DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

robsmum_2

Glad you enjoyed Les Miserables and time with your friend. Also hope THE EXHIBITION was good. Looking forward to hearing about it.

DreamerHelen

Hi Everyone :wave:

I'm struggling a lot at the moment....I'll try and update...

I have to have two lots of sedation, an Ultrasound, a Gastroscopy (down the throat) and a Colonoscopy (up the bum!!) all in December...and I'm kind of feeling like I have nothing to look forward to at the moment...

"That Exhibition" on Saturday was good fun...Not as many Stalls or People as last Year but still good fun. But I was frustrated because I didn't have much money to spend....and I guess there's nothing I can do about that now....

I'm determined that next Year I'm going to save up for "That Exhibition", even at an extra £10 per Week so I can take plenty of money with me next November.

But that's next Year...Right now I'm just struggling to get through each day...

It's a strong possibility that I could have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease...otherwise known as Cirrhosis...but not from Alcohol, if I have it then it will be because I'm HUGELY overweight...so if I have it then it's MY fault...and I'M the reason that I'm so ill...and I'm not sure how to deal with that....or what to do about it.

I know that I need to lose weight...I just don't have the energy or the heart to do it right now...

Anyway...I'm off to Therapy this Afternoon....I'm looking forward to that but NOT looking forward to the Journey cause it takes an hour and a half all in all and that's a long way just for 50 minutes of a Session...but there you go...that's just the way it is!!

So that's me Updated...

Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

DreamerHelen

Well, it's Sunday....and I've made it through another Week....but it's NOT easy and it feels like I'm either sleeping, working or feeling ill....there doesn't feel like there is any fun in my Life...

I'm not sure what to do about that....

Even with Work....I'm really really struggling...Each Week I'm earning something ridiculous like £40 and I actually need to be earning like £600....and it's all my fault!! I'm just not working hard enough...

All I can do is just start a new Week tonight at Midnight....(that's when my Pay Period starts with Work)....but I just feel so guilty about everything right now....I owe people so much money....And it's money that I have no idea how to pay back...

And I have the Course next Year....which is ridiculously expensive but it will change the course of my Life if I can just stick with it!! It's so damn hard though...and I have no real idea how I'm going to pay for it...

Plus I have a National Insurance Payment due in January...and I have no idea how I'm going to pay that either.

I tried to do a REALISTIC Budget for the rest of this Year but there is so much to Pay that it's NOT realistic...it's RIDICULOUS!!! And I'm not sure i can continue at this pace...

I don't know what to do .... i just feel really helpless right now... I really do....

Today I'm going to try and sort my Flat out a bit....there is no point in working until Midnight because it's the last day of the Pay Period and today is when all those Ladies that haven't logged on during the Week log on today to make those last extra pennies...so it's going to be quiet...so I'm not going to Work until Midnight....so I could do some Cleaning instead...maybe that will make me feel better...

Sorry about the depressing post but that's how I feel right now...

robsmum_2

Hi Helen,
Hope you are ok as you haven't been on for a while. Hugs for you.

DreamerHelen

Thanks for thinking of me Robsmum... But no, I'm not really doing okay....struggling lots and lots and lots...

I think they have finally found out what's wrong with me - I think I have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease....In the absolute worst case scenario it could kill me....and it's MY fault....

Let me try and explain....this disease comes from years and years of abusing food....eating ridiculously fatty things....It's similar to what alcoholics get when they get cirrohisis of the liver...but this is from food...

I just feel so guilty that it's MY fault that I'm ill...I know it can be reversed by Diet but that doesn't make me feel any better....I still feel incredibly guilty...It's all my fault.

I have managed to find the money for next Year's Course....so that's one good thing....I got a loan from someone who wants to see me succeed...and yes I know that taking out a loan isn't a great idea but it's the only way to carry on Studying...and that's really important to me because it will change my Life...

