I need help quickly with family problem

Lancaster1

Basically I haven't been in touch with my mother for several years.

Yesterday my half sister visits me and tells me that she put my mother in a care home 5 months ago because she has dementia, and she(my sister) is selling the house and that it is sold subject to contract. As you can imagine this has come as a massive shock to me.

The house has been gutted and I have just managed to grab a few personal possessions from what hadn't been spirited away.

My sister says she is trying to get power of attorney.

I've spoken to the care home and my mother has advanced dementia but is otherwise in good health.

The problems are that one of my old friends from my mother's street and her next door neighbour are telling me that my mother was ok living at home, though she did need some help looking after herself, but worse still that she was tricked into going 200 miles away and into a home on the premise that she was just going for a "few days away"

My sister is saying she has accepted an offer on the house that is some 23k lower than the asking price ( I've found it online ) and has told me many lies about what my mother was "up to" saying she attacked people in the street and nearly blew the house up leaving the gas on and such like. All these things turn out to be lies that she has spread around.

I need to know if I can halt these proceedings, and possibly, subject to finding out the true health condition of my mother, get her back home.

I need to move quickly because I think this is all going through very soon although I'm struggling to understand how the house can be sold from under my mother's feet as it were.

Hijabee

Number 1: Are you closer to your mother or her?
2: Who actually owns the house?
3: Where is her partner?
4.) Talk to your sister and tell her what is she doing?

You need to get hold of your sister, and tell her she needs help. This decision is big, and it can be regretted afterwards.

Barneysmom

..............post deleted

mountainofdebt

I think if your mum has dementia then I think it would be too late for your sister to get power of attorney as I thought the papers had to be put in together before the person lost capacity. I think I'm also right in assuming that if your mum is unable to look after herself then the court of protection becomes involved.

I do have to wonder why now you are getting all het up about this, especially if you've not been in contact with your mum for years?

elsien

Who is funding the placement in the home or is your mum self funding?
If she getting help with funding from the local authority it is likely that social services were involved in assessing her needs and finding a home that they deem suitable within the price bracket. Is the home being sold to fund your mother's care?
In which case I would suggest the first port of call would be to the relevant social services department. I would also suggest that you look up information on the mental capacity act, as if your mother is not able to make these decisions for herself then there should have been a best interests meeting to decide the best way forward on her behalf. I don't know much about the new power of attorney system, but if it's not yet in place I believe it is possible to register an objection.
Check the directgov website for more information.

A word of caution though. You have been out of the picture for whatever reason for a long time. Your mother's neighbour may not have seen the full picture of what was happening and the help your mother needed. People can put up a good front if they need to and appearances can be deceptive. You really have little idea of the help your mother needs and the help your sister may or may not have been giving her before the move. If you do manage to stop proceedings and magically get your mum home again (presuming she does want to go and she may not if she's now settled) who's going to be doing the looking after her? If you haven't bothered with her in the last few years, are you really going to start doing so now? Ask yourself honestly why you are upset - is it genuinely about your mum or is it more about your relationship with your sister and not wanting to lose out on the proceeds of any sale?

Lancaster1

Thanks for the replies. I half expected some of the responses re. me not caring previously and they are understandable. But let's just say that I spent many years visiting my mother up until 5 years ago when we fell out. My sister had moved away and hadn't had anything to do with her for 20 years !
Now this all just smacks of her trying to get her money. I'm not after the money, I've just realised that now despite my feelings and some of the terrible things my mother has done that I don't want her ripped off. My sister might not have any shame or guilt, but I have.

Without getting too emotional, I just need some practical advice. It's my mother's house, my father passed away some time ago, so she lived alone.

At the moment I'm told that the sale is to provide funding for my mother's care. That's fine so long as that is truly the best thing for her.

Yes, I've had to post this without perhaps all the information required to give me the best advice, but as I said, I need some advice quickly. The main thing I can't get to grips with is how can the house be being sold under these circumstances?

I will be trying to find out tomorrow more about my mother's condition.

In all honesty my sister perhaps visited my mother 2 to 3 times at most in the last couple of years. Now all of a suddenly it has come to this.

Of course it will be hard for an outsider to believe that I have anything other than my own interests at heart here, and I will not go into both me and my sisters lack of contact with our mother here, except to say that it was with damn good reason and not the usual can't be bothered scenario. At the end of the day some of us just want to try to do the right thing.

