Do dad's have any rights?

MrsBryan_2

Thanks for all your replies.
I just wrote a big long reply quoting some of you and my internet crashed! So will try again, by replying in the order you wrote IYSWIM!

At the moment he is keeping in her good books as he is frightened that if he kicks off about anything that she says/does, she will say to him that he can't have the kids. Although I can't see her doing that because he has them more than she does at the moment.

The children seem ok, brother has questioned them about living there and they say, 'it's alright'. Nephew said new BF is a 'bit of a wally'. As I've mentioned, SIL has her own flat that is paid for but because she's lost her job, she's moved in with boyfriend to save money on food, bills etc. Her BF has custody of his 2 children which live there too. Nephew is sleeping on a matress on living room floor. Niece is sharing with his 13 yr old daughter,(who got into niece's facebook account yesterday and wrote some horrible things as her status update. Brother went mad and SIL assures him she is dealing with it.) I suppose his children are probably feeling out of sorts too.

The sister was very upset at her behaviour and worried for the kids safety. It's not lies, my brother knew about the drug taking as before the split she told him she was doing certain drugs when out with her new friends. Brother hated it but couldn't stop her. None of her family knew this.

I am trying my best to 'stay out of it', but when my brother calls me, I am there for him and will listen to his worries. My brother is the 'innocent victim' in all this, even my SIL text me when they split up to say that he had done nothing wrong, he was the perfect husband, father and it was her.
I had my hen weekend a couple of months before they split up and she confessed to me that she wasn't happy and felt like she wanted to be single and sleep with different men. I was shocked but to be honest, just thought it was the drink talking and being swept up in the whole weekend, getting chatted up by men etc. When they split up, she told my brother that she'd slept with a man on my hen do. She was sharing a room with her friend a couple of doors down from me. Which, obviously devastatedme, not to mention my brother.

My brother will go for full custody if he really needs to, ie if they really are in danger, or witnessing anything they shouldnt....he works shift work and needs his job to pay the mortgage....if he had them full time they would be on their own for quite a large part of the day which he doesn't want to do. Obviously he would do anything if necessary.

They have agreed that he has the children every day after school when he's on earlies (3-9pm), overnight friday, drop them back saturday afternoon, so he gets sat eve and sunday to himself.
When he's on lates, he doesn't see them during the week but has them all weekend, picks them up friday night, drops them back sunday night. Which only leaves him one saturday every fortnight to go out. She's been asking him to have them that saturday night too, so she can go out every weekend. At the start he relented as he wanted to see the kids, but recentely he said that saturday is for him to go out with his mates, she went mad and said that if he wants to see the kids, he'll have to come and pick them up from her Bf house as she's not going to make the effort!! (they were taking it in turns to drop off and pick up kids). There's lots of things she's being unreasonable about. My brother is now picking the kids up from the BF house and dropping them off there. They do seem to want to be with my brother alot and will jump at the chance to be there any spare day in the holidays. He took last week off and had them for the whole week and they didnt want to go back

princessdreamer

His children are around the same age as mine, they will as other people have said vote with their feet. My children do not see their father at all through his choice, though I have been informed that the oldest will never be forced to see his father even if it did go to court.
The key to the whole issue is keeping things amicable sadly my ex could not be bothered and blames me for his cheating. Children see and hear much more than we think they do. Hope it works out.

make_me_wise

princessdreamer wrote: »

Children see and hear much more than we think they do. Hope it works out.

This is so true. What they will be noticing the most at the moment is the dignified way that their father is behaving OP. I am sure your brother must be overwhelmed with emotions and panic for his relationship with his children. He must be swallowing alot of pride in order to keep being civil with their mum to secure seeing the children regularly. All this effort will not be going unnoticed.

It is with him that they feel most safe and secure, which is probably why they didn't want to leave him when they stayed for the week. At their ages it must be incredibly hard for them to have gone from a loving family unit, to being round a mum who sounds as if she is going though alot of emotionall turmoil and is behaving so erratically. To also be coping with a new boyfriend on the scene, all living together and getting use to his kids. All very unsettling for them. Your brother is their rock OP and he should be very proud of himself.

meritaten

The kids are 14 and 11 right? has anyone asked them what is going on? who they want to live with? I am pretty sure that at that age the court takes their wishes into account.

MrsBryan_2

Make me wise, that very nearly brought me to tears. Thank you. I'm very proud of him.
He's just starting to get himself together. He's had 6 weeks of counselling recentley (which his employers paid for him as it was affecting his work and he wouldn't take any time off) which he didn't think has helped but I think it has. He seems to have more good days than bad now.
SIL is most probably going through a midlife crisis or emotional turmoil but to behave this way is so out of character. We're all grieving in a strange way, my brother has lost his wife, I've lost my best friend and my parents have lost a daughter....it has churned up some funny emotions.
The whole situation is heartbreaking, but he's not the only man its happened to and I'm sure in the future it will sort itself out.
Thanks for all of your replies.
J x

Person_one

meritaten wrote: »

The kids are 14 and 11 right? has anyone asked them what is going on? who they want to live with? I am pretty sure that at that age the court takes their wishes into account.

Asking a child to choose between mum and dad is really really cruel.

Don't ask them, just be ready to listen when they come to you, it needs to be their own idea.

MrsBryan_2

meritaten....my brother didn't want to put that on them just yet....they've only been moved out for 4 months, at BF for about 1 month.....he wants to tread very carefully as not to upset them. Neither child have said the want to live with either parent, they seem to be just accepting the situation. I think as time goes on he will ask the question.
My brother lives 5mins from their school.....which ironically is the reason they moved to that house.
The BF's house is about 10 miles and 2 bus rides away whch I think after a while might start to wear thin and maybe they'll want to be at their dads.

meritaten

I think at 14 and 11 the children are well aware of whats going on. trying to protect them is not only futile but counterproductive! they may think their dad doesnt care! Ask them how they feel and what they want - because the judge probably will, and if they think dad doesnt care.................they will want the status quo.

flutterby_lil

Nothing much to add apart from to try and stay strong for the kids.

What a b1tch!!

Good luck to all involved. I believe in what goes around comes around.

ford_prefect_3

Your brother is in an interesting position from a child access perspective in that she clearly finds the kids get in the way of her new life.

Firstly, he needs to learn the stock phrase "if that is in the best interest of the children then that is what she will do" it was something the first solicitor I spoke to told me when I explained how my now ex wife would go off and make threats about access if I wanted a weekend to socialise. Usually that statement would elicit a climb down in about 5 minutes as she realises that by denying me access to my daughter meant she had her full time and couldnt go out herself.

Your sister is currently suffering from what is known to all us guys as "monkey syndrome" which means she isnt going to let go of one branch (your brother) until she has a firm grip on the next, her reaction to his need to have a Saturday for himself is a classic example, she wants to party hard but wants to keep him single and available as a fall back option.

I would suggest you advise your brother to keep his personal life entirely secret, if he thinks his ex goes a bit loopy if he wants a Saturday to go out with his mates he is in for a shock if she finds out he has been in the presence of another woman apart from his own mother!

The children are certainly old enough to have a choice, the 14 year old is already classed as Gillick competent and its likely the 11 year old would be as well and it is absolutely imperative he monitors there wellbeing, households where the mother and boyfriend regularly get spannered on drugs are never a good environment.

I would also recommend he keeps in close touch with the school and has a good relationship with the childrens teachers as they may well see things the kids will try to keep from Dad so as not to upset him.

Above all the family as a whole needs to support the children and there choices whilst not denigrating the mother in front of them.