Worried about baby staying in dangerous house

Darlyd

I just get the feeling OP chooses her career over any child's welfare. I don't know, I just do.

Newly_retired

darlyd wrote: »

I just get the feeling OP chooses her career over any child's welfare. I don't know, I just do.

I think that is unfair. The OP has a good job and is right to want to support herself and her child.

NickyBat

darlyd wrote: »

I just get the feeling OP chooses her career over any child's welfare. I don't know, I just do.

What was she supposed to do, give up work an go on benefits?

swimsink

Long and expensive road but TAKE HIM TO COURT!! You cannot have any child in that situation let alone one too young to voice whats happening! Moreso if the older children are being neglected call social services, it will be anonymous and you could perhaps be giving those children a much better life - not necessarily meaning that they will be taken into care but that the parents may get more help and it might give them a kick up the bum to sort themselves out! That is horrible they do not deserve children, good luck x

clearingout

Newly_retired wrote: »

I think that is unfair. The OP has a good job and is right to want to support herself and her child.

Inclined to agree. It is a very difficult balance for some households where there are two parents who co-operate. Difficult for two separate households where parents co-operate and virtually impossible when no one will co-operate! The OP has put in place arrangements to care for her child which is, of course, acceptable. No one is suggesting she should stop working, go on benefits etc. just because her relationship has broken down. What I am questioning is if the situation for the niece and nephew is as horrible as she is describing, why hasn't the family stepped in before now? Why report to Social Services now and not before? Why is it only an issue when the the OP's child might be staying within that household?

OP - essentially, do you trust your husband with your toddler? has he generally looked after her in a satisfactory way? do you believe he will maintain routines (give or take), feed her regularly, put her down to sleep at a reasonable hour, make sure she has toys to play with and warm clothing on her back? would the answer to those questions be different if he wasn't staying in that particular household? There is a lot to consider here and I still maintain that the only way forward is to see legal advice so that all these children get the care they deserve.

sofietrouble

Thank you so much for all your replies. I should make a few points clear, that I didn't in my first post.

The initial time that we visited, that I saw the state of the parents, the house and how the children were being cared for, I was so horrified I tried to talk to the parents and tell them they had to make some changes... As you can imagine, this didn't go down well, causing the most huge fight, between me and them, and also between me and my husband, who was mortified by his family's behaviour, and furious with me for making big deal of it. It didn't help that the pair were so drunk and stoned they were in no condition to discuss anything sensibly, and finally, my husband and I left ( with our v y3oung baby) and check into a hotel rather than stay with them for the weekend as we had planned to do. back home, the fight continued with my husband, who to be honest seemed more angry with me than his brother and sister I law, I said I wanted to report them and he said it was none of my business, and he would leave me if I did. I said I would never return to the place or have anything to do with them ever again, and we left it at that. my husband saw them occasionally, but I never did, and because of my husband, I never did anything about it.

Before we broke up, my husband was a full time stay at home dad. he was the perfect father, I cannot fault any part of his caring for our little girl. He cooked her three meals from scratch each day, the house was immaculate and she was always well dressed, he would take her to the pool at his gym and the park etc. I haven't got a single bad word to say about him in that respect. I trust him 100% with her. He has only just found himself a job near to where his brother lives, they live 2 hours drive from me. I am not entitled to any benefits, because I inherited a property abroad that my family would be devastated if I sold, so quitting my job is not an option, and my husband can only afford to give me £250 a month for our daughter, for which I am grateful, but it costs £1000 per month for me and my daughter to live as we do now, so I have to work, there is no choice about it. I would love to be a full time stay at home mum, on benefits until my daughter starts school, but I am not entitled to them and won't commit fraud, as I wouldn't be of any use to my little girl if I was in prison.

I had a very good conversation with my ex husband today and asked him if he really honestly and sincerely felt absolutely ok about leaving our little girl with his brother and SIL while he was at work, and he admitted that he did not feel ok about it, but he missed our little girl so much he was resorting to desperate measures. I could understand this, and instead said that he needs to concentrate on moving out of their place and sorting himself out his own place where he can have her to stay whenever he likes.

He's a reasonable person, we get along fine and it isn't a bitter split. We both feel sad and disappointed it hasn't worked out, but we've had some extreme pressure and problems. I want our little girl to see her dad as much as possible, it is hard for her now as before it was him who looked after her all the time I was at work and now she only sees him once a week.

I am racked with guilt for not reporting the couple after seeing how they lived, I should have done what I thought and to hell if my husband is angry with me.
I have offered to him to bring our daughter so see him at their house on our next days off, while we are both there, and if I find the situation unchanged and the children still hungry and house still filthy, then I will report them ASAP.

clearingout

well, I guess that puts it into context! I am glad your husband agrees with you. Now you'll be able to move this forward and do what is right for your daughter. These things are rarely what they seem. I hope it all works out for you.

Spirit_2

Any possibility of negotiating a more flexible working pattern so that you and your ex can organize a joint working pattern that enables him to have some time with your daughter and reduces his desire to take risks with her care?

