Did I over-react?

heretolearn_2

Grrrr my OH just winds me up so much sometimes, he is so uncommunicative, but somehow he thinks I'm in the wrong here....

He has a 19 year old daughter who lived abroad with her mum for years, so they are just picking things up a bit now she is in the UK again. She doesn't live near us and last time she stayed in the area she stayed with family friends who have a daughter about her own age she is quite close to I think.

It was mentioned to me that she would spend a month up here this summer. I said 'oh, I guess she'll be staying with X again?' and OH's reaction was to get cross and say she was his daughter and he's told her she's welcome to stay with us any time. Yes, of course, I said, just let me know.

On Monday I was casually told he was picking her up on Tuesday night for her stay with us...for one month. I was cross as he hadn't given me any warning - I'd already been shopping for the week for two people, etc etc. I don't mind her coming to stay but bloody well tell me! He thinks the first conversation was telling me, no it wasn't.

Then yesterday morning she walks out of the house with her suitcase acting perfectly normally (he'd already gone to work) and I didn't say anything as she was clearly off for the weekend and I felt like an utter berk I didn't even know what was happening in my own house! Last night I asked him what was happening with her then this weekend, oh, didn't she tell you, he said, she's gone home this weekend, be back Monday. No. Neither of them told me, and frankly though as she'd told him I would have expected him to tell me. I'd spent a lot of time this week trying to think of stuff to do with her this weekend to help us all get to know each other.

So last night I had the total hump. What gets up my nose is that he can't even say a simple 'sorry I should have told you'.

I'm now in a really bad mood about this visit but I don't want to be. It doesn't help that she spent literally every second so far shut in her bedroom and not coming out to spend any time at all with us. I mean literally none. The first night she came out just after we went to bed and went into the living room then (I'd had to leave her dinner in the fridge and it seemed to have been eaten when I got up in the morning). and the second night she just didn't come out at all. I'd already cooked dinner as well but OH came back with a message that she didn't want it. So I'm finding her behaviour quite rude too.

Argh, I just need to vent a bit and go and bash OH round the ear for being so thoughtless, and I'll just put up with her being unfriendly. I did really try hard to be nice to her and encourage her to join us - first evening I gave her an icecream and invited her to join me in the garden for a bit, no, then did she want to come and watch a DVD with us? No.

FBaby

You are absolutely right to let your OH know that this not acceptable behaviour. If he doesn't realise it, he will need to learn. I assume he is excited about rekindling his relationship with his daughter and that's all very well, but it is not right that sees nothing wrong at imposing things on you yet not feeling you should be involved in the plans.

Don't let this affect how you feel about her though. For one, she is a teenager, so will be in her own little world, clueless at how the whole thing is affecting you. She will judge you on how friendly and flexible you are. It is with time she will realise how her visits is affecting you, but by then, hopefully, you will have become closer. Don't worry if she is not being friendly to start with. You are not much more than her dad's partner at the moment and she wants to focus on him, so she is likely to be more focussed on trying to have as much time with him only, than to spend time as a 'new' family, let alone you. That will change, she could even become closer to you than to her dad, but she needs time to adjust.

In the meantime, don't apology to your hubby and make it clear that you will expect him to consult with you on any plans that are likely to affect your as a couple/family.

EastMidsGal

Sorry but I think you are overreacting. She's 19, she hardly knows you and her father and she's staying under your roof. Maybe she doesn't feel at ease around you yet so is staying in her room, or maybe she is picking up on the vibes you are emitting in your post and is staying out the way as she feels unwanted. You are her husband's wife, she probably assumed, that her father would have told you she wasn't staying that weekend at yours as he should have done. But she's also 19, myself and most other people I know at 19 would have spent their time in their room emailing, SKYPEing and Facebooking their friends. I think if it wasn't the odd bit of food going missing from the fridge and my piles of washing my mother would have been forgiven for forgetting I lived at home at 19 she saw so little of me.

I do think your husband should have communicated with you, but I don't think his daughter is being unfriendly nor rude, just a normal teenager. And for goodness sake, you're not friendly towards teenagers with an ice cream and an invite into the garden. That would only just about work on my ten year old, not a nineteen year old adult! If you want to be nice to her and encourage her, do something on her level like suggest a trip to the cinema or shopping and lunch. But remember it must be very difficult for her, she's lived abroad for years so England may not be what she's used to any more and she is staying with people she doesn't really know and may be aware that her presence has caused you to be annoyed with her father and her. You say you tried on the first night, what about the second, the third and the nights after that?

