Arghhh - any thoughts please!

pinkshoes

Poodlecrazy wrote: »

he is very insecure and is convinced I will cheat as this has been a problem for him in the past with ex's.

I'm surprised you put up with his insecurity, as either he trusts you or he doesn't. It's not hard!

He may have been hurt in the past by his ex, but that was his ex, and this is a new relationship, so he needs to trust you.

Personally I'd just lay it on the line, tell him you love him, are willing to help him, but will not put up with his insecurity and throwing his toys out the pram, so he either mans up, or you'll walk!

threemuttleys

sorry to be blunt...but I would ditch him

Poodlecrazy

Thanks all! Plenty of different opinions and certainly food for thought.

I'm opting for a bit of distance but quiet reassurance as although I don't want to add to insecurities or stress ultimately I don't intend to tread on eggshells for the rest of my life so to a certain extent he will have to stop taking things out on me to such an extent.

I will let you know how I get on!
x

Errata

Poodlecrazy wrote: »

Thanks all! Plenty of different opinions and certainly food for thought.

I'm opting for a bit of distance but quiet reassurance as although I don't want to add to insecurities or stress ultimately I don't intend to tread on eggshells for the rest of my life so to a certain extent he will have to stop taking things out on me to such an extent.

I will let you know how I get on!
x

Maybe that's what his two previous wives decided. Leopards don't change their spots, and it may be that he has a bottomless 'I need reassurance' hole which nobody could ever fill to his satisfaction.

Plans_all_plans

Yep, if the "twice divorced" doesn't tell you all you need to know about him, then I don't know what anything we can say on here will do.

FagAshLil

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Yep, if the "twice divorced" doesn't tell you all you need to know about him, then I don't know what anything we can say on here will do.

Oh dear.

I'm twice divorced because I was stupid enough to marry two needy men!

Luckily I've learned my lesson now and have no interest in ever marrying again. That's just as well if I'm written off as damaged goods!

Poodlecrazy

Thanks all I do really appreciate the differnt opinions. I sent a jolly message a couple of hours ago not discussing his problems but thanking him for sorting something out for me which he told me he had done earlier today and then just telling him about my day. Haven't had a response which is slightly annoying as if I don't respond within minutes he gets very ratty. I realise I am the stronger one at the moment though so need to be teh one to take teh slack so to speak.

I don't think it's fair to judge someone purely on the divorced twice fact, they both ended for very genuine reasons and although I've never been married I would seriously hope that no-one judged me immediately based on the fact that I've had multiple previous relationships etc. I'm judging him on how he is NOW which admitedly leaves a lot to be desired but I'm in the present not the past.

When things calm down I do intend to sit down with him and make it clear that I support him but I have struggled during this period as he says he wants space so I don't communicate until he communicates but then in another breath is needy for a quick response. I'm not a mindreader.

It does generate quite an interesting thought though about how women are becoming much more able and I think it is harder to navigate when the roles are much more blurred than they may have been several generations ago.
x

Plans_all_plans

Poodlecrazy wrote: »

I don't think it's fair to judge someone purely on the divorced twice fact, they both ended for very genuine reasons and although I've never been married I would seriously hope that no-one judged me immediately based on the fact that I've had multiple previous relationships etc.

Well if he was twice divorced and acting fairly sensibly to you then I could understand why you'd give him the benefit of the doubt, although personally I wouldn't.

As it stands, he's exhibiting behaviour that you're having problems with and his past history has not been full of happy endings, so if you're wise, I'd leave it for now.

Poodlecrazy

I do take yours (and a couple of the others who have said run a mile) points and this is where my difficulty lies. Aside from this period of stress he has been perfect in every way and I'm not the most tolerant so those that have told me to have more empathy also have a valid point. So yes whilst there is certainly an argument to say run a mile there;s also an argument to say be a bit more sympathetic.

I guess I will just have to wait it out a bit and see as in reality it is the way he deals with this and how we move on from this period that will be the real test as to whether we have a future.
x

candygirl

FagAshLil wrote: »

Oh dear.

I'm twice divorced because I was stupid enough to marry two needy men!

Luckily I've learned my lesson now and have no interest in ever marrying again. That's just as well if I'm written off as damaged goods!

I've been married twice too.Shall we start a damaged goods club?:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: