He doesn't want to marry me anymore

Faerie

I have been with my OH for nearly 5 years, living together for 4 of them. We met as students so have kind of grown up together. He proposed 18 months ago and I couldn’t wait to be his wife. We’re very similar people, however he is much more laid back, almost bordering on lazy. So I wasn’t surprized when he wasn’t interested in planning the wedding. I asked if was happy for me to plan but he insisted he wanted us to plan together. Whenever the wedding was brought up he glossed over the subject giving little opinion or ideas. I asked time and time again why he wasn’t interested, did he still want to marry me? The answer was always something like, “Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Don’t be silly!” He even suggested I buy my dress when we saw it on offer. That was back in January... We looked venues on the internet and had devised a guest list. Then it fizzled out again, he’d gone back to not being bothered.

We work mostly opposite shifts at 12 hours a day, our sex life declined which I thought was understandable with us (me!) being tired or at work. He is addicted to an online game, he knows it and kept suggesting to cut down. He can stay up til 3, 4am playing then come to bed. The computer is in our bedroom so I know he’s on the game, not messaging other people etc. Whilst he’s on the computer, I would be in bed for 3 hours or so on my own. I know i shouldn’t have done but in the past I’ve looked at his internet history an checked his emails. He is not or has not had an affair. We hold hands, hug, say “I love you” all the time. I knew he loved me, he just didn’t make me feel wanted, desired etc. I couldn’t put my finger on the problem. Whenever we had heart to hearts he would always deny there was a problem in our relationship, I felt like it was just me with the issues.

I booked 3 nights away last month and during the 2nd night we watched an old TV programme about problems in relationships. I asked him whether he thought we had enough sex and did we have any other problems. After ages of him denying it he admitted when I said that I wasn’t happy that he didn’t want to marry me right now because the lack of sex making him feel unwanted. When I asked him why he had never brought it up before during our (my) many discussions he said that he hoped I would want more sex if I became more confident in myself so never mentioned it incase it knocked my confidence. He admitted he would have gone along with marrying me to make me happy! He now realises how stupid that would have been and that he needs to tell me how he feels, that I’m not a mind reader.

After many hours of talking we’ve agreed to try to work on our issues. I suggested that if we’re still not happy then we’re better splitting before we hate each other. That neither of us deserve to be unhappy, and that an unhappy marriage would be terrible. I feel like he’s with me out of habit, we’re like best friends not engaged to be married. I know he loves me, I’m just not sure he’s in love with me. I’ve given my engagement ring back to him and told him to give it back to me when he’s ready. He’s agreed to open up more, and try to make me feel wanted. He’s stopped his game subsription so he’s only got 6 more months to play and he is trying to cut down the hours online. We’ve had sex once since we got back but I feel pressured into doing it more. He can’t understand why I still get upset about it all, why I can’t just jump in to bed with him and it’ll all be ok.

Although I had my doubts for months he would deny any problems. I feel gutted, like I’ve been dumped. I haven’t told anyone else what happened whilst we were away and as far as I know he hasn’t either. How can I move on from this? I don’t know how to get over my own mood to give the relationship a chance. Any input from an outsider would be great.

Tish_P

Just wanted to say something supportive - hope it all works out. At least you are now talking openly about things. What do you think of the idea of seeing a therapist? Maybe even a sex therapist if that is the basis of the problems? And you sound like you're both utterly exhausted. Can either or both of you find a way to work shorter hours?

elvis86

He sounds like a right loser! Seize the opportunity and get rid!

"He's going to try and cut down on his online gaming.."

There is absolutely no way that I would tolerate lying in bed alone until 3am whilst OH sat huddled over the computer in the corner playing soldiers! Especially when, by your own admission, you're both "too tired" for sex etc.:eek:

You both work 12 hours a day, and yet he sees fit to spend hours of his free time playing computer games? Where do you fit in when it comes to his priorities?:(

Gigglepig

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

I think your OH was trying to be considerate by not pushing you to have more s*x.

If he didn't tell you about his doubts it could be because he loves you and don't want to upset you, and/or that he prefers to avoid conflicts and/or that he doesn't like 'talking about feelings'. Or a mix? Now that he has told you, you feel down, so perhaps that was what he tried to avoid, which means that he does care about your feelings.

What about looking into how you (as a team) can change your working patterns so that you won't be tired/stressed, and have more time to see each other.

If that is not possible, see if there are times during the day when stress levels/tiredness is at a minimum, and see if you can spend some quality time together then. It doesn't have to be about s*x, but warmth and intimacy, for example have a nice shower together in the morning or bath at night?