Darlyd

sofietrouble wrote: »

Thank you so much for all your replies. I should make a few points clear, that I didn't in my first post.

The initial time that we visited, that I saw the state of the parents, the house and how the children were being cared for, I was so horrified I tried to talk to the parents and tell them they had to make some changes... As you can imagine, this didn't go down well, causing the most huge fight, between me and them, and also between me and my husband, who was mortified by his family's behaviour, and furious with me for making big deal of it. It didn't help that the pair were so drunk and stoned they were in no condition to discuss anything sensibly, and finally, my husband and I left ( with our v y3oung baby) and check into a hotel rather than stay with them for the weekend as we had planned to do. back home, the fight continued with my husband, who to be honest seemed more angry with me than his brother and sister I law, I said I wanted to report them and he said it was none of my business, and he would leave me if I did. I said I would never return to the place or have anything to do with them ever again, and we left it at that. my husband saw them occasionally, but I never did, and because of my husband, I never did anything about it.

Before we broke up, my husband was a full time stay at home dad. he was the perfect father, I cannot fault any part of his caring for our little girl. He cooked her three meals from scratch each day, the house was immaculate and she was always well dressed, he would take her to the pool at his gym and the park etc. I haven't got a single bad word to say about him in that respect. I trust him 100% with her. He has only just found himself a job near to where his brother lives, they live 2 hours drive from me. I am not entitled to any benefits, because I inherited a property abroad that my family would be devastated if I sold, so quitting my job is not an option, and my husband can only afford to give me £250 a month for our daughter, for which I am grateful, but it costs £1000 per month for me and my daughter to live as we do now, so I have to work, there is no choice about it. I would love to be a full time stay at home mum, on benefits until my daughter starts school, but I am not entitled to them and won't commit fraud, as I wouldn't be of any use to my little girl if I was in prison.

I had a very good conversation with my ex husband today and asked him if he really honestly and sincerely felt absolutely ok about leaving our little girl with his brother and SIL while he was at work, and he admitted that he did not feel ok about it, but he missed our little girl so much he was resorting to desperate measures. I could understand this, and instead said that he needs to concentrate on moving out of their place and sorting himself out his own place where he can have her to stay whenever he likes.

He's a reasonable person, we get along fine and it isn't a bitter split. We both feel sad and disappointed it hasn't worked out, but we've had some extreme pressure and problems. I want our little girl to see her dad as much as possible, it is hard for her now as before it was him who looked after her all the time I was at work and now she only sees him once a week.

I am racked with guilt for not reporting the couple after seeing how they lived, I should have done what I thought and to hell if my husband is angry with me.
I have offered to him to bring our daughter so see him at their house on our next days off, while we are both there, and if I find the situation unchanged and the children still hungry and house still filthy, then I will report them ASAP.

OK all good and well, But could he possibly forewarn them? Am sorry but I would not be convinced. I could never leave my kids with anyone like that.

I used to know someone who was on drugs, both of them was, and out came a beautiful little girl, I was at theirs one day keeping an eye (they lived few flats away from me) and there were needles all over the table, hash/dope/weed all over the place, cat p and poo all over the floor, spilled ash trays, rot, mould, it was absolutely minging. I took the baby, they didn't even notice till the next day, and they asked me to look after her until they could sort themselves out. (How ss did not take baby into care I do not know, as they were known). SS came to visit me and said all was OK. I looked after her for a few months 24/7, and they were then off the hard drugs, I gave her back reluctantly . I popped in daily then I became ill with morning sickness and was to ill to leave, and moved home during this time, well 5 weeks or so later, baby died, apparently cot death.

History repeated itself near enough they went on to have another baby girl, but luckily the baby is now 11 and very healthy.

Moral of the story is trust you instincts, and do what YOU feel is right. its your child, your flesh and blood, you NEED to protect her.

Make it clear to Dad that nanny will be hired for now, until he can get a place sorted, and when he is working when he has her to stay, then child care/nursery/nanny for his area too. I just would not take the risk. turns my stomach just reading it..



Sorry for waffling, but the above came flooding back to me. I needed to share.

sofietrouble

darlyd wrote: »

I used to know someone who was on drugs, both of them was, and out came a beautiful little girl, I was at theirs one day keeping an eye (they lived few flats away from me) and there were needles all over the table, hash/dope/weed all over the place, cat p and poo all over the floor, spilled ash trays, rot, mould, it was absolutely minging.

Thank you for you story... So sad. I understand now the reasons why you said what you did. But I can say that their house was not as bad as that. I'm not a drugs expert, but they were only smoking drugs, not injecting anything. It was bad and filthy, but no animal mess or anything.

I told my husband I will bring our little girl to him this Sunday, so I can check the place out. I don't think my husband will ever be able to afford any childcare at his end, so hopefully he will be able to have 2 days a week off in future and have her over then when he has sorted his own place .

We've both agreed that our daughter's well being will be our top priority, and I won't hesitate to remind him of this if I think he's putting his needs before hers, as I am sure he will do the same for me.