Depression

EthelBloggs

hmmm might be worth asking him, did you feel better whn you had those?

rose07

So where to begin……….:rolleyes:

Do any of you wake up and wish you could just change the clocks, go back a day, a week a month, have a bad one, so want to do it over?

Ok will start off with my day, got out of bed, was a struggle today, I have gone wayyy backwards lately, so everything is twice the struggle, got to the bus stop where the old lady that always talks to me was standing , she started talking about things, how things are for her, her husband, he seems to be soo unwell atm, but a fighter, we got on the bus, and sat down together. She talked about the weather, the rain, the snow, the sunny mornings, as the sun glazed upon my eyes I just listened, she spoke of her son, her job, her life. And I sat there and listened, understood, until it came to her stop. I wished her a good day, and waved goodbye, and soo the bus carried on till my stop, I got off and walked to the unit, but I was not in this world I was in another, I was lost, yet I was here, I was buzzin, fuzzin, dreaming almost but not as nice and by no means as good, I was deep, very deep.

Got to the unit sat down at my chair, and started to be busy, started typing, listening to the lonely voice of the woman, instructing me what I should do, learning, sitting waiting, for 1030, breaktime, hot chocolate and biscuit. Sat down with another elderly friend of mine, she spoke of the good old days, times when all you could do was just get by, see each day as a new one, and each day past as a done one. She spoke of her mum, her brother, her son, his wife, her husband, oh she spoke of their young love, she told me a story about her mum, an awful story that I think only those that have been through it can know. I listened, and realised that they were hard times, things are not like that now, they are by no means perfect now, but they were not as bad as what some things were back then. We sat, dunk, dunk, the biscuit went into my tea, mmmm nice. Yet still we were, we sat together alone, but together. We shared that moment then went back to our work.

I wondered within myself, finding nothing, open plains with lots in them, but nothing to be found, lost in a river of nothingness, fuzzin, buzzin still, nothing. Head whirling round, headache, and wham. It then hits me. STOP. Work. Listen to the lonely voice of the woman, instructing me what I should do again, looked past the screen, lost in the screen not in it couldn’t see past it, just couldn’t see.

Lunch, walk along the prom, hair blowing, waves washing up on the shore, yet again I am not here, my trail is to be seen, but I cannot be seen, like a snake swirling, a tortoise hiding, whale crashing into the sea.

Back at unit, Painting, I go deep, listening to the sound of the music, the sound of silence, sound of relaxing. Talking, yet im not there, im somewhere else, I am in my painting, walking along the open plains, flying in the sky, watching the sunset, sleeping the unsubconcious. Breaktime, talking, me and another older friend talk, me about a friend, her about the weekend, lengths, swimming, me I am not fit. Time, friendships coming, going. Break end, back to painting.

Done, time comes to an end .

Walking, thinking, buzzin, flying, in thru the doors, institutional, up the elevator, locked doors, secure, clinical. Here. Argh, councelling. Sat down and then it all began. Silence, look out the window, hills whispering silent dreams, and skies, clouds twirling, wind battering the inside.

My councellor asks what I have been up to, I reply “self destructing?”, drink, meds, silly fool. Hurt, pain, buzzin, arghhhh. !!!!!!.
She said why? Why do you do it? Er,, “erm coz I dunno”, what made you do it? Why do you do it? Why?
Look at the pillow, clouds. Ah. Calm
“I don’t know, I know I shouldn’t something just takes a hold”, yes but why? “what did we say last week” I dunno, I dunno. , Responsible!, yeah I know, drink meds, not responsible, so why do you do it? “I don’t know” I give up. NO! that’s not the answer. “you are only out of hospital 2 months that is not long, you have to give yourself time, this is only the start of your recovery, you need to keep going” OK. But how? “Use the people that are here to help you, by going of drinking, you are disrupting your recovery, hence undoing all the good people have done” CLICK. !!!!

Holy !!!! she is right. All im doing everytime I am silly, stupid and irresponsible is undoing the goodwork done, the time in hospital, awful time that it was but the time none the less, time of friends, family, professionals, imagine what they are all going through. Last Weds I was a very stupid, irresponsible Rose, which I truly regret but cant change it, can only move on and do my best of a given situation. I am truly in a place atm which is totally unknown to me, its scary, and I have no idea what to expect. I feel alone, even tho I am not, feeling it, is just enough. I lost a friend last week due to my stupidness and by god I am not gonna loose another. Friends are such special things. Guess life is a bit like a painting, you get one shot at it, and if you mess it up, then that’s it, yeah you can try and cover parts over, if mistakes are made, but really, when we look at it, one shot, !!!! that up, and where are we?

So I am gonna try soo hard, but I am gonna be cheeky and ask you all to give me ya hands, help me thru this:grouphug: . I have been to hell and back, and almost to hell again, but cant let myself slip, or else all these people looking out for me, people that care, people just there, the thing, the key is knowing how and when to use them. Not letting yaself give up, holding it in and keeping going. Or else all the work soo farr not just from them, but me too is wasted. And I am soo not a waster. So I really want to fight, but atm I am in a place that’s unknown, my councellor says I am tackling things so I am getting all over the place :rolleyes: , I am more anxious, mood swings more than a monkey, and my head going ten to the dozen all the time!!! Actually I have been here, just didn’t turn out soo well, so this time it needs to be different.

