He doesn't want to marry me anymore

Eton_Rifle

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Perhaps he doesn't want to get married full stop and has been avoiding the whole issue by falling back on something he's been doing for 10 years?

There seems to be a lot of focus on the whole marriage thing and ultimately, marriage is irrelevant. You can be with someone for life without a piece of paper and a white dress.

I absolutely agree with the rest of your post (fixing the relationship rather than putting too much focus on the wedding) but to dismiss marriage out of hand is either misguided or short-sighted/self-centred.

Marriage most definitely is relevant if you ever find yourself in need of the legal status it confers.

Starrystarrynight

From what you say, OP, it sounds like you are accepting too much of the blame for the problems in your relationship. You've given your partner ample opportunity to air his views and feelings, but he just keeps on gaming and yet blames you for everything!

make_me_wise

Faerie wrote: »

I booked 3 nights away last month and during the 2nd night we watched an old TV programme about problems in relationships. I asked him whether he thought we had enough sex and did we have any other problems. After ages of him denying it he admitted when I said that I wasn’t happy that he didn’t want to marry me right now because the lack of sex making him feel unwanted. When I asked him why he had never brought it up before during our (my) many discussions he said that he hoped I would want more sex if I became more confident in myself so never mentioned it incase it knocked my confidence. He admitted he would have gone along with marrying me to make me happy! He now realises how stupid that would have been and that he needs to tell me how he feels, that I’m not a mind reader.

After many hours of talking we’ve agreed to try to work on our issues. I suggested that if we’re still not happy then we’re better splitting before we hate each other. That neither of us deserve to be unhappy, and that an unhappy marriage would be terrible. I feel like he’s with me out of habit, we’re like best friends not engaged to be married. I know he loves me, I’m just not sure he’s in love with me. I’ve given my engagement ring back to him and told him to give it back to me when he’s ready. He’s agreed to open up more, and try to make me feel wanted. He’s stopped his game subsription so he’s only got 6 more months to play and he is trying to cut down the hours online. We’ve had sex once since we got back but I feel pressured into doing it more. He can’t understand why I still get upset about it all, why I can’t just jump in to bed with him and it’ll all be ok.

Although I had my doubts for months he would deny any problems. I feel gutted, like I’ve been dumped. I haven’t told anyone else what happened whilst we were away and as far as I know he hasn’t either. How can I move on from this? I don’t know how to get over my own mood to give the relationship a chance. Any input from an outsider would be great.

No sensible person goes along with marrying someone just to keep them happy. You marry someone because you cant imagine your life without them and you want to share all lifes ups and downs with them. That involves lots of communication, working through things as a team, taking an interest in each other, and loads of compromise. In a happy, healthy relationship sex isn't something that becomes a big issue it is just an extension of spending time together and expressing how you both feel.

I feel for you. No one should have to be almost dragging someone down the aisle, which is what appeared to be happening when you were trying to excitedly make plans and he was barely able to show any interest. That reaction from him would definately have sent alarm bells ringing for me.

Being with the right person means that you wouldn't be analysing your relationship like this. You wouldn't be questioning your feelings and his. You know the two of you best but if I were in a relationship like this I would consider it had run its course and call an end to it.

pupsicola

Faerie wrote: »

In the past I have even tried to 'get started without him' lol but sometimes I just get ignored! He was in the middle of a big raid apparently on his game so couldn't just stop. Huh?! He will want me later but by that time I feel massively snubbed and would rather just go to sleep.

That is so disrespectful to you hun. You do realise that if you marry this guy you are settling for a 2nd rate sex life for the rest of your life. None of it your fault either. Are you really so keen to be his wife, considering this?

Faerie

Marriage isn't everything to me, it is important yes but I wouldn't go in to a marriage with doubts, hence our engagement is off. I gave him the ring back, we aren't getting married. I am trying to sell the dress (Dolly Couture if anyone wants it! lol) despite him telling me to keep it, he says that we will marry when we have sorted things out. I say 'if' we marry, whereas he says 'when' we marry.