If my partner was playing online games for 3 hrs each night while I was in bed I would probably make me feel a bit rejected. Perhaps you both have similar feelings? Perhaps make it clear to him that you'd like him to be in bed with you rather than play the game - or, if he is sitting in the same room as you get started without him, that should get him in bed fairly soon - ;-)

elvis86

Gigglepig wrote: »

If my partner was playing online games for 3 hrs each night while I was in bed I would probably make me feel a bit rejected. Perhaps you both have similar feelings? Perhaps make it clear to him that you'd like him to be in bed with you rather than play the game - or, if he is sitting in the same room as you get started without him, that should get him in bed fairly soon - ;-)

Perhaps that's not the best advice? If he really is addicted to this online game, he still might not be interested. Imagine how rejected the OP would feel then, sat there making come-to-bed eyes, legs akimbo having a little play with herself, OH looks around and sees her...and promptly returns to playing on his computer.:(

Lotus-eater

Well he's addicted to the online game. 6 months isn't an option I'm afraid, it will have to be sorted by then.

He is making you feel rejected by being up all night on the pc playing a game rather than coming to bed with you. I'm not surprised you don't have sex very often, you never go to bed together and you don't feel close to him, so why would you want sex, or have any desire.

Alot of men don't realise than women get turned on in their head and by warmth and love, little things, not just jumping into bed and flicking a switch.

I think you really need to explain that he has to choose, either live with you or the game, or he needs to cut down radically, but I don't think he will be happy doing that.

Tish_P

My beloved was on warcrack or something similar a few years back. He had to quit cold turkey after he realised he was on it 8 to 10 hours a day for a month. It was horrible!

pinkshoes

So he wants you to have sex with him more, but isn't willing to stop playing online games?? Well that hardly sounds like working at the relationship does it?!

I'd perhaps suggest having some time apart for a month, so you can both get back to being yourselves, and see if you miss each other. Start going out on dates, spending some time outside the house together, picnics in the park etc...

Relationships are hard work, and require constant hard work to keep them alive.

elvis86

Firstly, I don't understand how anyone has the time, do these people not have social lives?

Secondly, I can't comprehend why a partner would tolerate it? There's no way my OH would ignore me night after night in favour of a computer game, I'd pull the plug out the first time and cut it off the second!:D I get infuriated enough when he has to do work in the evenings, but at least that earns him a living!

Faerie

Thanks for your quick replies!

No, it's not warcraft it's Anarchy Online. He's been playing for 10 years, he says the majority of his online friends live in the US which is why he stays up late to do things with them. I'm happy for him to stay a member so long as he can have a normal life at the same time. I like playing on the computer too but I will only spend an hour or 2 max. He will even read the game forum on his iphone whilst in bed! He's not renewing his online subscription but that runs out in April next year, and even then he can still play most the site as a free member. I'm not convinced he'll be able to quit.

Gigglepig, I think you're right in saying he didn't want to upset me. He looks heartbroken when I get upset but I just wish he had the balls to say it months ago instead of letting me plan the wedding and buy my dress. I'm trying to sell the dress at the minute but he wants me to keep it for when we do get married. This is where he confuses me further. He said yesterday that he thinks we're still engaged as he wants to marry me 'eventually' he says he wants to sort our problems out and then get married. I told him that in my mind, him saying he doesn't want to marry me yet and talking about splitting up, and me giving the ring back means we're no longer engaged. I know he loves me, I love him but I'm so confused right now. I feel like the one person I thought I could rely on was lying the whole time.

In the past I have even tried to 'get started without him' lol but sometimes I just get ignored! He was in the middle of a big raid apparently on his game so couldn't just stop. Huh?! He will want me later but by that time I feel massively snubbed and would rather just go to sleep.

I've told him that I need to get on with my life, go out with friends, go shopping, go visit my family instead of waiting for him to wake up because he's spent all night on the computer. I know it's not all his fault though and I need to make him feel wanted too, I need to initiate sex more etc. I need to work on my confidence, loose weight for myself, force myself out of my comfort zone but at the minute I just feel so down and don't want to pretend that everything is ok.

Lotus-eater

He's choosing his game over you. I would say to him, I'm here at the moment, but I need a life, so I'm going to go and live it. If you want to choose me over the game, then you know where I am. Then move into your Mums.
He will have to make his choice. But with you just hanging around, he gets the best of both worlds, but you always come 2nd of course.