Do dad's have any rights?

Zoetoes

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

thats obviously the only danger to kids as far as your concerned. says a lot really. we all know which side of the coin you obviously fall under. shameful.

Yes, the side that says I have good insight, clearly you are on the other side, the no clue just spout side.

Zoetoes

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

obviously not in your book but in many it does. like i say druggys will say anything to convince themselves that theyre not an addict. even if they rely on 'the odd line of coke' to have a good time, week in week out.

So what would your answer be for children of a parent who is a recreational drug user? Remove the children from the family home?

make_me_wise

MrsBryan wrote: »

I do think that I will suggest to my brother about speaking to the school. Niece is starting Year 7 in September, same school as nephew, nephew going into year 10.

makemewise, she was always a very good mum, brilliant, they both had parenting down perfectly and the children are a credit to them. Polite, confident, well-mannered and just gorgeous (I may be biased haha), everyone who meets them comments how lovely they are. Some days my brother mentally cannot get his head around how she's behaving and it really gets to him. He feels completely helpless.

Both the children are coming up to stages in their education which will be demanding on them. Your niece is going through that difficult transition from junior to high school and your nephew must be starting his gcse years. The pressure builds on kids at these times.
What they need is security and stability now not living in chaos and watching a mum they obviously love very much going off the rails.

I do get this uneasy feeling that your sil probably feels like she has made a massive mistake. If leaving your brother and starting a new life with her boyfriend was so great she wouldn't be acting the way she is. If life were the way she wanted it she wouldn't be focusing on 'I have lost my home, I have lost my job'. She comes across as someone who has suddenly realised the grass isn't greener elsewhere.

Is there anyone in her family or yours who could talk to her and really listen. Im not saying that to mock you at all. I have alot of respect for you OP. I just think that if she were able to talk everything out now then a sensible, well considered way forward for her and the kids may be achieved. I wish you all luck with this.

CH27

Has your brother made it very clear to both children that they are always welcome at his house to visit or stay?

FBaby

you say that the problem is getting proof that she is doing drugs... that's the thing, noone has any proof yet she is judge guilty as sin. Looking like she is high is no proof at all. Drugs cause you to be on a high, but you can be on a high without taking drugs.

As for the sex business, it made me laugh... so she is rediscovering a sex life and enjoys some actions in the bedroom... how does this equate to her acting innapropriately and doing it when the kids are up?

Considering there is no doubt that she was a very good mum before, i would really be careful with all the allegations made. Most seem to come from her sister and you don't know what is going between these two. There might be factors that neither you nor your brother are aware of that could push the sister to say things that are not true.

I would say until there is absolute obvious evidence (she's arrested for drink/drug driving), I would just stick to insuring the kids seem ok, which from what you say is the case for now.

clearingout

MrsBryan wrote: »

I do think that I will suggest to my brother about speaking to the school. Niece is starting Year 7 in September, same school as nephew, nephew going into year 10.

makemewise, she was always a very good mum, brilliant, they both had parenting down perfectly and the children are a credit to them. Polite, confident, well-mannered and just gorgeous (I may be biased haha), everyone who meets them comments how lovely they are. Some days my brother mentally cannot get his head around how she's behaving and it really gets to him. He feels completely helpless.

It won't be much consolation but might help with a bit of perspective - it is perfectly 'normal' for one half of a separating couple to turn into someone no one recognises. I still look at my ex and wonder if there has been an alien invasion, so contrary is his current behaviour to that of the man I married (and he left me over 2 1/2 years ago!). It is terrifying sending your children into the unknown (or leaving them in the unknown, as your brother is doing) knowing that the person you previously would have trusted to care for them is behaving in such a manner. I get snippets from my eldest child about things that have gone on at dad's house - all of which my children seem to consider 'normal' - some of which is very worrying (although no drug taking which I can see is the main issue for you). Re-discovering sex is also normal with new relationships - my eldest once asked me why daddy had a whip and handcuffs in his bedroom! And, I suspect, bragging about the sex is also normal because it's making you happy - I disagree entirely with makemewise on this point. I think the fact that she's bragging, buying new clothes, showing off is part and parcel of where she's at and doesn't necessarily mean that all isn't OK.

All of that said, I can see the drug taking appears somewhat more than recreational and that is your worry. If a solicitor has suggested hiring a private detective, what do they suggest you use the evidence for? has the solicitor stated that they will instruct the private detective on what he's looking for? If you go down this route - and I agree , if she's doing the drug taking in her house it might be wasted money - the solicitor needs to be clear what the purpose of all this is so you get the information you need. If it's for court, the evidence needs to pass court standards (which are high and very complex). It may be possible to get photos of her buying drugs? It may be possible to get video footage of her staggering out of a pub and into a car? I am not knowledgeable enough to know whether this would help in court for residence of the children.

Keeping a diary of any incidents - date, time, what people say is worth doing. You will lose the detail after a while if you try and hold it all in your head.

I hope you can work this out for the children. You may have a long fight on your hands. Keep listening to them. Don't worry about mum - she's made her bed, needs to lie in it. Focus on supporting your brother and his children.

