I need help quickly with family problem

RAS

gonzo

As I sad above, the sister's actions may be honourable but her understanding her legal responsibilities are very poor. Someone with that little understanding of their duties as an attorney is not suitable for the role.

Tish_P

My sister might not have any shame or guilt, but I have.

Without getting too emotional

You clearly are very emotional already! This is understandable of course, but don't let it cloud your judgement - stop assuming the worst of your sister. I have known loving relatives who have been forced to deceive a beloved elder into going to a home because otherwise the elder would have burned the house down or wandered out in the cold and got hopelessly lost. Calm down, talk to the care home people, talk to your mum if she's willing and capable. And think it over yourself carefully too. What outcome from this situation would make you happy?

The care home has confirmed she has advanced dementia. She can't live independently any more. Unless you are uncommonly well-resourced and have unlimited spare time and patience, she can't come and live with you either. Care homes are expensive: unless you are a rich family the house would have have to be sold quickly, and depending on the house price 23k under budget is not too alarming in this economic climate - especially for a house that was likely to be in a bit of a state. A house that's being sold has to be cleared. Again, try not to use emotional language like "gutted" and "spirited away" and try to see things from your sister's point of view. Her mother, whom she presumably never got on with very well, falls out with another child (you) and suddenly the burden of care falls on her, she bears it for an increasingly difficult five years - and suddenly you are back in the picture and ready to accuse her of robbery! Nobody is saintly in this situation but it's unlikely that anyone is the devil incarnate either. I hope you can all work things out.

Lancaster1

Well, I have taken on board what many of you have said and appreciate the comments and advice.
Thanks Tish for your comments, and yes I was probably quite upset about not being informed about what was happening and also having so many of my childhood possessions thrown in a skip. I know that you're gonna say "tough" you weren't there. I can't argue that fact, but I can say that I wasn't given the chance to make an informed choice.
Yes I am still somewhat upset about how this has all been done. This has been suddenly dropped on me and I never foresaw this happening. I have spoken to the care home at length and I'm satisfied that my mother is not necessarily in the best location, but probably in the best place for her care.

I have managed to find out that despite my sister telling me yesterday she was going for power of attorney, she has already got it. From what the care home have told me, she in fact got it months ago, around the time she took my mother into the care home. Whilst I'm still wondering how it was possible to place her into care with dementia and still get her to sign power of attorney over to my sister, I think that it's all too late to do anything now.
I've asked the care home to carefully find out whether my mother will be amenable to my visiting her and I've told my sister that I want to be kept informed about all affairs and details.
I've had lengthy discussions with my mother's ex neighbours who despite my sister telling me my mother hates me, have told me that my mother still spoke of me and didn't feel that way, though of course she may have kept her true feelings concealed.
Once again, thanks for the advice, both practical and otherwise.

Savvy_Sue

Lancaster1 wrote: »

I have managed to find out that despite my sister telling me yesterday she was going for power of attorney, she has already got it. From what the care home have told me, she in fact got it months ago, around the time she took my mother into the care home. Whilst I'm still wondering how it was possible to place her into care with dementia and still get her to sign power of attorney over to my sister, I think that it's all too late to do anything now.

I think that the same would apply to Attorneys as to Deputies - if you have concerns about someone's actions or suitability you can talk to the OPG. If it was a Lasting PofA, this page will be interesting.

So, if you think your Mum's probably in a safe place, what is your concern? Can you approach this so that you and your sister work together for your mum's best interests, or is this angling to a massive falling out with your sister because you don't trust her?

btw you don't have to answer that, but from here it looks like those are the likely outcomes.

PaddyPaws

As well as your concerns re the house sale and power of attorney, you seem to be a bit 'put out' that your sister has moved your mother 200 miles away.

I take it from this, and that you stated earlier that your sister had moved away, that you lived fairly close to your mother and your sister has moved your mother to a care home close to where she now lives.

Has it occurred to you that this was for practical reasons? Your sister has been trying to get support for your mother and if the care home had been in your mother's home area your sister would've had a 400 mile round trip to visit/provide family support - that's a lot, especially if she is also doing things like your mother's washing. I know that you will now have a long trip to visit, but as you haven't been in contact for some considerable time maybe your sister didn't think you'd be bothered now. Presumably you also hadn't been in contact with your sister, so she quite possibly had to work up the courage to contact you, not knowing what response she would get.

On the subject of childhood items now lost due to the house clearance, surely if they were important to you then you would have already taken them from the house?

Just a couple of things from a different perspective
hth
PP

onlyroz

If your mum has been in a care home for 5 months then I am surprised that it has taken so long to arrange the sale of her home. My mother-in-law's home was sold as quickly as possible (i.e. within a month) of her going into a home - otherwise there would have been a constant question mark over how her care was being funded.

RAS

Lancaster1 wrote: »

I have managed to find out that despite my sister telling me yesterday she was going for power of attorney, she has already got it. From what the care home have told me, she in fact got it months ago, around the time she took my mother into the care home. Whilst I'm still wondering how it was possible to place her into care with dementia and still get her to sign power of attorney over to my sister, I think that it's all too late to do anything now.

