Depression

Horasio

I have some good news!!!!!!!

We had an offer and we accepted it!!!!!:T

So bar the usual paperwork etc - we are looking for a new place to live for 29 June.

:easter_ba

rose07

razorbladekisses wrote: »

Hey Rose, I think you're in need of a (((HUG)))

You really shouldn't be left without a CPN or social worker. That is really bad. I would call your GP and explain that you're having a difficult time atm and really need to talk to someone. If they say we're too busy or whatever just say it's an emergency. If you really get to a point where you really cannot cope hun please call the Crisis Team.

I don't really know much about benefits hun What are you receiving atm?

How long have you been going to the unit? Are there other activities that you can do as well? I remember at mine there was the option of Photography, Gym, Feel good and relaxation. Perhaps it would help if you had some more variety.

It's really good that you've got your friends around you for support

Poor Rosie. What operation are you having done? I can understand that you're feeling scared/worried but hopefully the positives that will come from having the operation will make it worthwhile. (((HUGS)))

Thinking of you hun. Remember I'm always here for you

Have fun playing pool

xXx

awww thanks hun

here is one for you tooo



How are things going with you hun? You get yaself back to ya GP and ask someone why you were taken of ya meds soo quickly, seems silly for them to do it abruptly, when last time it was gradually .

Im not gonna call the crisis team, managed to get an appointment to see my GP :T end of next week, just before i go in for my operation:eek: .

AS farr as benefits, erm i dunno what im even on, its incapacity benefit or income support , dunno really. i was never good with things like that.

I been at the unit since January now:eek: , there is IT to do and ARts and Crafts , not alot to be honest, even when we were in hospital, there wasnt alot to do, it consisted of me helping some of the people by creating displays etc...., we would also talk alot, and i tell ya, i learnt more from the people i was there with, because they understood exactly how you felt, the nurses seemed to think putting you in a room, or leaving ya to it, was the thing to do:mad: .

GOD I seem to have too many people around, actually no, dont think thats possible:D , got a busy day tomorrow tho, all my mates are home at the same time:D , all want to do something with me tomorrow (rosie high in demand :rotfl: ), not too worry will fit everyone in somewhere, out from 12 meeting my friend i havent seen in two years for lunch, meeting another friend i havent seen for ages at 3pm, going to another mates house at 4 or 5 pm, then going out at night in town till 4am to the casino till 7 with another mate, then sleepin over at mates, then driving lesson on saturday, then rosie falls in a great big heap :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

The operation is for my foot, basically the bones in my feet are all wrong, make it uncomfortable/sore when i walk, run, play football etc...., the operation is to realign my bones in my foot to hopefully make things better, they use pins, and cut the bone etc..... :eek: :eek: :eek:
not looking forward to it. , so i find myself thinking of things i wont be able to do in 2 weeks that i can do now. I will be on cruches for months, and i will be in alot of pain apparently, so hoping i have a high pain threshold

I hope you are ok hun, always here for ya

take care

xxxxxxxxxxxx

rose07

blinky wrote: »

Big hugs to all.

Sorry I wasn't around much yesterday - v. busy at work + some family crap to deal with.

Rose07, CCStar - Did you see my PM?

Hope the family cr*p and work going ok?

Yeah seen the PM hun, R is lovely, you both look lovely together, and happy, im very glad you have found someone to share your memories with

take care blinky x

rose07

CCStar wrote: »

I have some good news!!!!!!!

We had an offer and we accepted it!!!!!:T

So bar the usual paperwork etc - we are looking for a new place to live for 29 June.

:easter_ba

YEY finally

aww ya must be happy that has all got sorted?

well done, and i hope you find somewhere nice for the 29th june

xxx

learning_to_drive

CC

Im so so delighted for you

How do you feel?

rose07

Tiff wrote: »

Hi hunnies - I'm home!:hello:
I know it's way past Tiffy's bedtime and that I'm late in posting but I was very busy yesterday and I'm truly exhausted.

COSSACKS!!!
No, I'm not swearing at you!:D

I went out last night for the first time, with my son and support worker.:eek:

We went to the theatre locally to see the Moscow State Cossacks perform. Even in the car on the way there, I was shaking and didn't think I could go through with it - not that I let DS see that. Had an appt with CPN today and I told him I still felt like I'd got a hangover and really shakey and he said that's due to the adrenaline from the stress and also the excitement.
But I went and stayed and we were in the front row.

