DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

DreamerHelen

Hi Everyone....

Mara....Yeah, Hayfever is really miserable...especially this Year...it wasn't as bad last Year....But I'm really really suffering and it's just horrible....Definitely good job that you don't have it or you would really suffer living on a Farm!!

I'm feeling really down today....Have already hit my Target for the Week though so I can afford to take it a bit easier tonight....But I've been having Nightmares about the rape and it's just horrible....I know it's my Unconscious trying to Work things through but it's still horrible....and has left me feeling really down about things....

I know I just have to pick myself up and do what I can to survive....but it's hard sometimes....

Tomorrow should be nice though....I've got a Friend coming round for something to eat....I told him I wasn't going to London in this Weather...so he's coming to me which will be nice....

Anyway...that's me....I'll get there....

Upsidedown_Bear

Now there's no pressure and you're met it - what was this weeks target?

DreamerHelen

Upsidedown_Bear wrote: »

Now there's no pressure and you're met it - what was this weeks target?

Well now that would be telling...LoL....

Seriously though....I'm keeping my Targets to myself....because they are going up and down and I don't want to people to say "Oh but last Week you did this and this Week you've done this"....

But I'm quite pleased at getting what I want for this Week....even with the Hayfever causing me problems....

This Week coming I want to get even more....so I'm going to do that....

I know it might seem like I am hiding things and maybe i am....But I don't want to be criticised or held up to a microscope...this Diary is for ME and for ME to be able to talk a bit about where I am at...if that makes sense....So that's how I'm using it....

Upsidedown_Bear

DreamerHelen wrote: »

Well now that would be telling...LoL....

Seriously though....I'm keeping my Targets to myself....because they are going up and down and I don't want to people to say "Oh but last Week you did this and this Week you've done this"....

But I'm quite pleased at getting what I want for this Week....even with the Hayfever causing me problems....

This Week coming I want to get even more....so I'm going to do that....

I know it might seem like I am hiding things and maybe i am....But I don't want to be criticised or held up to a microscope...this Diary is for ME and for ME to be able to talk a bit about where I am at...if that makes sense....So that's how I'm using it....

Yes, it would be telling.

It seems to me you want it both ways. Expect people to say "Well done" to you for meeting a target but refuse to say what the target was. Could have been 5 hours work or 50. Or eating 3 pizzas for all I (and anyone else who reads) knows.

You have been on MSE long enough to know that people are supportive whether things are going well or you've messed up or are having a hard time.
People have been endlessly supportive of you on here so saying you don't want to be criticised is insulting to those people who have spent time and effort over a number of years trying to help you achieve your goals.

If the diary is just for you that's fine but don't expect people to respond with encouragement when they don't know what they are encouraging.

DreamerHelen

I guess that's fair enough Upsidedown Bear....I hadn't thought of it that way....And I DO appreciate people's support....

I didn't make as much as I wanted to make this past Week but DID hit my Target which was quite small....I only had a few things to pay this Week....

Actually the main reason I didn't want to post my Target was because it was so small this Week....And I was frightened that people would jump all over me....

I made just over £60 this Week....which I know isn't a lot - But it's enough to keep me going this Week....Rent and other things aren't due for a couple of Weeks...

So I guess you could say I messed up again....I didn't make what I wanted to make and I was trying to make out that I was happy when I guess I wasn't....I was frightened because I HAVE messed up again this Week....

I wasn't very well....and that's not really an excuse...it just is what it is....

So let's see if people are supportive now Upsidedown Bear!! Now that I have laid it all bare....

PestoPasta

Helen, it's good that you have opened up re: your target. I have to say, I think £60 earnings to live in London is just impossible. Also, by earning so little in the past week, you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself as you will have to earn a lot more - probably - in the next two weeks to make up for it if your rent is due etc.

I am definitely still supporting you, but I do think that you need to earn a realistic amount of money each week. I think that you are making your life much much harder than you need to. You need to work out what you need to earn over the month, divide it by four, and then do all you can to stick to that target each week. It is your life and everyone on here is just cheering you along to try and make the most of it. I am giving you a cyber-space 'shake'! You can do better than this Helen.

Tell me what is your actual monetary target for today. And also how many hours you need to work to achieve it. Actually, scrap that! I am setting you my own target. I want you to earn £60 by Wednesday. There. I have said it. That is your target and I have set you a challenge! Please do not get stressed. Just think, OK, I am going to do this. Once you have done this - which is really only £20 each day - you can then build on that and spend the rest of the week building up your earnings.

Please please Helen listen to people on here. I think that there are a lof of very kind helpful people, who really really want to see your do well and 'fly'. You can do it. Please don't sabotage your own life.... Take care.

DreamerHelen

Thank You Pesto Pasta....I was sat here trembling because I thought people would just post how awful I am and how I've messed up over and over again....

I DO need something that is realistic and I'm striving to get to that place....Is not easy!!

I will take up that Challenge and earn £60 by Wednesday and I'll come back and tell you when I've done it....

crimson.addict

So you've made £60. Can you support yourself and pay what needs paying on that money? If the answers yes then well done If the answers no then don't let last week drag you down, it happened, forget about it and make sure you do better this week. You've been poorly, if you'd had the week off you'd have made a lot less than £60 so you're still improving.

I know you can't take anything for your hay fever but apparently putting vaseline around your nostrils helps to stop the pollen. There's no harm in trying right?

Helen, not everyone will always be supportive, even the best of friends get ticked off with you now and again, but there will always be someone cheering you on. If all you ever got was praise you'd never change, i think you need the odd harsh word now and again to keep you on track. That's not just aimed at you, its applicable to everyone.

Be happy missy, Upsidedown Bear just cares for you and wants to see you succeed x

Knit_Witch

I think PestoPasta has a good idea, also if you CAN earn more at the moment and salt some away then when college starts up again you have a bit of a buffer in hand.

DreamerHelen

Thank You Crimson Addict and Knit Witch...I really appreciate your Words....

I CAN survive on £60 this Week but not EVERY week!! I obviously need to earn a lot more than that most Weeks....This Week just happened to be a Week where I didn't need that much money and unfortunately I just went "Oh well" and aimed at that....when I should have been aiming much higher...

I know that people care....and I don't think I deserve that....But I appreciate it anyway....

I'll post daily how much I have earned each day and hopefully that will keep me Motivated to do well each Week...hope that's okay with everyone and that you won't get super-bored!!

I dont' mind the harsh words....I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be - I berate myself really badly....and then just feel bad....and then that makes me not want to Work and it just goes round and round in a spiral...

Hmmmm £20 per day...Why don't I just get started on that right now....I think I will....Starting at 11am (I like to start on the hour) I will log on and earn £20....that's my first start to this Week....

Thank you for not kicking me out of your lives everyone....