Hi

I think that you need to check exactly what your sister has been up to.

If she organsied an LPA I would expect that you would have been contacted before this was granted, as other close relatives are supposed to be consulted as part of the process.

At the very least, you should be included as a joint attorney.

Lancaster1

PaddyPaws wrote: »

As well as your concerns re the house sale and power of attorney, you seem to be a bit 'put out' that your sister has moved your mother 200 miles away.

I take it from this, and that you stated earlier that your sister had moved away, that you lived fairly close to your mother and your sister has moved your mother to a care home close to where she now lives.

Has it occurred to you that this was for practical reasons? Your sister has been trying to get support for your mother and if the care home had been in your mother's home area your sister would've had a 400 mile round trip to visit/provide family support - that's a lot, especially if she is also doing things like your mother's washing. I know that you will now have a long trip to visit, but as you haven't been in contact for some considerable time maybe your sister didn't think you'd be bothered now. Presumably you also hadn't been in contact with your sister, so she quite possibly had to work up the courage to contact you, not knowing what response she would get.

On the subject of childhood items now lost due to the house clearance, surely if they were important to you then you would have already taken them from the house?

Just a couple of things from a different perspective
hth
PP

Ok lets clear some things up here.
My sister is 20 years older than me. My mother brought us up using the "beat you method " My sister left home probably when I was about nine, of course she didn't know that my mum was giving me the treatment that she had previously dished out to my sister.
My mother became seriously ill and spent several months in hospital when I was 13 and I looked after myself mostly alone during that time.
My sister basically took no interest in my mother until after I had the falling out with my mother that I refer to in my initial post.
I left home when I was 17 and went out alone, but I kept in touch with my mother, still visiting her and doing the usual "son" stuff, taking her out, fixin up the house etc.All on a very regular (mostly weekly,fortnightly basis). Don't ask me why I did all these things after how I had been treated, the few people that I told about what had happened said I should have nothing whatsoever to do with my mother.
Yes, I felt like I would never want anything to do with my mother again, but now I'm not so sure about my feelings.

I have kept in touch with my sister yes I feel like I have been deliberately left uninformed, maybe you believe that I'm wrong to think that, but maybe you can also see why I feel something untoward has been planned here.

The reason I would have preferred my mother to stay nearer her home was that she had friends there, she lived there many years and they would have had opportunity to visit her, but they weren't told that she was moving and after the fact were told by my sister not to contact me and tell me what was happening. Her neighbours even had the police break in when they didn't see her for a day after my sister took her, but my sister just told me 2 days ago that the Police broke in because my mother left the gas on and nearly blew the street up, another lie. Ok I'm getting different stories from the neighbours to my sister, but why would people I grew up with make up these things? I appreciate that my mother might have been hiding her true mental state, and that she needed help, but I was never given the option.


Maybe my sister was trying to protect me as she says she was, or maybe not. I will likely never know all that happened.

As far as my possessions. The option to get them wasn't there for me until my mother was moved. Then the option wasn't given to me by my sister, they were just thrown away. Yes, I've managed to get some things, but the items that were of no monetary value were binned and those were the things that meant most to me. I know that there are more important things here than my possessions, but I am still human and why shouldn't I think a little bit about myself too?

Tish_P

I'll ask again, what outcome would make you happy? It sounds a bit like you just want to vent, which is OK and very natural, and get some reassurance that you are a good person, which you do sound like, and not a mother-abandoning monster. Again, OK and natural.

The only person coming across as a nasty piece of work here is your mother. Have you considered that she might be the one you're really angry with - but she's now out of reach so you're lashing out at your sister instead?

lallysmum

I am my mother's carer. I have been "caring" for her full time now for about 11 years (I am 33) I also have three brothers who have visited her approximately 4 times in those 11 years. Although I keep them informed when she has to go into hospital etc, I don't tell them about day to day health issues because I don't see that a) it's any of their business, and b) that they'd actually be that interested.

My mother has bee diagnosed with dementia, she's not too bad at the moment, but is displaying feelings of paranoia, is unable to dress or wash herself, would completely not eat if I didn't provide her meals, would probably have killed herself through accidental medication overdoses if I didn't have all her pills locked away... but to neighbours and casual visitors, she can seem perfectly fine.

The house sale is required by the council if they are providing a home for her (except for £23000 odd), they need it to contribute to her care.. I doubt your sister will be profiting from it in any way. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us as we own the house jointly, so am assuming that there will a lien put on so when I sell the house the council can claim half.. not entirely sure though.

I have been looking at homes for mum as I am becoming increasingly unable to look after her on my own - she's up and wandering, despite being frail and unsteady on her feet, all hours of the night.. she can be quite evil in the things she says (and then has no memory of saying them so can't understand why I'm upset) but I'm not consulting my (absent) brother's about it because.. well.. they're not interested now, so why would they be interested in where she ends up?

Sorry if this sounds disjointed - we've had a bad week as I didn't realise mum had yet another UTI, so she's particularly non sleepy and argumentative.