Suddenly, 30 male Cossacks in full military uniform, brandishing whips, charged onto the stage - I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! :j:j:j Er, for the 30 male Cossacks - not the whips!!:eek:

It was amazing! The acrobatics, the sword fights, the dancing, singing and music were stunning. Not a word of English spoken by anyone - no narrative - but they were telling stories from the history/experiences of Cossack life. They had sword fights that were done with such force that blue sparks shot into the air. There were about 20 women too - costumes were dazzling.
At half time, we went into the foyer where there was a souvenir and traditional Cossack crafts table set up. I bought the DVD of the show and an enamel hand-painted brooch - that took the total up to £30.
Then I saw it. There, for £15, was a traditional Cossack whip and I bought it (- little knowing that I'd need it for the DT later!!! ) :rolleyes:
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

The rest of the show was brilliant - very passionate and dramatic and 30 Cossack men leaping and whooping (that may have been me?!:o ) and all caveman-like! Testosterone everywhere I tell you! I do hope they didn't notice the claw marks on the dressing room doors!:D :rolleyes: And before you start, no, I don't do cavemen but hunnies, when you've been in the house for nearly eight years due to agoraphobia, anything breathing is worthy of due consideration!;) :rotfl:

Got in and checked my emails - thanks for the warning pms guys - and hot-pawed it over to the DT to see what was going on. I managed to make one reply I think - I felt a tad ticked and super sarcastic but I tried to be a good Tiff.:o :rolleyes:
In honour of my visit there, I changed my signature.:D I also made a reply earlier today when I was vertical.
Seriously guys, I posted my opinion on there and it seems to have kicked off everything again. So I'm sorry for that - I feel like I'm to blame because I got so ticked at the responses and let them have a Tiff point of view - and I should have kept my muzzle shut about the replies I'd gotten back. However, I'm a tough ol' Tiff (not!) and I won't be bullied, intimidated, insulted out of having my say in a nice way. I couldn't resist opening my big mouth.:rolleyes:

Much Love,
Tiff xxx

aww hun, im soo glad you manged to get out for that, sounds like you had a good time too, and good that you went with ya DS too, some good quality time for you and him

god can just imagine you waving a whip around :rotfl: , quick sazzie get the handcuffs, where is sazzie atm tho

sounds like a cracking show tho, and that you had a good time, and im soo proud of you for making it out

how is everything else going? any more projects going on? im working on one atm, seems to be taking a while tho :rolleyes:

you take care hun

im off to bed now before my busy day tomorrow :eek: :rotfl:

sweet dreams tiff and everyone xxxx

learning_to_drive

Depression, my story:

Below is my story of events when I slumped into depression, its one of those things that I think I will either sit and write in a big 3 hour session or keep coming back to.

I’ll begin where it all started really, you will probably find yourself confused as I will bounce from month to month and probably go back on myself a couple of times, bear with me, ill try keep it as concise and chronological as possible:

I think things all started for me in Magaluf 2006, I had been with my girlfriend for 2 months, and it was my first major relationship, I was very much into her and it was something that I really felt I wouldn’t do until I had sorted out my career (how ironic I was right!). I missed her terribly, was very very down and I linked it to Post Stress Disorder, when I went to France in ’98 (as a 12 year old, first time away) and was an absolute mess for a week, all over the place, before that in my early years I had suffered with being shy and bullied for a bit in year 5. I had to get a grip of myself so toughened up and became a different person, really outgoing and things until that occurred in year 8 France. However I managed to get myself together and had a problem moving onto upper school looking back, a lot of nerves and things.

Soon after the bullying started again, just by one individual but he always did it in jest and then was ok afterwards, wasn’t bullying as such, but made me fear school to an extent, he then was moved class in year 10 so I did my GCSE’s with a small network of friends and really had a good laugh, became confident and had a really good laugh, in fact some teachers who taught me followed me through 6th form and to this day still keep in touch when I pop up to pick my brothers up for example.

6th form was where it all started, before my GCSE’s I got a job at Sainsbury’s and just begun part time, didn’t do too well in my exams and 6th form started, I really enjoyed 6th form and had a girlfriend for a short time that didn’t really work out, but then I started drinking and going out, and a new chapter in my life begun, where I was socialising, football, 6th form coursework and work with Sainsbury’s.

