Debts Vs Savings, Please help!

moneysaver2012_2

make_me_wise wrote: »

My advice is dont take on his debts. They are not your responsibility. You have worked so hard to give yourself and your kids a good lifestyle and some financial security. If your relationship is as good as you make it sound then he wont mind sorting himself out first before setting up a life together with you.

How would you feel in a few months time if this relationship went /\ /\ up. All your savings gone and left to scrimp and save from scratch again.

Yes I know, that is a deep seated fear of mine which is part of the reason I wanted some advice because being left with nothing again would be awful. I wanted to know that my reluctance to part with my savings was normal and not a selfish thing to do.

I don't want my girls to resent him for us not being able to pay for things that I normally would because money is tight. But being on my own has been tough too, I've been so lonely and I have always said I would sooner be happy and poor than have money and be lonely.

I think even if day to day living is a struggle, as long as I have something set aside I will be ok.

Sally x

Rebecca01

I did it for my partner, it has worked out fine. Now I am at a stay at home mum and my partner is on a good salary. We just saw all our money and debt as our family money and still do.
I know what you mean about paying for the ex wifes things though but you have to try not to see it as that.
However four months is a short time , maybe give it a few more months to think over it.

moneysaver2012_2

Running_Horse wrote: »

I would ask to see a copy of his credit reports (a few quid from the main agencies), just in case there are any nasties lurking he has not told you about.

Good idea. I know he monitors his credit report because he had an issue with being a direct debit not going through as it should but it was the companies fault and it got sorted out on his credit report.

moneysaver2012_2

Rebecca01 wrote: »

I did it for my partner, it has worked out fine. Now I am at a stay at home mum and my partner is on a good salary. We just saw all our money and debt as our family money and still do.
I know what you mean about paying for the ex wifes things though but you have to try not to see it as that.
However four months is a short time , maybe give it a few more months to think over it.

Thank you, we plan to leave it till the new year at the earliest before anything much happens which gives him time to pay more off

With regard to seeing it as paying off his ex wifes things, its so hard to pay for things that I have made deliberate choices not to buy to save money but I know its his debt too and he is jointly responsible.

Sally x

Carl31

my partner had severe money problems when we met. Apart from the odd token amount, i didnt help her financially with her debts, only to help her sort the problems out in an advising capacity

Paying off your partners debt not only means everything you worked hard for for you and your children will have been a waste, it will teach him nothing. Best thing to do surely is to help him work out his own problems, help with contacting the creditors, sorting out an IVA etc.. but dont lose all that money you saved

Money_maker

moneysaver2012 wrote: »

Yes, she was a heavy drinker and smoker. He doesn't do either.


Sally

Apologies, misread as him.

Still gets the thumbs down, though.

Rebecca01

moneysaver2012 wrote: »

Thank you, we plan to leave it till the new year at the earliest before anything much happens which gives him time to pay more off

With regard to seeing it as paying off his ex wifes things, its so hard to pay for things that I have made deliberate choices not to buy to save money but I know its his debt too and he is jointly responsible.

Sally x

I know this feeling too well. It was hard when we were struggling and my OH ex was swanning around on three foreign holidays a year. While we couldnt afford a camp site.

However a few years on its all good, and we are starting to get sorted ourselves and the ex , although we are on semi good terms eventually, is now miserable and regrets alot of her actions. I now unbelievably feel sorry for her!!!

Good idea waiting until atleast new year.

You could also sign a legal agreement to say in the event you do part company then he will pay you so much back and get it witnessed by a solicitor. Just so it is a bit of come back if God forbid the worst happens.

scottish_lassy

Been there, done that, and .................... lost all the money I had put aside for my daughter's university fund! Please don't do it. I knew my (ex) for longer than 4 months and thought I was giving us a good start. I am sooooo angry with myself that I let my daughter down by giving him her money.

Please don't even consider moving in until he has paid off his own debt (should be incentive enough for him if he is really serious!)

PS My ex also did not "ask" for the money but there are indirect ways .......................

Person_one

How old are your children? I think moving in with someone after just a year when you have younger ones is a bit soon anyway.

I know he wants to leave his parents, and it will be cheaper for him to live with you than on his own but finances should never be a driving factor in making big relationship and life decisions. He can get a houseshare or be a lodger for a year, carry on paying down his debts and then by the time you've been together for two years you'll have a much better feel for whether its heading towards a permanent commitment.

Personally, if I had children to consider especially, I wouldn't even think about mixing finances unless I was married to somebody and had that commitment and protection.

make_me_wise

moneysaver2012 wrote: »

I don't want my girls to resent him for us not being able to pay for things that I normally would because money is tight. But being on my own has been tough too, I've been so lonely and I have always said I would sooner be happy and poor than have money and be lonely.

I think even if day to day living is a struggle, as long as I have something set aside I will be ok.

Sally x

The way I see it is if the relationship is right you shouldn't have to choose from being happy and poor or have money and be lonely. With the right guy you should be happy and have your money.

Whatever you decide to do I hope things work out for you and that you and the girls will be fine.