Worried about baby staying in dangerous house

sofietrouble

I'd really like some advice on my situation. My husband and I separated last month and he went to live with his brother and his wife. Our 18 month old daughter lives with me in my rented home. As I work away often I have hired a nanny, with my husband's knowledge, so that I can keep my job.

My husband now wants my daughter to stay with him sometimes when I am away with work, and to leave her with his brother and/or his wife while he is working.

I don't like his brother, and much less his wife, who boasted about taking drugs while pregnant, saying it didn't affect her daughter at all (though the little girl was over 2 years old before she took her first steps). I have not visited them in over a year, but the last time I did, they were smoking drugs, got very drunk, and had no food in the house and their children (age 5 and 7) were crying because they were starving. I only ever saw them eat bread and once they made the children fried eggs. Their house is filthy, I could not find one single cleaning product in the whole house, the little boy told me his dad had chased rats out of the house.

My husband has not assured me that the situation has changed there, apart from telling me they don't take drugs any more, and I really don't want our daughter setting foot in that house let alone being left alone in these people's 'care'. But I don't want to stop her from seeing her dad.
He visits once a week on his day off, but says it's not enough.

I showed him all of the nanny's credentials before hiring her, but have had no similar reassurances from him about his brother and sister in law.

Without going there myself, is there any way of finding out if I can leave our baby in that house with those people without worrying that I have made a terrible mistake?

My ex and I are getting on well despite the split but I feel that this could cause a major disagreement between us.

Any ideas?

pigpen

Say no!??

How is he seeing the children if he is out at work leaving them with his addled brother and SIL?

if the house is dirty and has rats and they take drugs there and the children are unfed.. how do you know they would feed your daughter?.. Id be ringing social services about the welfare of their own children and the thought my own would go there would simply not cross my mind because it wouldnt be happening!

Money_maker

Why can't you go there yourself? This would be the best option and you could give short notice so you could pop in at any time. How could you leave your child with these people without checking it out?

On the other hand, if all is well there then staying with family must be preferable to having a nanny.

You and ex need to sit down and sort out the best solutions for your daughter together.

Darlyd

I could not give a flying hoof about my ex's feelings, if it puts your little one in danger. Hell noooooo. I would rather quit my job than do that.

what would you do if Ex took your little one from the nanny, has he has rights too?

Have the SS been called in about your ex's brother? That is disgusting, those poor kiddies..

Mrs.W_2

Would it be possible to visit your brother-in-law's house on short notice? As your ex is suggesting their house as an environment in which your daughter spends time, it is a completely reasonable request.

Should the state of their house resemble what you've previously experienced, call social services for the sakes of BIL and SIL's children! It might be that they are already known to ss.

Your ex will not want to hear what has to be said about his relations. But it looks as if that'll be an unavoidable conversation. Sorry.

Owain_Moneysaver

I suspect that leopards don't change their spots and however immaculate the house may be this week, if the brother/wife have any financial or emotional upsets the situation could deteriorate again very quickly, without you knowing about it.

If dad wants to see the child more often then he needs to get himself somewhere decent to live.

Staying with family is NOT always preferable to having a nanny. Staying in mummy's nice house with mummy's nice nanny looking after you vs having to go to someone else's house with daddy's strange brother and his wife and two older children being disruptive may be more unsettling than the nanny.

Getting the Social Services involved with your brother's family may be the strongest ammunition you have in any legal battle over your ex getting access on his terms.

sue261

I have some experiance of your dillema and without giving details please say no to your ex and keep your child away from this house they do need reporting even if its a precaution and it can be done without you giving your name.

*Louise*

I wouldn't even think twice about it! No chance.


You say he comes over to your home to see his DD every week - would you trust him to be in your house to look after her while you were at work? (ie. how amicable are things?)

I would also advise on 'dropping in' to see your ex. Not to see if it's ok to let your DD go there...but to check if the conditions were still as awful for the other children and then phoning social services.

rachbc

is the obvious solution not for the nanny to continue to care for your child whilst ex works (even possibly at ex's home) but for him have her in the eve/ overnight when he's not working. Putting all he other stuff about BIL aside it gives your daughter continuity too

flutterby_lil

No no no no no no and no.

I think like others have said, if you believe it to be so bad, social services need to know, those poor children who live there already are already suffering. This cannot go on. If something happened to their children I am sure you would feel some sense of guilt knowing the house was in dire disrepair.

Report it and keep your daughter away.

clearingout

you need legal advice. your daughter has a right to a relationship with her father and at some level, you are responsible for making that happen if she is with you the majority of the time. I agree that the house he is living in seems unsuitable so I would take legal advice before making a call to social services as you need to play this one very carefully - the courts are on the side of both parents having a decent relationship with their children, a family life, overnight stays. If you let your daughter stay there just once, you are essentially saying it's OK so you can't do that for now. And frankly, I would worry about the implications of having known all this about the family but never having reported them before - you now look like a vindictive ex rather than someone who is concerned about the welfare of the children. Yes, you can make an anonymous report but....well, it's pretty common for reports of this nature to be made when relationships breakdown.

If you refuse overnight contact and put the issue in the hands of the court, CAFCASS would at least make a home visit and then make some recommendations for the judge involved. This might be your best bet - as they would also speak with Social Services if they consider what they find to be unacceptable. In that sense, it would be out of your hands. The real issue for you is what are you going to do if Social Services and CAFCASS consider this home appropriate?

There are more questions than answers there! I wouldn't do anything at all until you have spoken with a solicitor.