Did I over-react?

belfastgirl23

I'm with the carry on as normal advice too, actually long term I think I find that easier than fake offers of girlieness sorry not getting at you OP but I'm not a girlie girl either and unless you do really want to know how to do fake nails etc it will be weird. I think your food shopping idea is better.

It is worth seeing if there's anything you can bond a bit over that you have a genuine interest in though.

But I do think you need to talk to your OH. And I always think it's worth starting with an apology - eg if you think you could have handled the discussions better say so (but don't apologise for anything you aren't sorry for). And say can you start a fresh sheet with this, tell him she's very welcome and you'd like to get to know her better. And then say that in terms of shopping and planning etc, you would really appreciate knowing what her plans are. And ask him whether he would prefer to talk to her about this or whether you should? He might get a bit odd about this but keep it on a very practical and non emotional level - it's reasonable to want to know who will be under your roof.

You haven't been unreasonable at all but I think he's interpreting this as you not wanting her there. And if he's a typical man he won't acknowledge the extra cooking/cleaning for guests/bed making etc that goes with having visitors (at least mine never has either). So try to let it go for now but make it clear how you need things to be for the next month.

erdd2

I can see the difficulties for all parties. Communication would be a tremendous help and you are not receiving this....I do not believe you over reacted, you have the right to be included in matters that affect you.

summerday

Even in late teens, lots of teenagers like to spend time alone when they are at home (and she prob sees it that way as it's her Dad's place), at least she's not causing any trouble! She may feel a bit awkward that she's imposing, so feel that she's doing you a favour by keeping out of the way, far from meaning you to think that she's rude. I remember staying at my Dad's and stepmum's house when I was 18 for a couple of weeks while working a summer job, I mostly stayed in my room to keep out of their way and not put them out, would have been mortified if stepmum had thought I was being rude as I always tried to be pleasant when I arrived home etc.

Jinx

I don't think you are over-reacting. Hubby should have told you properly that you were due a guest, regardless of who it is. As for his daughter - shes 19 - which means she is well old enough to be well-mannered and polite.

My daughter is 19 and I would be mortified & annoyed to think she wouldnt converse with her step-mum and would be rude enough to wait until dinner was cooked to then refuse it.

j.e.j.

I wonder if his daughter feels shy and awkward in someone else's house, and this is why she shuts herself away? Or maybe she's just not the sociable type!! I think I'd put her lack of social skills down to immaturity, even though she's not a young teenager.

You need to let your OH know that yes she's his daughter, but it's YOUR house as well as his, YOU are the one who's doing the food-shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc and would he please in future have the courtesy of letting you know when he's invited someone round.

Bogof_Babe

Next time she shuts herself in her room, knock and say "I'm cleaning upstairs today, would you mind just hoovering your room to give me a hand, if you're not too busy?"

Her reaction to this should help sort out exactly what her problem is.

beanymagoo

I think that the daughter maybe doesnt really know her father that well and that is why she is hiding away in her room. I moved into my Dads house when I was about 18 and I remember that I wanted nothing to do with his partner but this was because my parents marriage had broken up because of her. I was in an alien environment, everything felt akward and after a week I moved out again! Remember shes only a young girl who is trying to see where she fits into her dads life! I would continue to be nice to her and hopefully sometime in the future you will have a great relationship with each other. As for your partner........words cant express how dumb he is being in not giving you the information.

CH27

I'd have a little word with her.
Say i'm delighted you are here. Could you let me know if there are any foods you like or dislike & if you won't be around for meals.
Say you are trying to be organised & you would appreciate her help.

louise3965

beanymagoo wrote: »

I think that the daughter maybe doesnt really know her father that well and that is why she is hiding away in her room. I moved into my Dads house when I was about 18 and I remember that I wanted nothing to do with his partner but this was because my parents marriage had broken up because of her. I was in an alien environment, everything felt akward and after a week I moved out again! Remember shes only a young girl who is trying to see where she fits into her dads life! I would continue to be nice to her and hopefully sometime in the future you will have a great relationship with each other. As for your partner........words cant express how dumb he is being in not giving you the information.

I agree with beany. I have a 19 year old daughter and she can be a mass of hormones, worries, confidence, terror all in one day. Imagine having to stay in a strangers house and that stranger being your dad, with all the hopes, insecurities and baggage that entails. But he should have told you, that was a mistake.

heretolearn_2

Thanks for all the posts and advice.

I did take her out food shopping last week and we picked out the menu for the week together and I made sure she got some treats/stuff just for her to snack on, to make her feel welcome.

I came home one evening to find the bathroom abolutely flooded with water and filthy, so I had a big vent to OH about it all, saying it was just a vent, I understood if he didn't want to rock the boat by saying anything to her. He said she's been quite sheltered and spoilt all her life and needs to grow up a bit. He must have had a word as I got home the next day to find the bathroom cleaned and she'd done the washing up and cleaned the kitchen up too, and she's been doing the washing up ever since :-)

She even ventured out to watch a DVD with us over the weekend, and I did a BBQ Sat afternoon which she seemed to quite enjoy and sat out and chatted with us.

So maybe just a few teething problems and she has settled in a bit now with a bit of a shove in the right direction from OH.