I did a 3rd year at 6th form and achieved quite a lot, became a leader in my own right and was looked up to by a few people who remain very good friends to this day, I played a lot of football and we won the double which was so important to me that I left a legacy. Life was good, my career at Sainsbury’s had taken off and I was doing very well even though I was part time, I decided to do a 3rd year and at the end of that ( May 2005) I was offered a full time supervisor’s role. I accepted it gleefully as my reputation was growing and I was making a very good network of friends at JS and really enjoyed it, I was then moved to fresh foods in March 2006 as rumours gained about my move to management (I failed that assessment and was gutted for ages, my first feeling of failure) then I was moved to Fresh by our new manager and I enjoyed some success but struggled in the early stages and it lead me to apply for a couple of jobs, my hours changed once again (I was doing a lot of hours still but the bulk of it was 10 am starts, before on bakery It was 7 am or earlier.)

As it approached July, I lost interest completely and actually handed it in my notice, my workload was increasing and I wasn’t happy, I had applied to University and decided to go, I was talked out of it more than once but they failed, they then appointed my successor and made it clear before I had actually left the company. I could have rescinded my notice and stayed, they promised the job to someone else. The store manager who interviewed me for my management assessment wanted me to go across to help out in her store (she had a refitted store and no bakery manager, so she wanted me to do a day a week over there) which I agreed to, with no car (I was taking lessons and had failed a driving test at this point) I was paid transport and time and a half overtime, so I was doing 45+ at Sainsbury’s effectively running Fresh Foods (doing a lot more than my job role) plus then doing an extra day a week at Dewsbury, which meant getting up at 5 a.m. for a 7 a.m. start and getting home (after finishing at 4) at 6 p.m.

I came home from Magaluf and was off for 2 weeks, I was ill, missed the girlfriend at the time, but wasn’t enjoying it and just questioned why I was there, so I resolved to sort it out and !!!!!!ed off home. I then in the 2nd week went off to work at Dewsbury for 3 days to get some cash and enhance the reputation, I was leading to burn out, I didn’t realise it, but I was putting my body through a lot, I gained some sort of throat infection in Magaluf, was really ill and got some antibiotics, they didn’t clear it up even though I finished the course and I didn’t go back, its something that my mum thinks only enhanced the problems I suffered later on. Whilst that was going on, I was working my notice which was a strange situation in itself, I was a consultant over at Dewsbury yet Bradford were happy for me to go and even had sorted out a replacement, all I wanted was some appreciation for what I was doing and them to attempt to keep me, as it was, it was Anton (at Dewsbury, I really need to write to him or something) who spoke to 2 big HR people who then sorted out my future and management. I had a re-assessment in store, which I passed (on the day I failed my 2nd driving test) and then it was all systems go for a move, the girlfriend was moving away to Hull which I knew but as the days counted down, she didn’t seem to want to go, I didn’t want her to go but we just put off the inevitable, I then passed my 3rd driving test and I was chuffed, I went and signed up for a car as I had a wage rise to £15,500 a year and money seemed no object, I was maxing my overdraft every month as it was, and I couldn’t afford it at all, Natwest turned me down for a loan so I felt I had no other option, stupid as I wanted to be independent. I remember one specific incident, where I was packing bread, and I started thinking about the then girlfriend, and I felt so so down, homesick and rather like I did in Magaluf and even before that in France.

I got my car on the day I moved to Dewsbury store to do 4-6 weeks on Bakery as a full time trainee manager, my supervisor had gone out training at Wakefield so I was lone ranger, I started to struggle, and strangely used to wake up feeling down, dreading work, then when I was at work I would experience severe up’s and down’s where I was through the floor, then happy, then down again, then I would find myself at the toilet every hour feeling very sick, strange as I couldn’t eat anything, then I would drink loads of water, I was just all over the place, it was so strange, I was driving to work, that was stressing me out, the cost of the car, everything was so expensive, I was worried about the girlfriend and if I would ever see her, the fact I was trying to settle into the store despite being down, everything was so hard and I just couldn’t cope at all. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I had some time off, and then had to go back to Bradford for a stock count and spoke to a couple of good friends who advised me to go off for a couple of weeks and get taking my medication (I had been given anti d’s that morning). The anti d’s scared me, and I wanted to see my girlfriend as much as possible I felt she was the most important thing, it was serious, we essentially got engaged, I bought a ring and she wore it on that finger, it wasn’t to be naturally but I guess I was clutching onto her, we even agreed to speak about having a kid together! It was dreamland and I didn’t want to lose her. So I sacrificed myself and my career for us, because I would rather she went to University than miss out because of me.

learning_to_drive

**Before my move to Dewsbury, I house sitted for a friend with the girlfriend at that time, this didn’t go well and looking back was the beginning of the end for us, end of August. I met my future girlfriend (who at the time was 5 months pregnant!) outside a pub, but more of that later.

