Depression

gillette147

OK folkes,

I have never experienced a blacker time on here than last night.
I don't mean from me really - but from those posting. I almost felt ashamed to be posting on here as you all seemed to be playing Depression Top Trumps.

Christ RBK, Rosie and Ethel and the other people dealing with suicide. It's hard to hear let alone help people who have such large problems - but in my own little way I'd like to try.

No-one can tell anyone to feel a certain way. They feel how they feel. Sometimes understanding why helps, sometimes it doesn't. I feel I just can't say "But your whole life is ahead of you" because I know how that can feel meaningless to a person who feels despair.

I don't know if even I will ever be happy - so to promise it to someone else is nice but it's a potentially false hope. I myself have something inside me that deep down feels that it's worth carrying on. My current life is of little to no value but like a salmon I feel a compulsion to carry on.

We are all alone - Stay with me on this.
It always surprised me when people on here have partners who they love and who love them yet they are depressed. But I think this is because of my first statement. Maybe if you accept that you are alone then anything else is a bonus.

I have things I love. Music, igneous rocks, comedy and they give me moments of pleasure. I love nature and find it amazing. But I realise that you can feel like that and still feel your life is not worth living.

It is so hard to hear RBK and Rose talking about ending their lives. I know I don't know either of them. And the smokescreen of the written word reveals so little of the real person.

But I can tell you both that Hurt/Loss in whatever form does lessen with time.
I can tell you that life can flip in an instant from bad to good as well as from good to bad.
I can tell you both that you sound (and am sure are) fasinating and wonderful people.
I can tell you that life is 50% your attitude to it.

Life is a lottery and I guess some will never win. But we truely don't know the outcome. Pain is manufactured by the brain - it's not real. You have to give it a go. Faint heart never f-ed a princess. I don't mean go out there and carpe diem - but just fight and stay with it. I might end up marrying one of you. I'm joking - but none of us know what will happen.

Just try to go easy on yourselves. No-one is judging us - no-one that matters. That's the advantage of being alone maybe.

Ok, I'll shut up.
When I get this exam out of the way - I'll write you all a poem too.
I like creative writing and would love to do one now. But I really should revise.

I REALLY want to thank all of you on here.
I am humbled and touched daily by you all.
I could cry when I think about you all. Not tears of sadness. Just tears because I find it so touching that you are even here.

I would love to be a wonderful person one day. And it is so nice to meet some.

xxxx

Let_Robinson_Sing

Hello comrades! hope all is well today *hugs*

thanks Gilly for that wonderful message.

i've had a nice day the sun is shining and i had a good fun in Preston today as i was demonstrating against privatising the NHS.

Sugar_Coated_Owl

Afternoon all!

What a lovely caring post Gillette. I wish I could believe the things that you say.

How is the revision going?

xxx

gillette147

razorbladekisses wrote:

Afternoon all!

What a lovely caring post Gillette. I wish I could believe the things that you say.

How is the revision going?

xxx

I lost my father when I was in my mid-20s.
He had cancer and he could only cope if we all pretended it wasn't happening. Him and my mom kept lots of the info from me and my sister - and we went along with the pretence.

I didn't know it - but he came out of the hospital to die. He'd been offered a place in a hospice but wanted to be at home.
The last week (not that I knew it was the last) was an accelerating hell. As he deteriorated. He couldn't even take all the pills he was supossed to. We had no medical help as me and mom made decisions as to what to try and get him to take and what to omit. When the pain was so great that we had to increase the morphine doses - not knowing if what we were doing was right. I watched my dad get robbed of everything - as we fought a losing battle.

The horror of it f-ed me up for two years. I self-harmed by falling out with my best friend. Isolated myself from the others. Tried alcohol briefly but soon realised that it wasn't the answer.

It changed me from someone who was at his core someone who wanted to be happy, to someone who at the core was not.

It's been 14 years now. I am depressed for other reasons now. Pain however deep does abate in time.

I know I COULD be happy. I didn't believe it then or for a long time afterwards. Time helps. After so many hundred "why's" your brain eventually gets the message that to do that is fruitless and moves on.

Believe what I said before.
The past does not indicate the future. Even in my fragile state I know that.
Life flops about and has no pattern.

You never know xx

gillette147

I have done NO revision for the last 24hrs.
However I feel a bit more confident.

I am going through a period of "mind opening".
I need to lose my fear so my brain will let the stuff go in.
I am also sorting some personal stuff out on msn which is getting in the way of my sense of calm - so it is worth doing.

Bless you for asking girlie
xxx

Sugar_Coated_Owl

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your Dad. I can't begin to imagine how tough that must have been for you to cope with.

Time is a great healer.

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more confident about the exam. That's a good sign.

xxx

gillette147

razorbladekisses wrote:

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your Dad. I can't begin to imagine how tough that must have been for you to cope with.

Time is a great healer.

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more confident about the exam. That's a good sign.

xxx

I just wanted to give some validity to my words

xxx

geminilady

Hi everyone,I have not got a lot of time as i need to get ready for my night out but Rose's poem reminded me' i said i would post a couple of poems about depression ages ago so here they are--

Depression

Silent screams from deep inside
silent screams you have to hide
no one can see the pain within
the feeling that you just can't win

all hope is gone things look so bleak
you want to be strong but find your week
all you can feel is deep dark dispair
you need someone but no one's there

your in a tunnel can't find the way out
you want to scream you want to shout
but there's no point no one hears
no one can see your darkest fears

Empty
Empty house,empty life
empty past full of strife
empty arms no one to care
need someone,no one there

empty days empty nights
empty battle lost the fight
empty future stretches wide
empty yearning deep in side

empty eyes that cannot cry
empty thoughts wonder why
empty hopes empty dreams
no one hears silent screams

EthelBloggs

geminilady wrote:

Hi everyone,I have not got a lot of time as i need to get ready for my night out but Rose's poem reminded me' i said i would post a couple of poems about depression ages ago so here they are--

s

Have a great time gem xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

EthelBloggs

Let_Robinson_Sing wrote:

Hello comrades! hope all is well today *hugs*

thanks Gilly for that wonderful message.

i've had a nice day the sun is shining and i had a good fun in Preston today as i was demonstrating against privatising the NHS.

Well done you!!! how are things going?