DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

Kepp

Hi again Helen, sorry its been many months since I posted on your diary

Lovely to see so many people on here caring about you and checking up on you

My advice, for what its worth and I know you probably know a lot of this anyway, but:

You need to know where you are with these debts, you need to list them and work this out, as scary as it can be. But then you will know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Have you considered a DMP? It could really give you some breathing space.

The council tax is a priority as you know. So you need a more definite plan than 'I need to try and work more'. Work out exactly how many hours you need to do and when you need to do them by. Then DO them. If you need quicker cash to keep the bailiffs away then have things you can sell? Would a friend or family member lend you the money? Anything to keep the bailiffs away! As has been said - they will take stuff and sell it for next to nothing, still leaving you with the debt. Better you sell it yourself before they turn up.

If it gets to the stage where you cannot pay on time, then take expensive items to someone else's house so that they cannot be removed from yours.

In the longer term - it would seem you need to change your job. You obviously don't enjoy it as you struggle to make yourself log-on. Discipline to work from home is hard too - I turn up at my day job and 2nd job as I have no choice, I was an out-an-out failure at AQA because doing something else always seemed more appealing!

Also, when you're struggling with depression then it's not the ideal job. Working unsocial hours isn't good for people's health and as you are working from home you are missing the social element of work which would really help you right now.

I think you also give yourself too many goals. A lot of your diary you have set yourself a long list of things to attain and then struggled as your spreading your time and energy to much. Work out what you want to achieve and then list them in order of priority. Then attack the first one and the first one only. When your putting all your time and energy into one thing you'll be amazed how fast you get there. Then you can move onto the next one feeling energised rather than deflated as you've failed to reach them all.

Sorry, I expect this post sounds really harsh and if I was saying this to you in person then it would be followed by a hug. But it seems like your floundering at the moment - please listen to the other posters. We all want you to be ok

Shovel_Lad

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

Honestly, We're not nagging Helen, We care about what happens to you. x

We do, me included.

I haven't commented on this diary before despite having read it for some time and this is why.
I find it very difficult to read something that is more or less "car crash TV".

When Helen posted what she did on 5 June about needing £500 in 2 weeks to prevent the bailiffs arriving I thought "She will next post that she will work 100 hours a week to get the money. She won't do it - endless excuses - and then with a couple of days to go she'll be posting how she has no money for the bailiffs, what does she do etc"

Why did I think that? Am I just being horrible?
No, I don't think I am.
I have read the exact same thing on this diary (and previous threads) numerous times. It's deja vu.

The people on MSE are in my experience a lovely, helpful bunch of people and have tried repeatedly to help Helen but it all seems to fall on deaf ears.
She doesn't actually want to do anything to change her life - just complain about how awful it is.
I am amazed that someone who is training to be a psychotherapist and who also has personal therapy has so little self awareness.

Helen - there is no "magic bullet" to make everything alright. You have to get off your backside and actually DO SOMETHING NOT JUST SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING.
We will support you in whatever way we can but I am not just going to only post "Aww, there there how terrible" posts because they achieve nothing.

I have, I hope, empathy and sympathy when it is needed but what is needed right now is action. Otherwise the people who will show none of the above (aka the bailiffs) will be taking away everything you own and charging you extortionate amounts for the privilege, leaving you with no possessions and still heavily in debt.

Please Helen - go and do something.

DreamerHelen

You are all absolutely right in what you say - Shovel Lad you especially.....I have sat on my backside for far too long and I know I need to do something....I just need to Work....

I don't expect any of you to support me any further....I haven't proved myself yet....all I can do is say that I WILL prove myself....you don't have to believe me....You just have to watch and see....

I know you all care about me....and I appreciate that....

I don't have "very little self-awareness"....I DO have self-awareness....but I think I set Goals that just aren't achievable....all I can do is be realistic in what I can achieve.

I spoke to the Council Tax People again this Afternoon and they say that I should just pay what I can and hopefully that will stop any further action....so that is what I have to do....

I will stop there...But I don't expect any further support....I know I have to earn it now....

Mara_uk7

Hey , You dont get rid of me THAT easily woman !

DreamerHelen

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

Hey , You dont get rid of me THAT easily woman !

Thank you hun.....I don't deserve you but thank you....