I've only got this Weekend and then 2 more Paydays before Christmas....and this Week I have been ill with a bad cold...which hasn't been much fun...especially since it meant I couldn't work....So one of my Challenges for NEXT Year is going to be to save up a Week's wages in the Bank so that I can afford to be sick if I need to be...

I'll be posting up my List of Challenges for Next Year at some point before the New Year so keep an eye out for that!!

All in all I'm struggling and only just managing to keep most of my head above water....but only just...

Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

Buffythedebtslayer

DreamerHelen wrote: »

I know it can be reversed by Diet



I have managed to find the money for next Year's Course....so that's one good thing....I got a loan from someone who wants to see me succeed...



I'll be posting up my List of Challenges for Next Year at some point before the New Year so keep an eye out for that!!


just managing to keep most of my head above water....
Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

I couldn't read and run Helen.

Although it is scary to be ill it is so good that it can be cured by a change in diet. That is with in your grasp even tho it might seem an impossible task.

I have highlighted the positive bits of your post - I do admire in the midst of feeling crap you can do that(I can't!)

I recognise something in your recent posts, the blaming yourself thing, I do that too! And as much as I could type here it isn't true and don't be so hard on yourself (both of which I believe are true) I also think it is difficult to change something you so firmly believe. Lately I have been beating myself up over many things and however well meaning my friends are I still do it! it doesn't do us any good tho. what's done is done and all we can hope for is a better future, there are positives here Helen and you are not alone. Just hang on and keep posting
xxx

DreamerHelen

Thank you Buffy for not reading and running....I appreciate that...and I know there are some positives to focus on....But I find it really difficult sometimes to focus on them!!

Today I'm feeling sort of blaaah....not sure how else to describe it....

Work is going blaaaah.....money-saving is even more blaaah....

Things can only get better....I just have to keep on telling myself that!! But it's a real struggle....

I've only got two major things happening now....a Week ago it was 4 things...now it's just one more lot of dental work under sedation and then the colonoscopy/gastroscopy....so it's not so bad...and then I can focus on Christmas...

Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

DreamerHelen

Well I made it through another Week....now it's just two weeks until Christmas...and then nearly over for another Year...

This Year has gone sooooo slowly...it's unbelievable...usually my Year goes really fast and when I get to the end I can't believe it....but this Year has not been like that.

I'm still thinking about Challenges to Join for 2012...and things that I want to achieve for 2012...I'll post them ALL at some point in the next couple of Weeks....I need something to Work towards....It's really important to me!!

I'm starting to feel a little more positive...Not entirely but a little....and as I said I'll just be glad when this Year is O.V.E.R!!

Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

robsmum_2

Hi Helen,
Sorry you are feeling so blah. Hang in there it does get better - eventually.
Glad that they finally know what's wrong with you and hard as it seems it is reversable with diet.
Take it in tiny baby steps - change a bit of your diet at a time. Give that change a week or so and then add another change. You will sl owley see results and start to feel better. As you feel a tiny bit better everything else feels a bit better.

I will set you 2 challenges for 2012;
1) Be gentle to yourself. - Do 1 nice thing for yourself a day.
2) Work out what a weeks wages are, divide by 6 months, then divide by 24(weeks) and save the weekly amount. That gets you a weeks money. It works I did it.

Sorry if I am being bossy! Big hugs for you.

DreamerHelen

Thank you Robsmum...you're very sweet

I DO try and be gentle to myself but I'm not very good at it....especially at the moment because all I'm doing right now is beating myself up....

The Doctor's keep saying different things...one of them says I have a fatty liver and then another one says I have an under-active Thyroid...so I'm not sure really what's going on right now.

Had my Second lot of Dental Work yesterday which wasn't very nice....but I'm feeling much better today...so that's good.

Have my Colonoscopy/Gastroscopy next Wednesday and that's the last thing that I have to deal with this Year...and then I can start to look forward to Christmas!! :T

Feeling a little more positive this morning...let's hope it continues!!

Love and Hugs, Helen xxx