You're right your husband has been thoughtless but I think you're being very hard on his daughter

DVardysShadow

heretolearn wrote: »

I don't mind her coming to stay but bloody well tell me!

Just change that to "she is very welcome to stay but bloody well tell me". There is no need for anything else.

As EMG says, it looks like vibes are coming off you in barrow loads. Possibly OH is either consciously or unconsciously letting her know that things are very delicate with you. This is all to your disadvantage, so you need to get the situation back under control and make sure that she is very welcome and your only problem is that you need to be kept informed.

Sambucus_Nigra

Welcome to my world. 14 DSD - won't come out of her room or do anything but grunt unless she wants a lift somewhere. Never know when she is coming or if the weekends change and then, when at last I am informed so that I can take the right time off and get my nieces over the same week to spend time with her, it's my fault for SIL not confirming the exact days within 24 hours [I'd been waiting 3 weeks for confirmation of which weeks she was coming].

Just get used to it. It's about them now, not us!

Just make sure there is food that she likes in the fridge and get on with your life; let her get on with hers.

marywooyeah

I don't think you're overreacting. with less than a days notice a teenage girl has been invited to stay in your house, you cook for her and she doesnt want it - and doesnt even bother to tell you herself - then every effort you make with her is rejected.
it's true that she probably feels a bit nervous staying with people she doesnt really know, and she's probably not meaning to be rude but it is coming across that way. I'd just go up to her and say if you want to you can make some food for yourself, as I'm not too sure of what foods you like and don't. I'm going shopping later - why don't you come with me so we can get some things you like?
maybe she feels a bit in the way and is staying in her room because of this, but there's also probably an element of teenage isolation in there too with her wanting to be on her own. maybe after a few days she'll settle into her new surroundings and come out of her shell a bit.

fannyanna

In my opinion you're not over-reacting at all.

heretolearn_2

Yes, ok, some good points, but I am being nice to her, honest, I'm def. not letting my irritation show (in any case she's happy as Larry in her room, when I say she literally hasn't come out for one minute I mean it, so I could be walking round the house stark naked all the time and she wouldn't know.

The ice-cream/garden wasn't a kiddie thing, I just got in from work, it was that boiling hot day, the house was like an oven, she was very pleased with the icecream - i had one too - but i still couldn't tempt her out of her room.

I'm a mum and been through the antisocial teenage phase before, so I'm not expecting her to be thrilled at the thought of being here with a couple of old farts, but I do think that even a teenager should have the manners to interact with you for five minutes a day if they are living in your house. We might be more interesting than she imagines, but if she won't give us the chance, how will she know? I'm not used to the type of situation where the generations keep separate, I'm used to everyone mixing in, both my family and friends are like that. And she is nearly 20, not some stroppy 14 year old who you expect to be in a Kevin stage. Still, early days, I hope she'll relax a bit. I'm just a tiny bit miffed with her and to be honest it's only because it's an 'AND' thing after getting cross with OH. He's the one I think has behaved badly, not her. I would just like an apology for his being thoughtless and not keeping me informed as I need to know who is staying or not staying in my own home! But I won't get one.

There_Goes_Trouble

She's 19 - take her to the pub!!

See if she'll go shopping with you because you need a new dress and you'd appreciate a female opinion... something like that, adult activities that she's included in or you can make her feel involved. Could you knock on her bedroom door and ask if she thinks a certain top goes with a particular skirt.... just a 1 minute conversation that will make her feel valued and like you're enjoying having her there.

heretolearn_2

take her to the pub - *she doesn't drink!*

Otherwise yes, I guess maybe I need to up the girl quotient, I have never been a girly girl type, grew up with brothers, only had a son, of course I have female friends but we aren't a very girly bunch, whereas I think she is a bit - false nails, loads of make-up and all that stuff. I guess I can fake an interest to break the ice.

I had been planning on taking her food shopping this weekend so she could choose stuff she likes, and then maybe the cinema.

emerald21

Hi I dont think you are over reacting at all. Too many people make excuses for " children " nowadays. At 19 she is hardly a child. I think she should learn some manners and have some respect for people who are inviting her into their home. As for the boyfriend ...