I need help quickly with family problem

Savvy_Sue

lallysmum wrote: »

I have been looking at homes for mum as I am becoming increasingly unable to look after her on my own - she's up and wandering, despite being frail and unsteady on her feet, all hours of the night.. she can be quite evil in the things she says (and then has no memory of saying them so can't understand why I'm upset) but I'm not consulting my (absent) brother's about it because.. well.. they're not interested now, so why would they be interested in where she ends up?

I can perfectly understand where you're coming from, BUT it might be an idea to tell them that you are looking, because you can no longer care for your mum (and theirs) on your own. Not because they might be interested, but because if you don't, the potential for arguments is increased. IMO.

I wouldn't do it as a consultation, but as a reporting of facts. Not as a "what do you think", but "this IS the situation".

If they want to ask questions, I can't help feeling that you'll be better equipped to deal with them now rather than when the deed is first done.

Lancaster1

Tish_P wrote: »

I'll ask again, what outcome would make you happy? It sounds a bit like you just want to vent, which is OK and very natural, and get some reassurance that you are a good person, which you do sound like, and not a mother-abandoning monster. Again, OK and natural.

The only person coming across as a nasty piece of work here is your mother. Have you considered that she might be the one you're really angry with - but she's now out of reach so you're lashing out at your sister instead?

Actually it may seem strange but I just want to make sure everything is taken care of properly,fairly and honestly, ultimately with my mother's best interests. If I could be 100% sure that she is happy, whether or not she wants any dealings with me, then I could relax.

I don't need reassurance about my character, and I don't believe that I want to vent either. I've learned to live with my past and I don't want it removing, it's what makes me what I am. Perhaps it's all about trust, maybe some of it is that I feel somewhat betrayed by another member of my family that I felt I could trust .
I could possibly accept my sisters inital actions, but to me the lies over the past few days are unacceptable.

I have allowed this to go further on here on a personal basis than I had intended and too much has been said already. Originally I was looking just for legal advice.

I am going to wait a while until things have settled and calmly tell my sister my full feelings.

Jinx

I do wonder if your sister just thought it would be easier to make the decisions on her own and let you know after rather than invite your input.

My brother and I are very similar and we both adore our mum. But that does not mean that we would agree on what is best for her. We've talked power of attorney and suchlike and I've made it clear that she needs to give one of us ultimate veto. In all honesty it would probably be me as I'm local and my brother is abroad but I wouldnt mind either way. One of my work colleagues says its easier to decide for yourself and then say sorry rather than ask permission - I do agree with him sometimes

CH27

Lancaster1 wrote: »

Actually it may seem strange but I just want to make sure everything is taken care of properly,fairly and honestly, ultimately with my mother's best interests. If I could be 100% sure that she is happy, whether or not she wants any dealings with me, then I could relax.

I don't need reassurance about my character, and I don't believe that I want to vent either. I've learned to live with my past and I don't want it removing, it's what makes me what I am. Perhaps it's all about trust, maybe some of it is that I feel somewhat betrayed by another member of my family that I felt I could trust .
I could possibly accept my sisters inital actions, but to me the lies over the past few days are unacceptable.

I have allowed this to go further on here on a personal basis than I had intended and too much has been said already. Originally I was looking just for legal advice.

I am going to wait a while until things have settled and calmly tell my sister my full feelings.

She has dementia. You need to be realistic about your expectations.

Gavin83

Your sister has nothing to gain from this financially as the proceeds of the sale will fund your mothers care, so I'd question her motivations if she is just looking after her own interests.

I think the likelyhood is your mother was suffering from dementia, it's quite easy to hide for periods of time and the neighbours may not have been aware.

You say your sister tells you how she was and these are lies, how do you know these are lies?

Money_maker

As a community carer, I quite often go into clients and wonder why I am needed. Sometimes it takes a little while to realise that things are very wrong - certainly not always noticeable upon first contact.

Once again I would suggest you visit her at the home but bear in mind that her condition may affect what she says to you. It will give you the opportunity to speak face to face with workers that see her everyday.

Pee

Someone has to sort your mother's affairs out.

If you are concerned about your mother, rather than her money, social services shuld be able to assist if you notify them that she is a vulnerable person.

It doesn't really matter what your sister sells the house for as that money is going to pay your mother's care fees...

(I have a poor relationship with my mother and a good relationship with my sister, but if something happened to my mother like dementia, although I would expect to help at my sister's request, it would be up to her to deal with it as she is a lot closer my mother.)