Welshwoofs, if you looked at my previous posts, you'd see that we weren't planning a huge wedding, I just wanted to marry him. Reading back through my old posts, I can see that nothing ever moved forward, nothing was booked... I asked him directly several times that I thought he didn't want to marry me but he had always brushed away my concerns and would tell me that I was being silly. I always ignored my instincts and thought it was just me. I know now how stupid that was but if he never told me how he was feeling how was I to know?

I really want to work at the relationship, then if it still doesn't work or he doesn't change then at least I can say I tried. He's my best friend and I would hate to lose him but I can't keep on the way I have been doing. Moving back home isn't an option, I live in a different city to my family. Besides I haven't told anyone all this. I've not been home in a while, I think if I saw my mum she would guess something was wrong and she has an way of getting information out of anyone! I don't want to worry her or to hate him. We live in a rented 1 bed flat so sleeping apart isn't possible either. I guess the opposite shifts that I thought were a problem might be the best thing for us at the minute! He's just set off to his night shift as I type. I do think I need to be more independent though, then at least if things don't work out it wouldn't be terrible for me. I think he's scared too, he knows he can lose me and I don't think he knows what to do.

Any other ideas to strengthen the relationship? Do I need to insist that he quits the game altogether?! We have a week off soon, does anyone have any MSE ideas to make us closer?

Tish_P

Maybe try an internet free week? If you had the cash I'd suggest going away somewhere without internet access, and spending time together in the sunlight. Night shifts can be terrible for people's mental health.

I hope things work out for you whatever happens. Do you think he might agree to try counselling?

j.e.j.

Hi Faerie, yes suggest he has a 2-week break from the game (for example). See what he says. His online friends would surely be o.k. with him being away for a week or two, and you never know, once he's out of the habit he might start to make more friends or enjoy life in the 'real world' lol.

Faerie

I feel much better already, knowing that it's not me just being silly and that it is actually a big problem. I'm glad I posted and wish I did it weeks ago. I feel relieved I guess. Thank you!

Steel_2

It's absolutely not acceptable for him to blame a dwindling sex life on you.

Not when he's gaming until 3-4am and has knocked you back when you've initiated because he's in the middle of gaming.

I would think very carefully about marrying this person full stop, best friend or not.

What will you do if he stops gaming for a while, then you get married and he starts again thinking he's safe and the pressure is off?

belfastgirl23

It's a chicken and egg thing really, you're rejecting him because he's gaming, he's rejecting you because he's gaming or indeed he might even feel that he's gaming because you're rejecting him. Either way the gaming is a really big issue. It sounds to me like he has now acknowledged that it's a big issue but he's not at a stage of doing anything about it. You're trying to inject some stakes into it by cancelling the wedding but that's not enough. Honestly I think you're going to have to threaten to leave him (and mean it) before he makes his decision. And it is a decision. His gaming is an addiction, it's that simple. And by not acknowledging this to him, you're kind of enabling him to pretend it isn't - however inadvertently.

I think suggesting going away for an internet free week is a great idea. You can spend time together, ideally in a non-pressured environment and see how you feel about each other. TBH in your shoes I would make this a precondition of any chance of staying together. If he can't manage to make a commitment to go somewhere together for a week then he's not prepared to do anything about his addiction at the minute. And you need to decide whether you are willing to continue living with this. As an aside, I would suggest going somewhere where there's an opportunity for lots of exercise (even long walks), fresh air and headspace, like a beach. Sometimes it's easier to talk when your body is occupied with something else and you don't have to look at each other.

On the s*x thing though, if you do go away, I think you need to make a strong and conscious effort to put the past behind. With something like this, sometimes you have to just jump in at the deep end and trust that the magic will work its thing and that you will get into the mood. If you find that you really really can't get into the mood despite making efforts over a few weeks, then there's something else wrong. I know not everyone will agree with this, but I sense in your post that you do still love your BF and he loves you. If I'm wrong about this then ignore this advice.

Good luck!