And that’s just one Rosie day

Wonder what tomorrow holds ……

xxx

rose07

flis21 wrote: »

I was taking another tablet called amisulpride, it is a tranquiliser, until January, but doctor took me off it. Maybe I need to ask to go back on it.

flis i would go to your doctor, ask him, and he will be able to discuss with you the best way forward

x

rose07

Oh also few questions for ya all only if you feel you can answer

I want to state I am not giving medical advise

OK quiz time

1) What Medication are you on?
Was on Citalopram 40 mil, then trezadone 150, now Mirtazipine, also been on tennazepram and diazepam
2) How does depression effect you? Family member/yourself/ friend
Effects me, day to day, have good days, bad days, tremedous highs, or deep lows, It comes and goes, DEpression runs in my family also
3) What 3 things do you most enjoy?
My dog, my friends, My Creativity eg, painting, photography
4) What is the diagnosis if you have been given one?
Anaemic, Maladaptive coping skills, Depression, Well amongst others
5) What ya fav colour? Red, also like Lilac and Blue

5 will do

bltchef

Hi I hope you could give me some advice or some help? I do not suffer from depression my self my partner does for over three years she gone through a bad time 6 attempt suicide alcohol abuse our teenage daughter coped her mam behavior overdose violence towards me black eye cut lips police involved etc I lossed my job with taken time off and how things were at home. but things are much better know , but our sex has suffered now I feel I am just the carer I lover them both but I have lost interested in sex I cook clean and support them both but ?now my partner is complaining hats all I do I have explained how I feel but she goes off in bad mood etc and starts drinking am I wrong and advice thanks

rose07

Also this is a bad week for me

Towards the end of the week there is a date, i know i shouldnt dwell, and should just carry on, but there is one person i will never forget, My nana, this week is an anniversary of her death.

Wrote this for you nana xxx

Sitting, waiting, listening
To you
I can feel you, but your not there
Your here but gone.

I will not forget
I will have a way
I will have regrets
But I will make it thru each day

You are here
Here with me
I cant give up as you never did
And I am you, and you are there

So to you
Love and compassion
Friends till the end
That’s the way it was
And that’s the way it will be

I am not done yet
I will continue on
If not for me then for you
For you, and I will be one
And you will be with me

Love you xxx

rose07

bltchef wrote: »

Hi I hope you could give me some advice or some help? I do not suffer from depression my self my partner does for over three years she gone through a bad time 6 attempt suicide alcohol abuse our teenage daughter coped her mam behavior overdose violence towards me black eye cut lips police involved etc I lossed my job with taken time off and how things were at home. but things are much better know , but our sex has suffered now I feel I am just the carer I lover them both but I have lost interested in sex I cook clean and support them both but ?now my partner is complaining hats all I do I have explained how I feel but she goes off in bad mood etc and starts drinking am I wrong and advice thanks

Hi and welcome

One thing you must think about is, if we have someone we love going through depression, then we to a point, go through it too, so I hope you take some steps to make sure you have in place support, and professionals on hand, a GP can help you do this.

What do you want to happen?, How do you feel about things now?

I guess it doesnt help the situation by your OH going off and drinking, maybe you could just spend some time together, just the two of you, and see how each other feels, no tv, no kids, nothing. just the pair of you sit down and talk.

we are of course here to help/support with cuddles and love anytime you need to just let it out

take care

xxx

rose07

Ok sweet dreams everyone

Hard times atm, my mum is also very unwell atm, and my gran is getting worse, which obviously isnt helping mum, et all. :rolleyes: , ho hum

Now I hope all that are here and there can sleep, dream away, have pleasant thoughts

God bless and na nite xxx

Sugar_Coated_Owl

flis21, I know that with some anti-depressants it can/is linked to an increase in suicidal thoughts. However, Citalopram is a fairly new SSRI so it may not be the case. Anyway, if you are experiencing those kind of thoughts you really should mention this to your GP.

I know what you mean about finding it difficult to talk to your family. My psychiatrist and CPN suggested that I talk to my parents about things. How can you tell your parents you want to kill yourself?! I find it impossible. I'm like you, I don't want to upset them so keep my thoughts to myself most of the time.

Please speak to your Doctor flis21. I've only contacted the Samaritans a couple of times. I sent them an email. I personally found that just writing it all down and clicking send was a huge relief in itself. You might find that they help. It's sometimes good to talk to a total stranger who doesn't know you or the situation that you are in. They can just listen or offer their advice.

Rose, I've missed you! It sounds like you've had a tough time over the last week or so. Lots of things going on in your head. You're such a talented girl, with so much to give. Don't ever give up. With lots of help and support from family, friends and us here you'll get there (wherever there is). From time to time life will treat you like !!!!. It's life's way of challenging us. Seeing if we can overcome things, testing us I suppose.

That poem made me cry I really feel for you hun. Just remember even though she's no longer here in person, she lives on in people like you. You'll never be lonely because she'll be right there looking after you. (((HUGS)))

Ethel, I was thinking of you today. (((HUGS))) It must have been a really stressful day for you. Well option 5 looks pretty good doesn't it. How does your daughter feel about the options? Does she have a say in what happens or is it down to you and the team of professionals? When will you know what is going to happen.

Putting your daughter aside for a minute. How are you feeling in yourself. Are you coping OK?

bltchef, Have you and your wife ever been to some form of marriage counselling? Could you perhaps be suffering from depression yourself? It can't have been easy seeing your OH and daughter both overdose/attempt suicide. Perhaps you need to talk to someone by yourself. There might be issues that you need to talk over with someone who isn't involved with the situation. What do you want to happen?

xXx

Tiff_2

Hi guys!:hello:
Hoping everyone is well. Sorry about not getting back here yesterday - one of those days!;)
I don't know where to start with replies guys - so I'm just going to jump right in and see where I land.:rolleyes:
I hope you're all cozied up and ready to beat the carp out of Tuesday. Good luck with the cast flissy!
I hope everyone one has a good day.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx