Not invited to family wedding -surprisingly upset!

greytooyoung

This is my first post,although I am a long time lurker! My brother is getting married this week and I haven't been invited.I barely have a relationship with my siblings,there is no animosity and I love them both,but I have a very strained relationship with my mum and this has had it's effect as they both see loads of her and are all quite close.
I see my mum probably 5 times a year and we speak very occasionally on the phone - she loves me but doesn't like me much and makes it fairly obvious.I haven't spoken to my Dad for over 10 years (a personal choice which I am happy with-they are not together).
My mum mentioned she was getting a new outfit "for the wedding" and when I asked her who was getting married she said "your brother,you can come if you like".For some reason I was devastated that no one had told me,I wouldn't have gone anyway as my Dad will be there and I wouldn't want to create an atmosphere and spoil the day for my little brother (he's nearly 40!),but I sat and cried all over my poor husband for an hour!I don't know why I am so upset,I haven't seen my brother for over a year anyway,and I know they would all be shocked that I'm bothered.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

greytooyoung wrote: »

This is my first post,although I am a long time lurker! My brother is getting married this week and I haven't been invited.I barely have a relationship with my siblings,there is no animosity and I love them both,but I have a very strained relationship with my mum and this has had it's effect as they both see loads of her and are all quite close.
I see my mum probably 5 times a year and we speak very occasionally on the phone - she loves me but doesn't like me much and makes it fairly obvious.I haven't spoken to my Dad for over 10 years (a personal choice which I am happy with-they are not together).
My mum mentioned she was getting a new outfit "for the wedding" and when I asked her who was getting married she said "your brother,you can come if you like".For some reason I was devastated that no one had told me,I wouldn't have gone anyway as my Dad will be there and I wouldn't want to create an atmosphere and spoil the day for my little brother (he's nearly 40!),but I sat and cried all over my poor husband for an hour!I don't know why I am so upset,I haven't seen my brother for over a year anyway,and I know they would all be shocked that I'm bothered.

maybe this is why he didnt invite you? He might have known it would be a difficult day and wouldnt want that to over shadow his day?

He might not have realised how much it means to you

balletshoes

aw OP, thats sad. Maybe you could now make the first move and try to rekindle a relationship with your brother? Congratulate him on the wedding, take him a small gift?

CH27

greytooyoung wrote: »

This is my first post,although I am a long time lurker! My brother is getting married this week and I haven't been invited.I barely have a relationship with my siblings,there is no animosity and I love them both,but I have a very strained relationship with my mum and this has had it's effect as they both see loads of her and are all quite close.
I see my mum probably 5 times a year and we speak very occasionally on the phone - she loves me but doesn't like me much and makes it fairly obvious.I haven't spoken to my Dad for over 10 years (a personal choice which I am happy with-they are not together).
My mum mentioned she was getting a new outfit "for the wedding" and when I asked her who was getting married she said "your brother,you can come if you like".For some reason I was devastated that no one had told me,I wouldn't have gone anyway as my Dad will be there and I wouldn't want to create an atmosphere and spoil the day for my little brother (he's nearly 40!),but I sat and cried all over my poor husband for an hour!I don't know why I am so upset,I haven't seen my brother for over a year anyway,and I know they would all be shocked that I'm bothered.

I'd be upset too.
Maybe they didn't invite you as they knew you wouldn't go.

I'd send a nice card to your brother wishing him happiness in his marriage & make sure you're busy on the day so you can't brood about it.

Sally_A

There is a big difference between not wanting to go, and not being asked to go.

If you have a contact number, text your brother and wish him well for the wedding day.

helphelphelphelp

I do feel for you. I found out my step brother was engaged when he announced it on facebook, and only heard about his engagement party that way too. I also wasnt invited to that (the rest of the family were, including my dad). Like you I probably wouldnt have gone due to distance and child care issues, but still, an invite to decline would have been nice. It does hurt to be excluded!

(ps - he is no longer a friend on facebook!)

greytooyoung

Yes,you're probably right,to be honest I am surprised myself how hurt I feel - my relationship with my family is very distant,really by choice.
Last time I went to a family occasion my mum rang me the next day to tell me how awful I had made it for everyone and how uncomfortable,and how I'd created an awful atmosphere.My Dad was unexpectedly there but I said hello, was very civil and friendly almost.
I was distraught that I'd spoiled it,when I'd tried so hard not to.
I am probably just over- reacting , I spent almost 10 years in therapy to try and deal with my abusive ex and what I perceived as my parent's failure to "save" me from it.I understand that this has affected all my other relationships,and I generally find family of any kind difficult to cope with.
I just don't know why I feel so sad - my poor husband is more than a little shocked at my reaction.Thanks for your post.:o

greytooyoung

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to my post,I feel surprisingly better!
I don't have my brothers phone number but he lives 5 mins away so perhaps I will get a nice gift and card and get hubby to pop it round. I wouldn't want to guilt-trip him by going myself,so he feels like he has to ask me . Hopefully he will have a lovely day and know that I wish him well.

make_me_wise

What would help you the most to come to terms with this? Would it help you to speak to your brother? There is a huge difference between not attending bog standard family gatherings and not being invited to the wedding of a sibling. I am not surprised you are upset.

I would have been inconsolable to miss my brother get married. Dont let this fester and upset you hun. Decide what you want to do to put things right and find a way to put that into practice.

meritaten

I would say just as you did in your last post - get a nice gift and get hubby to pop it round. with a card saying that you will be thinking of him and wishing him and his bride a long and happy marraige. Not to guilt trip him, but genuinely wishing them well!
then go out for the day! have fun and forget about the wedding!

Tish_P

Just chipping in to agree with the others - poor you! It's hurtful to be left out, and it's not always about jealousy - sometimes just sadness that you drifted apart in the first place, if you see what I mean.
Send them some champagne if you can afford it, and certainly send a nice card wishing them all the best in their lives together and making it clear that the door's open if they decide make more contact in future. That's all you can do and it's the most graceful response to the situation. He might have held off from telling you he was getting married out of awkwardness at who to invite, which doesn't make his leaving you out any less upsetting but might make it a bit more understandable.