Depression

rose07

Ok Rosie essay tomorrow, be warned its not nice

need my beauty sleep :rotfl:

Sweet dreams

xxx

mrcow

razorbladekisses wrote:

lol Rose you'll be rattling soon with all those tablets that you're taking

Yup it's the weekend. Not sure whether that's a good or bad thing :rolleyes:

Uhm well I've overdosed twice in the last 2 weeks. Only came out of the psychiatric hospital last week. The Dr. says it's too soon to go back to work.

What do you do all day Rose to keep yourself occupied while you've been signed off work?

Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday for Sunday.

I had a baby back in January so haven't been on the site much but have been back online the last couple of days and have just read some of your recent posts and I'm so sorry to hear what a crappy time you've been having.

Please take care of yourself.

I remember when I was 20 in my second year university and feeling such a desperate failure that I took a whole bottle of prescription painkillers. The doctors told me after that I shouldn't have survived and I wondered for a long time why I had.

The thing is that you don't know what's in store in the future. Life has a habit of changing so much and a life that was once filled with nothing but stress and despair can be turned around and become unrecognisable.

That was 13 years ago.

I'm still the same person inside (and that person that OD'd will always be inside of me), but now I have three beautiful children who would never have been born had I been successful. I also have loads of friends that I have met over the past 13 years. Lives that have touched mine and I theirs, who I also would never have met. The world is such a larger and more accessible place to me now than it was 13 years ago.

Please reach out to those who can offer help and support. You've always come across as such a sweet person. Your life is precious and holds a future that no one is ever going to be able to predict.

Sugar_Coated_Owl

Rose I know people do get hurt and upset. I can't even begin to imagine how my parents felt when my brother told them I was in hospital and when the hospital called them. I just can't see that failing was a good thing at all. I wanted my life to end. We are young yeah, but how do we know that things will eventually get better.

I did see a poster while in hospital. It hand a picture of someones hand in the middle. On the left hand side it said hope... and on the right hand side it said a hand in the darkness I often think of that poster and how true that statement is.

I have recently come off of Seroxat. I am now back on Cipralex. I do have a CPN. I've seen him once since I discharged myself. The crisis team used to call me everyday. I'm now supposed to call them if I feel crap.

I don't really think too far into the future. Getting through each day is enough at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear about your Nana. It must be really difficult for you as well. I suppose you can relate to how I feel. I hope she's up there watching down on us.

Something else that happened...On the day that we went to the crematorium to spread my Nan's ashes my Mum walked out on us (Dad, 2 bros and me) and went to live with a man whom she had been seeing. We had no idea what had been going on or that she had planned to leave on this day. What really hurts was that she was going off to see this guy when my Nan (my Mum's Mum) was dying. I can't get my head around that. It was awful when my Mum left. My Dad was understandably distraught. I tried my best to help him and sort out things. My Mum didn't really contact us very much. I became so resentful towards her. Christmas came. She didn't offer to see us. Made no effort at all. Anyway, about a week into January she decided that she wanted to come back home. So, my Dad picked her up with all her stuff and she came back home. I hated the fact that she was back and didn't talk to her. This went on for about a month. The atmosphere at home was terrible. One night my Dad snapped and said to me if you can't speak to your Mum then find somewhere else to live. I was devastated. After everything I had done to help him he had turned against me. The next day, my boyfriend broke up with me. I had no-one. My Nan was gone. To me I didn't have a Mum. My Dad had turned on me and then finally my boyfriend leaves me.

Ethel It's fine hun. You weren't prying. My CPN asked me how they can help me but I've told him. How can you help someone who wants to die. To that he didn't answer.

Do you find it helps you by talking to your Great Uncle? I wish my Nan would give me a sign, just so that I knew she was around thinking of us.

geminilady Yes, I have parents but up until I overdosed the first time I hadn't spoken to my Mum properly in 3/4 months. My Dad turned on me a few days before I overdosed. I guess I thought they didn't care or want me around. My boyfriend says he cares but he wasn't around when I needed him i.e last few weeks. I wanted him with me in the hospital.

At least if I were to end my life I wouldn't have to live each day and feel so crap. I just don't fit in. I'm sick of trying. I've got nothing in my life worth living for anyway so what's the point.

Apologies for my long post.

Horasio

I am so depressed

I should be asleep as I have a viewing tomorrow but I am so depressed and wound up.

The viewer didn't turn up tonight, claiming he broke down but we had to ring and find out. He said he would ring and arrange another appointment, rather than make one there and then. I feel he thought his wife had been too keen and would cause trouble. i would like to tell them to eff off tbh and really hope we find another person as keen, so we can say they are going to lose the place by playing silly beggars.

I am sick of their bad manners by turning up late the other night and not informing us they but they seem keen, though they do have a place to sell, but apparently it is the norm in Scotland.

Anyway that was annoying enough then we go out and when we get home, we settle and cuddle and he cuts out on me. Yes he is tired etc and it is annoying but on top of the bad treatment we have had given to us and the traumas this week/month I find things less tolerable. I don't need the level of upsets and feel I am going to end up having a near breakdown like I did back in 1983.

