coming together in two weeks it will be whatever is out there to bring the money in.
We have put together two spreadsheets to control the finances on a daily and monthly basis and are looking at all the options for cutting the things we can.
Thank you for the birthday suggestions- we are thinking of holding an outdoor party locally with sports drills and games (oldest son is very sporty) and then some hot dogs, crisps and pop for the party tea. Maybe a sleepover with a best friend for a special treat. It will be simple but fun.
Again thank you for all the ideas, kind words and help on here.
You may note that much of this post says 'we'. oh has calmed down a bit and while still very angry and stunned at what I have got us into is trying to look at a way out together which at least means we have both had a small amount of sleep this weekend.
Thanks again for all the support

sexymouse

doneitagain, I don't normally post on this board, but was drawn in by the acts of kindness thread, and then saw yours. I'm really pleased that your DH has calmed down and you are now working as a team. You sound a lot more positive about everything now, and I think that the advice you've already received sounds great. I just wanted to wish you luck for your interview on Thursday, and for the long-term too. Well done for everything you've done already. Keep battling on.