sob. MIL being really insensitive UPDATED

kacy1988

elvis86 wrote: »

I'm playing devil's advocate here, but who announced their plans to marry in 2012 first, you or your MIL? If she announced this first, and had already delayed things by a year so as not to tread on her step-daughter's toes, she could reasonably be a little narked if you and OH then waded in and announced that you would marry in 2012 too..?

Saying that, it does sound like she's being ridiculous, booking the same venue etc. It always amazes me how some people (especially family, and especially parents) can make life so difficult for each other. I guess I'm just lucky as my parents would never be so inconsiderate and would always put my happiness before their own, 100% (not that I would necessarily want them to). Isn't that what being a parent is about?

we announced our wedding first. after we had set a date & venue & sent save the dates they informed us they didnt get married this year as FIL daughter was getting married.
THEN they chose the friday after our wedding THEN booked "our" venue. :mad:

if they had told us before that they had intended on getting married august 2012 we would have got married at a different time of year (dependant on dates the maximum amount of my family can come) either earllier or later would have been fine even a months difference would have been ok!

this is MIL 2nd marriage - (OH's dad died 10 yrs ago) and FIL's 3rd marriage.

*Louise* wrote: »

Good idea, it's a shame that you are at the point where you have to keep everything a secret though, part of the fun is talking about your plans

Needs must though.

I still have my mum & BM & close friends to natter to. MIL is just going to be kept at arms length from now on

elvis86

kacy1988 wrote: »

we announced our wedding first. after we had set a date & venue & sent save the dates they informed us they didnt get married this year as FIL daughter was getting married.
THEN they chose the friday after our wedding THEN booked "our" venue. :mad:

if they had told us before that they had intended on getting married august 2012 we would have got married at a different time of year (dependant on dates the maximum amount of my family can come) either earllier or later would have been fine even a months difference would have been ok!

this is MIL 2nd marriage - (OH's dad died 10 yrs ago) and FIL's 3rd marriage.

In that case, she is being a grade-A B!TCH!!! From the sounds of her, she'll be impossible to reason with too, you poor thing.:(

I think you need to say something, does OH feel as aggrieved as you? I think you should try your best to be diplomatic (even though she doesn't derserve it!), calmly explain that perhaps she hasn't realised, but her plans have really upset you. Maybe concentrate more on the "feeling that your wedding will seem inadequate as you and OH don't have the kind of money to throw at it that she does", rather than the (perfectly valid) fury that you're feeling. Hopefully if she has a shred of decency she may appreciate your point of view and reconsider her own plans.

If she doesn't (I suspect from the sounds of her, she might not!), maybe grit your teeth and as nicely as you can, explain that you would be willing to make the generous offer to reschedule your wedding, if only you could afford the cost implications...Leave it a few seconds, a window for her to offer to pay. If she doesn't, ask her straight out, will she cough up whatever additional fees you incur, in order to avoid any ill-feeling and allow you to both enjoy your days.

You'd have to be a bigger person, but might be worth it in the long run!

aarchk

sounds like a right cow. I cant understand why the 'only one family wedding a year' rule though? Surely after her H2Bs daughters wedding they could have had theirs as well. I mean there is a huge difference between a weeks gap between two family weddings and say, six months. I got married in April and am off to SILs wedding this weekend. At the time she announced her date I was not worried about how close the weddings were together more that she would be having the same venues - currently same church, but a different barn for the reception because it would be 'silly' to have her reception in the same barn as us (her words not mine!). Also same florist but I had already primed the florist to suggest different flowers for her wedding.

I think you have to look at the essential differences between your two days. You will be a young and beautiful blushing bride, whereas she is an old baggins. I know which wedding I would rather go to!

kacy1988

~OH is going around tomorrow night to have words with her and TELL her to change venue as she's being out of order.

like me he's considering not going if she's going to be unreasonable. he has more balls than i thought!!

purple.sarah

Thank goodness he's standing up to her! She's being totally unreasonable, she doesn't want to get married the same year as her FH's daughter but doesn't mind getting married the same fortnight as her son?! If she won't see reason and change her date and you can't change yours just focus on the things which make your day different that money can't buy, try personalised vows and music and readings that are meaningful to the two of you to make your wedding memorable in other ways. I think people will see what she's doing, after all you announced your date first. She's only making herself look bad. And it's understandable that you won't be able to attend her wedding because obviously you'll be on your honeymoon! She knew that when she booked it.

purple.sarah

Ooh don't keep us in suspense, how did it go?

kacy1988

it's all sorted!! well kind of....

I have no idea how but we crossed wires some how and apparently she was never intending on using the same venue??? in fact she's having it in some pokey village down the road.

whilst I'm relieved I KNOW she said she was having it at the same venue as us and she's completely denying it - but whatever.

the down side: they arent moving their date and after reviewing our date & costs & problems it's not feesable to move our date (unfortunately). we havent decided yet whether we are going to honeymoon and miss their wedding and never hear the end of it. or just go away for a couple of nights and return on the thurs.

so it's half sorted & OH stood up for me and had words

ruthybabs

Mostly good news then. Glad OH stood up for you and she's not trying to take your wedding after all. I think she probably realised she'd look silly and the change of venue (imagined or not) is probably an attempt to save face.

Could you go away for a few days after your wedding, come back for hers and then fly off somewhere else for a week afterwards? that way you get 2 honeymoons, don't risk WWIII by missing her wedding and get the chance to spend the day showing off your wedding photos and generally talking about your lovely day!

RainbowDrops

Glad it's sorted (sort of).

Personally, I woud try to put this behind you & get on with enjoying your plans.
If it's any consolation, we had a good friend getting married the weekend after us (there was never any tention about the date though).

We decided to postpone our honeymoon for 2 weeks, although we had a 3 day "mini-moon" in the UK just after our wedding.
The plus point about being the first wedding is that you can relax at your MILs wedding, whereas your MIL is likely to be stressing abit about her wedding the week after yours.

I have to say postponing our honeymoon was good. I don't know when I would have found time to sort out final bits & bobs for the holiday on the final lead up to the wedding, and we were quite pooped after, so we wouldn't have been able to do all of the activities we had planned on our main honeymoon.
Also, another good thing about postponing it is that it helps the post wedding comedown, as we still had something to plan & look forward to.

globetraveller

Even if you can be flexible with the honeymoon, don't.
Your MIL knew what she was doing. To be honest, I would think most of her invited guests will think the same as you. What a selfish cow! Does she not get on with her son?