Not invited to family wedding -surprisingly upset!

Judith_W

I think it is likey he has considered the environment and decided that for the benefit of those he is still close with he won't invite you as it seems an either or situation, but he really should have sent a note or come over to explain, as it seems highly likely that you would find out some other way.

TBH the number of random family members that get invited to weddings who are never seen from one year to the next, it sounds like a deliberate decision and a chat would be a good way of clearing the air and making it known that you know about the wedding. Just ignoring it would seem odd too as he will find out from mum that you know

lostinrates

Acc72 wrote: »

And thereby perpetuate the current situation with regards to lack of communication ?

I believe that if the OP wants to go to the wedding and/or a relationship with her brother, then she should speak with him (ideally face to face).

This does not need to be a difficult situation or an argument.

The brother might be thinking that he sees other family members on a regular basis and never sees or speaks to the OP (despite living around the corner) so he just did not invite her.

Or, as previously suggested if the brother thought that the OP would not go anyway he just didn't bother to invite her.

There could be any one of hundreds of reasons for the lack of invitation and this may be something really trivial.

One thing is for sure - there is only one way for the OP to find out.

I think a lot of this could be true. I also think that for some people emotions run high and comprimise doesn't deature highly in the run up their weddings (very sadly). Even if OP is exemplary in manners and the couple aren't communicative or are defensive then op will only feel worse.

If op wouldn't go to wedding anyway because her father is going, opening communication ina generous, no strings attached way can be followed up with better communication at a less ''emotive'' time and a relationship developed if thats what both she and her brother want. While it doesn'[t ''need'' to be a difficult situation chances are there are enough catalysts in place to make it one at the slightest excuse from either side. I'd just be magnanimous, give a gift that is neutral but celebratary and make it clear I expected nothing in return: f in any doubt this would be delivered....I cerytainly think delivered is better than dropped off by a husband in this case in case some one sees fit to make something out of nothing there.


FWIW none of our family were invited to ours, as we knew if it were one it would be all and any exception would lead to a situation where hurt was caused.

poppy_f1

im possibly going to sound a bit blunt and say if you dont have a relationship with your brother why should you expect a wedding invite
i know your a bit upset about the whole thing and im not trying to have a go but if it were my wedding then i wouldnt want someone there i dont have a relationship with them even if we were related

if you want to start a relationship with your brother then maybe this is the time but after the wedding as he may think beforehand will have an ulterior motive
x

jfdi

Why don't you (very discretely!) just go to the ceremony? IIRC they are still 'public' occasions & you shouldn't be refused access.

Sit at the back, watch the service & leave whilst they're signing the register? That way you've still been there, but are unlikely to accidentally bump into anyone you don't want to deal with.

A small gift or card would be a nice gesture too.

newcook

jfdi wrote: »

Why don't you (very discretely!) just go to the ceremony? IIRC they are still 'public' occasions & you shouldn't be refused access.

Sit at the back, watch the service & leave whilst they're signing the register? That way you've still been there, but are unlikely to accidentally bump into anyone you don't want to deal with.

A small gift or card would be a nice gesture too.

TBH I think thats an incredibly rude thing to do! if they wanted OP there they would have sent an invite - I think I would feel my day had been 'tainted' if someone I hadnt invited for whatever reason decided to come along anyway!

Any

poppy_f1 wrote: »

im possibly going to sound a bit blunt and say if you dont have a relationship with your brother why should you expect a wedding invite
i know your a bit upset about the whole thing and im not trying to have a go but if it were my wedding then i wouldnt want someone there i dont have a relationship with them even if we were related

if you want to start a relationship with your brother then maybe this is the time but after the wedding as he may think beforehand will have an ulterior motive
x

Agree with this.
Also - the history seems very weird. Was it an arranged marriage or why did you blame your parents from not saving you from your partner?

"almost friendly" to father at a family do and creating "atmosphere..." If they are speaking to him I am quite sure that explains the non invite..

There are probably good reasons why you don't have relationship with your family and so just think of that... If you choose to have no relationship then it should be no surprise.

lurvlyloz

big hugs x

jfdi

newcook wrote: »

TBH I think thats an incredibly rude thing to do! if they wanted OP there they would have sent an invite - I think I would feel my day had been 'tainted' if someone I hadnt invited for whatever reason decided to come along anyway!

Sorry you think that - my intention wasn't to offend other posters.

In my town most church weddings (OP didn't say where it was) have a gathering of locals at the back - usually coz they've heard the Bans being read etc. I had loads at my service & wouldn't have dreamt of asking them to leave, even had it been legal to do so.

Maybe other places have different traditions................

elvis86

There's obviously way more to the OP's family situation than meets the eye. Siblings who live 5 minutes from each other but don't see each other for more than a year? There's obviously a good reason for this.

I know it seems harsh, but if, for whatever reason, the rest of the OP's family are close and get on well, but they all have strained relationships with the OP, I can understand them not inviting her.

From the bride's perspective, would you want to worry about your big day being ruined for the sake of inviting your husband-to-be's sister (who, from the sounds of it, you've never met or at best barely know), who, for whatever reason has distanced herself from your husband-to-be and his family, purely so as not to upset her..? I don't think I'd be willing to take that chance.

I'm not being deliberately harsh, but you can't very well "choose to have a distant relationship with your family" (which in itself obviously makes for an awkward atmosphere when you do see them), and expect them to relish the idea of inviting you to family-orientated special occasions. You can't have it both ways.

If the OP has good reasons to want to remain distant from them, then she should do just that, and accept all that comes with it (ie not being invited to the wedding of the brother that you've not made the 5 minute journey to see in over a year).

clearing_out_my_pockets

jfdi wrote: »

Sorry you think that - my intention wasn't to offend other posters.

In my town most church weddings (OP didn't say where it was) have a gathering of locals at the back - usually coz they've heard the Bans being read etc. I had loads at my service & wouldn't have dreamt of asking them to leave, even had it been legal to do so.

Maybe other places have different traditions................

It's not so much about tradition - if the OP's brother is getting married in a registry office, they have a limit on numbers. If that limit is 70 (for example) and they've invited enough to fill that capacity, an 'uninvited guest' could mean that an invited guest cannot attend the ceremony.

Incidentally I had parishoners at my wedding a little while ago. One of whom was my uncle to whom I do not speak. Fortunately his wife had pre-warned me and asked if I minded them attending the ceremony.