MrsBryan_2

Sometimes my bro thinks she feels like she's made a mistake....last week she rang him up crying saying how unhappy she was, turned out it was because she was looking after the dog for a couple of days as bro was on odd shift, and the dog had peed over the floor....her BF went mad because it was 'antique' floor and banned the dog from the house. She said to bro 'he keeps having a go at me and we're rowing alot'. Bro said tough, it was your decision to leave me for him, you deal with it. She got hysterical, sobbing so bro hung up. I'm glad he's being more firm, he said his feelings for her are changing.....he doesn't love her anymore. Where as before he said he couldn't switch his feelings off and he still loved her.

ch27, yes he has made it very clear that they are always welcome to stay. In fact, they seem to be staying at his quite alot. I actually had the kids overnight last night and they said that when they start school they would like to stay with their dad as much as possible.....the school is a 5 minute walk from his house, compared to having to get 2 buses from BF house.

Fbaby, she was doing drugs when she was still with my brother, she admitted it to him and told him what she was taking. Then she told her sister, who never knew anything about the drug taking, that she was doing the drugs with her new BF, so that is proof that she's still doing them. How could her sister make it up that she was taking drugs, then name the 3 specific type that my brother already knew she had been taking? Don't want to get petty, but when its your family, my brother and niece and nephew whom I adore, and their mum has acted the way she has, split the family up and then being irresponsible enough to do all these drugs.....you're telling me you would just wait until she gets caught drink/drug driving? No way.

The soliciotir suggested a private dectective to catch her buying drugs or getting into her car whilst under the influence....all of what you have said. Bit of a long shot really. Don't really want to go down that road.

Bro was doing the whole diary thing but apparantley, its not worth keeping a diary of incidents. She can just deny everything he's written. 'That didn't happen, he's lying etc.' And they'd be no proof. All text messages and pictures can be kept as they were sent from her phone.

Thanks for all of your replies and advice. I'm sure things will work out, it just takes time....and it's not going to be an easy ride!

Zoetoes

MrsBryan wrote: »

Sometimes my bro thinks she feels like she's made a mistake....last week she rang him up crying saying how unhappy she was, turned out it was because she was looking after the dog for a couple of days as bro was on odd shift, and the dog had peed over the floor....her BF went mad because it was 'antique' floor and banned the dog from the house. She said to bro 'he keeps having a go at me and we're rowing alot'. Bro said tough, it was your decision to leave me for him, you deal with it. She got hysterical, sobbing so bro hung up. I'm glad he's being more firm, he said his feelings for her are changing.....he doesn't love her anymore. Where as before he said he couldn't switch his feelings off and he still loved her.

ch27, yes he has made it very clear that they are always welcome to stay. In fact, they seem to be staying at his quite alot. I actually had the kids overnight last night and they said that when they start school they would like to stay with their dad as much as possible.....the school is a 5 minute walk from his house, compared to having to get 2 buses from BF house.

Fbaby, she was doing drugs when she was still with my brother, she admitted it to him and told him what she was taking. Then she told her sister, who never knew anything about the drug taking, that she was doing the drugs with her new BF, so that is proof that she's still doing them. How could her sister make it up that she was taking drugs, then name the 3 specific type that my brother already knew she had been taking? Don't want to get petty, but when its your family, my brother and niece and nephew whom I adore, and their mum has acted the way she has, split the family up and then being irresponsible enough to do all these drugs.....you're telling me you would just wait until she gets caught drink/drug driving? No way.

The soliciotir suggested a private dectective to catch her buying drugs or getting into her car whilst under the influence....all of what you have said. Bit of a long shot really. Don't really want to go down that road.

Bro was doing the whole diary thing but apparantley, its not worth keeping a diary of incidents. She can just deny everything he's written. 'That didn't happen, he's lying etc.' And they'd be no proof. All text messages and pictures can be kept as they were sent from her phone.

Thanks for all of your replies and advice. I'm sure things will work out, it just takes time....and it's not going to be an easy ride!

One thing that sticks out for me, and this isn't to criticise, your brother knew about the drugs while they were together so why now she's left him has it just become an issue and him wanting to 'get proof'?

balletshoes

It may be that the solicitor told your brother not to bother with a diary because he's not going for full custody of the children? My brother has custody of his daughter, and the diary has been used ever since he instructed his solicitor to file for full custody (and it is still being used).

Maybe others will disagree with me, but if you're a parent, neither of you are really "entitled" to a regular weekend night out without having to worry about childcare (although it does seem to be seen as something of an entitlement with separated/divorced parents who's kids spend time at both parents houses). If thats the reason your brother has given to not have the kids every weekend, I don't think that will help him with joint/full custody in the long run. What message does that send to the kids? Both parents arguing because neither wants them on a Saturday night?

Zoetoes

balletshoes wrote: »

It may be that the solicitor told your brother not to bother with a diary because he's not going for full custody of the children? My brother has custody of his daughter, and the diary has been used ever since he instructed his solicitor to file for full custody (and it is still being used).

Maybe others will disagree with me, but if you're a parent, neither of you are really "entitled" to a regular weekend night out without having to worry about childcare (although it does seem to be seen as something of an entitlement with separated/divorced parents who's kids spend time at both parents houses). If thats the reason your brother has given to not have the kids every weekend, I don't think that will help him with joint/full custody in the long run. What message does that send to the kids? Both parents arguing because neither wants them on a Saturday night?

I agree, it's all too easy to get caught up in getting at each other and forgetting about the most important thing - the kids.