Perhaps this wasn't the best place to post this for straightforward advice, but thanks for those that did give me a couple of pointers.

Money_maker

Lancaster1 wrote: »

My sister is saying she has accepted an offer on the house that is some 23k lower than the asking price ( I've found it online ) and has told me many lies about what my mother was "up to" saying she attacked people in the street and nearly blew the house up leaving the gas on and such like. All these things turn out to be lies that she has spread around.

Dementia can have many forms and things such as forgetting to switch the gas off happen a lot within this group. Advanced dementia would mean that your mother is best within a safe environment such as a care home. What relatives tend to forget is who is going to look after her in her own home? You? Just because her physical health is fine does not mean she is able to live alone.

You have spoken to the care home - when are you visiting her?

Too many questions requiring answers from you, the absent daughter before you turn on your sister. How do you know the number of times she visited your mother if you weren't in touch to find out?

The sale of the house will be used to fund the care home. I think that you need to talk some more with your sister as she cannot just sell it without her mothers approval. Perhaps there's already been this discussion and agreement between mother and daughter at a rational moment.

Before you rock the boat, ensure you have the willingness to take up the oars.

foreign_correspondent

we had to persuade my gran to go into a care home for a 'short term' placement, even though we knew it was likely she needed to stay there long term - it was the only way to get her through the doors.

Bless her, she was a feisty old soul, and quite strong in many ways, but she became incapable of judging risks, and was not safe at home. She could persuade people she met that all was fine - but they were not going out to her when she had fallen at 3am in subzero temperatures, after she had switched all her heating of, for fear of fire....

She scored quite well on short term memory tests, but her ability to rationalise, to keep track of time, and to look after herself was seriously compromised. She became paranoid and believed people were stealing from her, even family members who were trying to help her.

She could also be quite strong willed, and refused help at home... in the end the only sensible decision was to try and get her somewhere where she could be cared for 24/7. If they are saying your mum has advanced dementia, I fully expect she would not be safe at home, and may well leave the gas on etc...

If relationships between her and her children have been difficult, as it appears, it may well be better to let professionals take care of her, and to see if you can rebuild some sort of friendship with her whilst she is here.

My gran wasn't always the easiest lady to love, but she became happier with the company she had in the care home, and towards the end we had some wonderful times with her - they are precious memories, and I am thankful. My mum and her had a difficult relationship over the years, and it was nice to know that all was settled at the end, and we all made it very clear to each other that any hurt feelings were forgiven, and that whatever had happened, we loved each other.

Good luck with it all.

gettingbetter

one thing i will say
(and i have been in this situ with mil)
i was the worst person in the world as far as she was concerned
it was the dementure talking she loved me really

is there a solicitor involded with the selling of the house
try to find out and make an appointment to see them
express youe concerns and ask them to open an acc
in ur mothers name and to hold the money from the
house sale. also contact the home and ask them to send all
bills to solicitor and he pays them

they can do this as this is what we did
then you know your mothers money is safe

kas xx

Person_one

I wouldn't make too much of the house selling for 23K below asking price. Nothing is selling for asking price at the moment and a house that has been lived in by an older woman with advancing dementia will probably need a lot of work by whoever takes it on.

I'm not really sure what the problem is to be honest. You seem satisfied that your mum does actually have advanced dementia, so what would your plans be for her care if she did go back to her house? She is probably in the best place for her condition, and it is true that the proceeds of the sale will have to go towards funding her care unless your sister or someone else is funding it from their own pocket.

I don't doubt that you had good reasons for not being in touch with your mother, people don't become saints just because they get old or ill.

Lancaster1

Please don't take this the wrong way. I can see where some of the comments and questions are going and I would rather not try to justify my previous actions and the reasons for them, except to say that there is much more to this than the usual, " I just can't be bothered with my mother and that's tough" scenario. I hope that people can see and accept that, without me having to detail my life.
Clearly I'm going to have to try to find out more from my sister, but I suspect that it will be difficult to get full and honest information.
First port of call will be the care home and doctor to find out more details, followed possibly by a chat with the estate agents to see how the house has been sold without any power of attorney.

I appreciate all the comments and thanks for everything so far.