Debts Vs Savings, Please help!

moneysaver2012_2

So much to think about, thank you for all the replies. It will take 4 years for him to clear his debts. I worry that if he moves from his parents into his own place he will only be able to make the minimum payments and that will take forever to clear his debts. He couldn't move in with my at my current house as it would just be too cramped even though the rent is reasonable, we would be looking at least double in rent what I am paying here, so higher bills too.

My girls are 18 and 12 so not too young. My eldest works two jobs and is back in college next month till June 2012. When she is working full time I should be able to get some rent from her.

I still don't think anything will change just yet, I'm just considering different options at the moment.

Scottish Lassie.......I'm so sorry...that is the worse case senario, losing it all and the relationship failing. I don't think I could bring myself to get a contract drawn up though, we are not talking huge amounts here for most people but I'm not a high earner, he earns much more than me but on the other side its taken me years to save...oh I don't know

Sally x

BitterAndTwisted

Once you move in together and sign a joint-tenancy you will become financially associated with him. My advice would be to remain in separate households until he's completely solvent. Doing anything else could be very risky indeed.

Person_one

12 might not seem young, but its still not a great age for a man you don't know very well to suddenly be living in your house 24/7, a friend of mine had her stepdad move in when she was around that age and she really struggled, especially when her periods started and regarding bathroom/bedroom privacy, underwear drying on the line and so on.

The longer you are together before moving in the longer your daughter has to feel comfortable around him, you can do it properly, gradually increasing the amount of time he spends there, spending time together as a 'family' and so on.

I'm sorry, I know you feel like you're head over heels and it probably won't make much difference what we say, but I think you'd be mad to make his financial problems your financial problems at such an early stage. His debt is not your responsibility, so what if it takes him longer to pay it off? What's the big hurry? If its going to last forever then it will last forever whether you move in in February 2012 or February 2013/14/15.

When you are blending families/introducing 'steps', slower is better, take baby steps, its not just about two people in a relationship.

Pee

All I can see is you wanting to protect yourself and your children, which I understand, but he's not coming into this relationship with much except for a good nature as far as I can make out.

How do you see the future being?

Why does he feel the need to live with you rather than stay with his parents and stop over as often as he likes?

It's probably the case that with a 12 year old you need to give her some time and space on her own without all your efforts being focused on a man, one night a week perhaps?

I would be very careful about creating finacial links or obligations.

Beckyy

Please be careful. You've also got to remember that he got himself into that debt in the first place, and regardless of his ex wife, it was still irresponsible.

I would not be paying off a partners debt unless we had been together for a few years and were financially involved anyway, or married. Your girls are more important, and as he earns his own money I would let him pay it off himself for now. He'll learn more about doing it himself too. How long have you been seeing him?

But, I would try to go easy on him financially if your serious about having a relationship with him. Discreetly help him to budget, offer to stay in instead of go out, help him to downgrade his food shopping bill etc. That would be FAR more useful to him than just paying off some of his debt IMO.

Good luck

Jinx

I had debts when I met my partner and was on track with regards to paying them off. In all honesty, I dont think we'd be together if I wasnt already on the 'right' path as he has never had debt and has always been in the black.

Since money is a huge deal breaker for people I would be sure your partner has learned his lesson and it might be worth keeping totally separate finances while you make sure.

It can still work though, I became debt free about 14 mths after getting married

LolaMadeline

You said he pays 365 (or thereabouts) rent and 400 on his debts. It seems to me he should be paying much more on those debts. How much is his take home pay, and how does he spend it? Necessary things would be car insurance, petrol, and rent. Unnecessary things would be clothes, CDs, electronics, restaurants, gifts, holidays. He is not paying electricity, propane, mortgage, house repairs. His parents pay that. Does he buy groceries or do parents do that? You take packed lunches. Does he do that or does he go out for lunch every day? He could do an SOA.
Congratulations for the security you have provided for you and your girls.

DaisyFlower

I had a new adult in my life at a similar age as your youngest, it totally changed things for the worse and I left home as soon as I could.

Just because your yongest is not a baby, dont under estimate the effect of moving in a short term partner.

As for the money side, i'd be vary wary of moving in with somebody who is not financially responsible as its unlikely to change in future.

Person_one

If anything, I'd say it would be a lot harder for a 12 year old to cope with that sort of change than a 4 or 5 year old.

surreybased

Hi,

You sound like you have done brilliantly but I absolutely echo all the other comments. When I met my DH he had not long divorced and whilst he didn't have any debts he had not managed to save. We did not move into together for nearly 2 years since the first 18 months is the honeymoon period and I wanted to be completely sure about our relationship. Even with lack of debts and he is a wonderful man it has been harder than I could imagine. Like you my life was in good shape - job, home and savings for my children however I was now linked with a man who has children with an ex like yours. If his ex is demanding financially that is likely to continue, your dd is at a difficult age so don't under estimate the impact for her at a key stage in her development, he has children so you will now be a blended family - how will that work in 2 years time? Look on step parenting sites to get an insight into how tough it is to step parent. If his ex isn't amicable it's likely to get worse and you need to see how he handles the difficult situations.

Just a question - If he had his own place would you really be looking to move in together so soon? All relationships feel lovely in the year - and you really can't know someone well in a short time. I suspect his finances reveal something about him which you don't yet know..Could you have a good relationship and live in separate homes? You do sound lovely and he is fortunate to have met you - don't give up what you have worked so hard for you..if he is a good man he will wait