Depression

Sazbo

Karrie wrote:

I guess I am asking for advise really. I have suffered from depression on and off since I was a teenager. I only acknowledged it when PND set in 10 years ago. It affected my relationship of 12 years and we split. To this day I can't forgive the way I treated him. However, he's moved on and we get on just fine now.

Four years ago I met a fantastic man. He loves me to bits but he hates my bouts of depression. I am soooo awful to him. Pick on him for no reason at all. And he puts up with it because he knows it's not the real me. Yesterday I left his house and I sat and cried asking myself "why do I do it?" I am a very independent person and hate relying on other people but that just makes me very lonely. As soon as I begin to rely on someone, the barriers come up. My partner is wonderful with my son. We talked about moving in together but I keep putting it off because I would be just horrible to live with. How do I make myself a better person?? I have had counselling when I had PND so I know all this crappy depression stems from my childhood. My parents were never loving and spent most of their time fighting (physical). My Dads parents hated me and made me well aware of that (that's another long and petty story). My Dad died when I was 16 which at the time, came as a huge relief (sounds awful I know but that's another guilt trip for me) as there was no more fighting. My mum was very young when she had me, too young. She once criticised my appearance and to this day it has affected my confidence to the fact that I hate meeting people. Why can't I move on? Why can't I be nice to the people that I love and people that love me. No-one knows that I suffer from it. How could they? I hide it so well. But I am horrid to the guy that loves me and he tries very hard to understand. We have been invited to his works do in a couple of weeks and I am dreading it. I feel people will think I am not good enough for him. I feel that they judge me on my appearance and feel really uncomfortable. It's so ridiculous.

I am not a confident person and am very sensitive too. But when people meet me they think I am aloof. It's only when they get to know me (and I've been told this) that they realise I am a big softie.

What do I do? Ask for more counselling? I take tablets when I know I am bad but they are very low dose now. Do I ask for more? Does depression every go away?

I know this post sounds as if I feel sorry for myself, I really don't. I understand the reason for my depression. I just need to understand what to do to make me a better person and enjoy my life.

any advise would be truly welcome - thanks guys

Hi Karrie and thanks for posting :hello: As CC says, it'd probably be worth having another chat with your doc. It would give you an opportunity to review your treatment plan and discuss the options available to you if you feel things aren't being addressed. IMHO it does seem as though there are various issues (self-esteem paticularly) that you need to talk through, perhaps, and maybe a resumption of counselling might be a way forward. You ask why you can't move on. Well, very often, through no fault of our own, in out adult life we find ourselves imprisoned in a way by formative experiences. Counselling can be a way of unravelling the things we trap ourselves with and enable us to see a way forward. So, have a chat with your doc hunnie, but in the meantime you can chat to us anytime at all. There are some very supportive people folk on here. Big hugs and take care. Love Sazxxx

gillette147

Hi folkes,

Black cloud descended today.
I don't react well to bad news (I became a great-uncle today. I am really happy - but its when I shud be happy, that's I flip).

My g/f went home a day earlier to be with her son coz she felt she shud. I am trying to be ok with it - but all the black thoughts are telling me she's bored with me, and giving me urges to put up a wall to her (which I am really trying to stop).

I feel all tingly (not in a good way). I think it will subside soon but I dunno. I guess I have to supress the feelings and hope it is all just in my head. She tells me she loves me and I guess I have to trust it.

NOTE: Can the person who knows my g/f not tell her about this post please xx

Glad you are ok Tiff. And for LtD further good news.

Hi to sazzy, ethel, pumpkin, rose, carol, other regulars and quite a few newbies.

Love and hugs to you all
xxxxx

Sazbo

gillette147 wrote:

Hi folkes,

Black cloud descended today.
I don't react well to bad news (I became a great-uncle today. I am really happy - but its when I shud be happy, that's I flip).

My g/f went home a day earlier to be with her son coz she felt she shud. I am trying to be ok with it - but all the black thoughts are telling me she's bored with me, and giving me urges to put up a wall to her (which I am really trying to stop).

I feel all tingly (not in a good way). I think it will subside soon but I dunno. I guess I have to supress the feelings and hope it is all just in my head. She tells me she loves me and I guess I have to trust it.

