Did I over-react?

BitterAndTwisted

No, you didn't over-react:

He invited his daughter to stay without asking you first.

He only mentioned that he'd invited her when you brought it up.

He gave you no pre-warning about the exact dates so you could prepare her room or get the appropriate shopping in. Never mind, getting into the frame of mind to welcome her as a guest into your home.

He's now blaming you for not being able to read his mind.

Neither of them saw fit to mention that she's going away for the weekend.

I'd be feeling like an inconsequential lodger in my own home who doesn't even warrant being treated with any consideration and I don't blame you for being cross: I'd be ruddy livid with him!

Oldernotwiser

EastMidsGal wrote: »

Sorry but I think you are overreacting. She's 19, she hardly knows you and her father and she's staying under your roof. Maybe she doesn't feel at ease around you yet so is staying in her room, r

Surely you'd exhibit better manners whilst staying with people you don't know well? Most people keep their worst manners for their nearest and dearest!

lostinrates

I don't think you are overreacting BUT I think you need to think about how you acheive this more easily. A 19 year old is possibly still teenaged-self-obcessed but also, more crucially probably does feel very awkward and possibly not sure how wanted she is.

I'd consider things like asking her what her favourite meals are. In variably you won't make them ''like her mother'' but it will show effort. Maybe she can even help. I'd try for sugary sweet ''I'm so glad you're here, your dad is thrilled, I am thrilled. Now, while we're talking honestly about feelings, can I also say that it would really ehlp if I knew in advance when you're here or not. I want to be able to cook food you like -as well as me making my shopping list easier by knowing in advance. Of course, we'd love you here all the time but we know we have to share you with your friends!''


Although you're feelings are very, very justified its not going to help, in fact, IMO it could make communication WORSE not better, even if she is shielded from it..the vibe will go through your OH.


Good luck!

Oldernotwiser

From everybody's different points of view, what's the purpose of this visit?

There_Goes_Trouble

heretolearn wrote: »

take her to the pub - *she doesn't drink!*

Neither did I at this age, but still enjoyed the adult atmosphere of going to the pub.

Otherwise yes, I guess maybe I need to up the girl quotient, I have never been a girly girl type, grew up with brothers, only had a son, of course I have female friends but we aren't a very girly bunch, whereas I think she is a bit - false nails, loads of make-up and all that stuff. I guess I can fake an interest to break the ice.

You don't have to go OTT, but just little things like asking her opinion about something, or comments like 'I love how you do your eye make up, I've never been very good at make up' might draw her into conversations that she's comfortable with. If she's very girly and you're not then she may be feeling that you have nothing in common and she doesn't know how to start a conversation.

I had been planning on taking her food shopping this weekend so she could choose stuff she likes, and then maybe the cinema.

Great ideas. I also like the idea a few posts above where you can just ask her to let you know her plans so you can shop/cook appropriately, I love the bit about 'having to share her with friends'!

timefortea

Is she annoyed with her dad for some reason, does she feel like he neglected her or didn't get in touch while she was abroad? I can see her taking it out on you both and not wanting to mix with you if she feels that her dad didn't care enough while she was growing up.

(I'm 24 and my dad, who I saw a few times a year while growing up, got married last year. I'm not rude to them and do mix, but I find visits mega awkward. So I wonder whether she's feeling the same way.)

pmlindyloo

Sorry, but going to take a totally different view here.

Yes, be cross with your husband - 'you should have told me, please let me know what's going on.......

But .....

some 19 year olds are polite friendly etc. Lots are totally self absorbed, selfish, have no manners etc etc. and think older people are living on another planet.

I would not go out of my way to do anything special with your OH's daughter. Carry on as normal with a casual, 'dinner's at ... it's..........will you be joining us?' Do not even attempt to be anything but your normal self. You could, of course, say 'I'm off to.... see you later'. Keep it polite and friendly but do not plan anything just for her.

You have tried to be friendly but now the ball is in her court. Of course continue to be friendly but wait for her to say 'Can I come with you................' or not.

This is her first visit and things must be very strange for her. Yes, she should be more polite but I feel in your situation you need to be the bigger person here. Don't let her behaviour annoy you (easier said than done I know!) It's not for ever. Go with the flow and if there's any 'sorting' to be done leave it to your OH. In other words, grin and bear it - singing does it for me!

After this month you and your OH will have to continue as normal so don't let this come between you. (Yes, men can be as daft as teenagers, in fact....................!!!!!)

make_me_wise

Blimey what an inconsiderate pair they are OP.

Your OHs daughter seems to be a person who has serious interaction problems, without the first idea about social graces and politeness. To the point where her behaviour to me is of someone who is more than a little bit backwards. What is the point of visiting people then locking yourself away in a bedroom and refusing to eat/spend any time with them.

If she were a really young teen like 13 or 14 then you could pass off some of this behaviour as a typical teen. However at 19 I think its a lame excuse for how she is carrying on. She is an adult now, and should know better. She would get very short shrift from people outside of her family if she treated them the way she is treating you OP.

As for your other half, he has a bit of a cheek really doesn't he. Giving one days notice of someone arriving is not on. Then not telling you that she is going away for the weekend, and for you to just see her walking out the door without a word. Its plain rude and would not be tolerated in my house. If someone cant be polite to me or take my feelings into account in my own home they are not welcome. I think you would be wise to adopt the same approach.

thistledome

I know teens can be difficult but at 19 she's hardly Kevin the Teenager and her behaviour is rude IMO and your husband is inconsiderate. I don't think you're overreacting.

I'm just wondering if you're husband has told her, or gave her the impression, that you were annoyed that she was coming, or that you were annoyed that she went off for the weekend without telling you.

If he doesn't feel comfortable criticising her, or saying something that could sound to her like criticism, he might use you as the bad guy, like: ".....I don't mind you coming and going as you please, but heretolearn had a little moan at me about it...." or words to that effect.

Just a thought.

claire16c

I think she sounds pretty rude for a 19 year old. I wouldnt have dreamt of acting like that whoevers house I was staying at. There is no way I would have taken an ice-cream and then gone back to the bedroom, would have felt really anti-social doing that.

I think lostinrates has some good ideas.