After a lot of thinking, soul searching and everything else, I decided to resign from the management and go back to my store as I was promised, the failure I felt, the humiliation was complete as I was made to step down to a colleague on 24 hours a week, this chucked me further into depression and I was so down afterwards, I changed my car and got a cheaper Ka (insurance, but HP % was 27.9%apr) I was heading for financial meltdown, lost sight of the bigger picture and indeed just began surviving day to day. Once I got back into the work environment in my store I was fine, my old friends were still there and a lot of people were impressed, I was rather arrogant and cocky before because I had done so well and told everyone so, I was a lot more humble, I’m sure a lot of people had a laugh behind my back but let them. I settled back into life but was still very down about throwing away my career but I couldn’t motivate myself, I was told in my meeting when I returned (where I was offered supervisor on nights or checkouts as a normal colleague) that I had “let the region down on their behalf” and basically there was no regard for my feelings, problems or situation and I was just brushed aside, after all I had done for them, I was just a number like everyone else. I resolved to get out whilst I could, I couldn’t motivate myself and whilst I showed flashes of my former brilliance (running Produce for a week was memorable, I managed to rally a team of students to perform, and we basically blasted it for a week, it was amazing, it was one of the most proudest moments, empty chiller, low waste and standards were brilliant). I did it to prove them wrong really, to prove I still had it, but this only motivated to look elsewhere for a move, as there was nothing forthcoming on the CTS front, a vacancy was available in our online division, but was put up, then taken back down on my day off. Conspiracy theories galore! When I handed my notice in, on my last day, the full time position as CTS was available, it was a kick in the teeth for me, I left a broken man, I got a couple of presents from a couple of people who really had a lot of time for me, and they said it was a disgrace that I was allowed to run Produce and good enough to do that, but wasn’t seen good enough for a promotion back to my old position, I was told there were no other roles available apart from nights, yet 3 weeks later, the warehouse lad was made up to BWS and Frozen CTS! Unbelievable, my fall from grace was complete, I was still seeing girlfriend but surviving on a lower wage, just about, I then stopped taking my meds because I thought I was better, I was back in at work and didn’t have a care in the world, I started applying for job after job after job in the hope I would get something. I had interviews at the Tax Office, First Direct and a few others, and before I left my store was getting worse and worse, my old departments were suffering and struggling like hell, it broke my heart to see all my hard work go up the spout because of the new CTS’ incompetence and sheer laziness, I even did some overtime on there, but I couldn’t stand the patronising manner, it just wound me up, I resolved to send an email to our CEO about the state of our store, many people saw it and agreed, then, I got a call from our ZHRP (zonal HR partner North) who said a big announcement would be imminent and she would speak with me next week. The store manager retired early and a new team would be coming in to deal with the problems, I was tempted to jack it, stay and prove myself, but I resolved to leave, because I was convinced I had to move on and get out. I was told by the ZHRP that I could go back at anytime, all I had to do was call and I would get a job if things didn’t work out.

I joined First Direct, and despite some nerves, the first day went swimmingly, then around 4 p.m. that feeling hit me again! The sick, homesick, missing girlfriend, missing family and just wanting to get home, welling up whilst in my car and panicking until I got into my car safe and sound and drove off, I couldn’t wait to get out of the gates. Strange, it just hit me, I wasn’t expecting it, and the sleeplessness, the lack of eating, the tiredness, thirstiness all started again, I resolved to go back on the tablets. I managed a week before breaking down, I spoke to a colleague who was great about it, and my trainer was even better, Wednesday was my 21st and I spent it at work (we had a party) and then went out for a meal, all my mates went out without me for my birthday! I wasn’t up to it at all. I went to the doctor’s Friday and was advised to go back to comfortable surroundings whilst I sorted out my issues and continue with the meds. For my 21st I went with the ex to London, she told me on the way back that she was going to break up with me after our week living together, but couldn’t find the words to do it. I nearly crashed the car in shock, I wont mention her from after my birthday because I didn’t see her till Christmas eve, we rarely text and we just drifted apart.

COMING SOON – The tax office disaster, the financial meltdown, the break up, the new job, the nightshift

learning_to_drive

Off out away for the day, irrational worry today is that I wont get either job and I have no Plan C as it were!

queensway_boy

Have a happy easter
everyone ,,,,

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