So, just going to have something to eat and then am going to Work from 4pm until 7pm.....and then Phone Mum as she's not well and then Work from 8pm until 8am (with loo breaks)....That should make a damn good start....

When I get paid next Week it will mostly go towards PayDay Loans - I want to get them mostly out of the way as they are due for Payment next Week and then it's Council Tax Debt all the way....

I WILL do this....

DreamerHelen

Well instead of moaning I've actually done something....

I paid £20 off my Council Tax Arrears....It means I only have £13 to last me until the end of the Week but that doesn't matter....I have food to last me and all that so I decided to at least make a start in paying it back.

I'm due a little bit of Tax Credits back (£50) on Thursday and £30 of it has been allocated already but that leaves another £20 that I can pay off my Council Tax Debt....

So that feels like I'm at least TRYING to sort it out....And I'm making sacrifices and that feels important....I'm not going to magically make this go away....I have to DO something....

I'm getting ready to log on at 4pm....until 7pm....and then taking an hour's break so that I can speak to Mum...and then Working all night (with loo breaks)....

I just have to remember what I'm doing this for....there WILL be little treats down the line but these debts need paying off first.

While I'm Working I will write out what Debts I owe and put them on here so you can all see where I'm at with my Debts.

I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself RIGHT NOW....and just do it.....You will only believe me when you see it for yourself...and maybe I will only believe in myself when I'm actually doing something productive....

PestoPasta

Well done Helen!!! Big cheer from here from the other side of London (can you hear me???).

Sounds like you might have finally had your 'light bulb moment' and wake-up call. I have been following your diary for weeks now, and actually worrying on your behalf about how you are going to pay for things. I think putting up a list of your debts and then how much you have earned to pay towards them will be a big start. Then we can all chivvy you along and throw advice when needed.

Please please don't think that people are not being supportive by being honest. I actually think that ShovelLad's comments have probably been the most useful that you have received. They are honest, direct, and tell it like it is. Most of us find this difficult to do. But it probably needed doing.

I am going to keep following your diary Helen, and chivvying you along. I think that you can definitely turn things around. But only by being honest with yourself.

When I was growing up we had very little money and were pretty poor (single parent family), but I worked hard, went to University, moved south, got a good job, worked even harder, got a flat, then even harder still, then a house in 'posh' area of South-West London. I am not telling you this to boast. Quite the opposite. I just want you to understand that we are all masters of our own destiny. Ok, so we may not have been dealt the best hand of cards, but we can turn things around and have great lives!!!

DreamerHelen

Right....Here are my List of Debts:

Capquest (Natwest) - £4800 - Paying Nothing
Arrow Global (HSBC) - £5900 - Paying Nothing
CDCS (Woolwich O/D) - £6200 - Paying Nothing
Bryan Carter + Co (Co-Op Bank) - £7800 - Paying Nothing

CCS Collect (Student Loan) - £220 - Paying £50 per week
Moorcroft (Orange) - £2150 - Paying £40 per week
Lowell (Simply Be + Fashion World) - £650 - Paying £40 per week

Wonga Loan - £600 - Paying £35 per week, ends August
QuickQuid - £340 - 2 Payments of £170 ends July
Next Credit - £140 - To Pay 28th June
Peachy Loan - £135 - To Pay End July

Council Tax Arrears - £875

---

So thats all of my Debts.....The top four I am not being hassled by, they seem to have forgotten me....but I will start paying them back once some of the others have been paid.

It's pretty sad reading....but I said no more feeling sorry for myself, so that's the way it's going to be...I'll get them all paid off sooner or later....It will be done....

I've logged on now....logged on at 4pm....will stay logged on until 7pm....

DreamerHelen

Thank You PestoPasta hun....You are right....I think that Shovel Lad's comments have been really honest and made me sit-up and take notice....And that's what was needed....

I know that I am the master of my own destiny....and only I can get myself out of this mess....It's only MY doing....

I think I have finally had my Light Bulb moment....This afternoon I was so ashamed of myself and I haven't felt that low in a long long time....And I know how good I felt when I made extra a couple of weeks ago....I just know that I need to do that EVERY week...not just one week!!!

PestoPasta

Helen, that's great. So from what you say, that will be £40 paid off the Council Tax bill by Friday? A good start. £13 is plenty for the week if you have food in. You could probably add another £5 or so to the Council Tax if you don't spend anything this week? See how it goes and best of luck. We are all rooting for you.