Every pleasure is getting ruined or going wrong. I am getting so wound up and stressed by it all. I am getting to the point I am too scared to get happy. I keep saying well that has passed, now things will improve, now I am sceptical, in February alone, some major sh*te has gone on!

We had this accident in Wales in 1983 on the first day of our holiday and ever since I have been a VERY jumpy passenger with EVERYONE who is driving! It is because it was on our holiday and supposed to be relaxing. It wasn't our fault but ever since I have felt anxious that something will go wrong or my OH will spoil it by withdrawing at a time we should be together. I was feeling so chilled on the night of the accident, it is like something telling me, if you relax, I will give u a fright or major stress.

Illogical or what but I feel if I get away from my OH, things will be more relaxed and less likely to go wrong. Every time I feel OK and together with him, he withdraws and it hurts. Can he be attracting the bad luck or is it the Labour party?, as since they have been in the bad luck has been immense!

I feel like running away and getting some pleasure. When we sell the house I can make a decision. I feel I need to be alone and rest and relax before I go nuts!

Horasio

EthelBloggs wrote:

That's what she says too, that she wants to die.. and she was gutted that she survived each time. She fought the doctors off and all sorts, had security guards watching her til she passed out so the docs could do their thing. she's also tried to hang herself a couple of times and she carves her body up with anything she can find now, she can't find knives or scissors or anything here at home now cos it's all locked away but she'll even use a cd case or the edge of a mobile phone battery.. it's awful.

She's in a long term stay hospital now and will be for at least another 6-18 months..

Do your family not mention it for fear of upsetting you? It seems to be one of the main conversation topics in ours

I am sorry to hear that but it sounded very serious what I read over the last few days - you must be feeling in despair - (((big hugs)))

Is it better to talk about it or not? Taboos seem to make the problem bigger and bigger, I find talking about it does keep it in proportion.

Horasio

Sorry I haven't replied individually to you all, I am reading and see what is going on.

All I can offer is (((big hugs))) to you all, I feel on such shaky ground that I don't feel capable of being much help to anyone. I keep dusting myself down and starting again, only to get more sh*te thrown at me. How can I keep going? How do I lose this fear of being happy or relaxing?

One thought

Is it better to be alone and have less aggro or be in a relationship that is volatile that swings from being feeling ecstactic to feeling suicidal so much?

Horasio

EthelBloggs wrote:

RBK.. I just spoke to my daughter.. she said what helps her the most is individual 1 to 1 therapy and thinking of how many people she would hurt if she succeeded.. me, the rest of the family, her friends, her b/f.. even the cat, lol

She asked me to ask you why you feel like you want to die?

My feelings of death

My reason for wanting to die, sometimes, is to be rid of any aggro and irritations in life but the price is never coming back and not experiencing any nice things.

Funnily enough, I wondered what I would miss had I died on Wednesday and tho I have had a lot of aggro since, I wouldn't want to miss out on new nice experiences or pleasures that life has to offer.

I also wonder what nice experiences my father has missed out on since he died in 2002.

I also know that any bad feeling passes, so it stops me from doing anything serious. I certainly wanted to die when I had my severe PMS. Now I want to have a break from it all. I often think, we want to have a break from whatever brings us down, rather than be away permanently, unless it is getting away from an abusive person.

Sazbo

Good morning my dears :hello: Apologies for bailing on you last night, I just crashed out. Sun's shining again, must try to get out and about today. Get some stuff done. Want to put the slow cooker on, make some sourdough bread, maybe some pasta too. Model Old-Styler that I am!

Much love to you all,
Sazzyxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sazbo

CCStar wrote:

Sorry I haven't replied individually to you all, I am reading and see what is going on.

All I can offer is (((big hugs))) to you all, I feel on such shaky ground that I don't feel capable of being much help to anyone. I keep dusting myself down and starting again, only to get more sh*te thrown at me. How can I keep going? How do I lose this fear of being happy or relaxing?

Don't worry CC hun, I often feel the same. The good thing about this thread (or one of them) is that between us there is always someone on hand to give advice and support. You are helpful and supportive yourself, even when you don't feel like replying to everyone.

CCStar wrote:

One thought
Is it better to be alone and have less aggro or be in a relationship that is volatile that swings from being feeling ecstactic to feeling suicidal so much?

Wish I knew the answer to that hun. There's pros and cons with both isn't there. I have to say throughout my adult life I have spent more time being alone than in relationships. And whilst there are advantages, it ain't a whole lot of fun, tbh. But neither is being in a volatile relationship. So - I don't know the answer!

Take care,
Sazxxxxx

EthelBloggs

Afternoon peeps

Nothing new to report from me really.. just waitng for the support worker to come and we were going to go looking round the market n stuff but i've just seen that it's raining soo......... I dunno now

Hope everyone's fine xxxxxxxxxx