NOTE: Can the person who knows my g/f not tell her about this post please xx

Glad you are ok Tiff. And for LtD further good news.

Hi to sazzy, ethel, pumpkin, rose, carol, other regulars and quite a few newbies.

Love and hugs to you all
xxxxx

Hey gilly hun xxx :hello: Do you think your doubts might be more to do with how you feel about yourself rather than your g/f - or that you self doubt informs hpw you react to your g/f? Just my thoughts hun, as always xxx Did you get to have a further chat with her about the stuff that was troubling you? Much love, Sazzyxxx

gillette147

Sazbo wrote:

Hey gilly hun xxx :hello: Do you think your doubts might be more to do with how you feel about yourself rather than your g/f - or that you self doubt informs hpw you react to your g/f? Just my thoughts hun, as always xxx Did you get to have a further chat with her about the stuff that was troubling you? Much love, Sazzyxxx

Well, when we are together we don't do much. I let her watch all her soaps (which takes up alot of the day). I am happy just coz I'm with her - but I just hope she is happy too.

The stuff from last week has been put behind us. I jumped too high and we are fine about it all.

EthelBloggs

hiya gilly

congrats on the new baby for starters Sometimes I think big events like that can highlight what we see as shortcomings in our own lives/selves somehow, even tho that's completely irrational.. it's like.. we can't fully go with the moment and enjoy it because everything else in our lives isn't just right.

Re the g/f... how old is her son? speaking from experience.. kids are experts at emotional blackmail and making you feel guilty for even breathing! Could be that he played the old.. but you're always away at the weekend.. we never do anything.. blah blah blah.. and that plays havoc with relationships.. I know cos I've been there!! It takes a strong man to get involved with someone with kids from a previous relationship.. cos quite often there is a battle of wills which can make life hell and if she's like me.. she'll try not to let you know about it in case it scares you off.

Try to keep the barrier down if you can hun.. she can't be bored with you.. I doubt that that's even possible!

Take care n massive huggs!!

Ethel xxxxxxx

Bunnie1982

I don't know how to cope anymore.

Told that the landlord wants us out in 6 weeks so he can sell the house. Gotta find money upwards of £500 for a deposit for a new place within at least 2/3 weeks - at the moment considering resorting to stupid high rate Provident loans out of sheer desperation.

Got forms filled in for local housing authority, tried to think of every loophole to allow us to get a council house quicker.

Every time I start to feel more relaxed something comes along and upsets me, like this evening the landlord called to say estate agents want to come look round the property and can people look at the house without us there.

I fell out with my Mum yesterday after a past year of her upsetting me, I have resolved never to call her again - she can chase after me for a change.

Yesterday I just wanted to die

Sazbo

gillette147 wrote:

Well, when we are together we don't do much. I let her watch all her soaps (which takes up alot of the day). I am happy just coz I'm with her - but I just hope she is happy too.

The stuff from last week has been put behind us. I jumped too high and we are fine about it all.

It does sound as though she is comfortable spending time with you, which would would seem to suggest she is happy. You need to give yourself more credit gilly hun:) Much love, Sazzyxxx

EthelBloggs

Huggs bunnie..

I don't know wht to say about your landlord, never having been in your predicament.. but I know how you feel abou your mum.. mine's the same and in fact we had a period of about 8 months of not talking at all.. only broken when she was ill and her neighbour called an ambulance and then let me know about it.

Try to avoid those provvy loans if you can.. it'll take forever to pay back and you'll regret it for sure.. will your landlord not give your deposit back a bit early or something? might be worth asking?

Big huggs

Ethel xx

Bunnie1982

EthelBloggs wrote:

Huggs bunnie..

I don't know wht to say about your landlord, never having been in your predicament.. but I know how you feel abou your mum.. mine's the same and in fact we had a period of about 8 months of not talking at all.. only broken when she was ill and her neighbour called an ambulance and then let me know about it.

Try to avoid those provvy loans if you can.. it'll take forever to pay back and you'll regret it for sure.. will your landlord not give your deposit back a bit early or something? might be worth asking?

Big huggs

Ethel xx

Nope, have asked that and unfortunately they won't give it back until 10 days after we move out :mad:

EthelBloggs

geez... you think they'd do it as a goodwill gesture given the mess they're putting you in.. could you dig your heels n stay put as sitting tenants?