Arghhh - any thoughts please!

Poodlecrazy

Hi all

Just a quick bit of guidance needed to deal witha tricky situation. I'm a very driven and instant person so need to be talked down from instant reactions lol.

Me and W have been together for just under a year, we met through work which resulted in him being disciplined as he was a superior. He is still battling that although it should be resolved shortly. He also has financial difficulties due to his last divorce (he has been married twice before) and recently problems with the ex marital home which is still his responsibiltiy. Basically he has it coming at him from all sides.

I'm massively independent and this makes him feel insecure, he has told me several times that he is feeling vulnerable and I've always reassured him that he has no reason to be insecure with me. Anyhow he has recently had a few more issues piled onto him (or rather the culmination of a few of the existing issues) and his stress is much worse, it is impacting on his health. I would add that he is quite 'dramatic' for example with his disciplinary in work he was convinced he'd be sacked turned out he had a warning etc so I tend to take his drama with a bit of a pinch of salt.

We spoke today as we live about 200 miles apart but I had been with him this week and he was trying to sort out a financial crisis but was very snappy with me and in his usual way dramatic so the call ended. I keep trying to offer suggestions, he accuses me of adding to the stress so I left it. The result was a long text conversation (I know this is a bad way to communicate but it's the way it happened) and it started with him being dramatic about how he can't possibly make me happy right now and I should live my life till he has it sorted. In keeping with his normal dramatic behaviour I just brushed it off a bit and said that's fine I'm busy at the moment and we'll see each other when we can (he was saying how he couldn't come and visit for months at this rate blah blah). Once he realised that I wasn't really gettign wrapped up in the tantrum one message he sent said "once it sorted (and listed a few things) we will be ok provided u can wait". I said it's not really waiting and anyhow you'd do the same for me so fine. Obv he didn't get that message immediately as he responded quickly asking again whether I'd wait. I responded positively saying I wasn't going to run because of a difficult period.

It's also hard as I earn a good living (actually we both do) but things such as credit have never been an issue for me and I can afford a good lifestyle on my own which doesn't help his insecurity.

Again a message I sent was delayed and I got a response asking whether I was ignoring him. I re-iterated that I wasn't ignoring him at all and that I was on my way out and to text / call me whenever he needed a hug. I had nothing back I have just sent another message saying that I was back but having an early night and would speak to him soon adn love him. We will see, I have no intention of contacting him again for a while.

He is one for throwign toys out of the pram then realising it's not all that bad and stepping back (he does that in all aspects of life not just with me) so my gut reaction is to let it wash over btu he is very insecure and is convinced I will cheat as this has been a problem for him in the past with ex's. I'm actually really busy at the moment so I'm secretly a bit glad to have time to get my own house in order as trying to deal with his problems has been exhausting but obviously I want to do the best for our relationship long term.

All thoughts / advice appreciated!
xx

FagAshLil

Oh dear! He sounds a bit needy, love and I'm sure you have better things to do than pander to his 'tantrums'.

I think you're right to leave things alone for a bit - let him sort himself out and if/when he does, then he needs to show you how he can enhance YOUR life, rather than the other way around.

Good luck!

Poodlecrazy

Thanks it's very frustrating and I'm so blinking positive (to the point of annoyance) and see that it probably doesn't help him when I'm coming up with suggestion after suggestion.

I'm leaving him to it as I don't think I have any other choice, hopefully when he sees that he can deal with everything and come through the other side he will return in a better frame of mind. Just wondered how other people handle these types of situations as simply ignoring a loved one who is clearly in distress is sooo against my nature

x

inspirespirit

You sound quite unempathetic tbh. The bloke is obviously having a crisis at the moment, and a lot of it appears to be to do with you. He is having problems at work because of your relationship, on top of that he is having financial issues and problems with divorce.

Maybe when he was saying he would not be able to come to see you (200 miles each way is a costly business), he was hoping you would say, don't worry sweetheart, cos I will make the effort to come and see you. He sounds like he needs support at the moment.

You are obviously very able to cope without him at the moment. If the boot were on the other foot, and you had the stresses and worries he has and needed re-assurance from him, how would you feel if he thought you were just being over dramatic and throwing your dolly out of your pram.

Maybe you should look for someone a bit more like yourself.

summerday

It's a complicated sitiation, obviously. Perhaps you could regularly send him cards or small treats etc to let him know that you're thinking of him and still care about him- the distance as well as all the other factors mean that it's not surprising he feels insecure about your relationship. It may also help you to feel better and that you're not 'ignoring' him.

I hope all his issues get sorted and you can make a real go of things. x

dumpy

Hmmmm, sounds a bit familiar to me.

My ex was like this, he was very needy, and kept saying he thought I would run off with someone, gradually he eroded "me", it became easier to not go out as he would have a hissy fit. He constantly wanted reassurance and whatever I did it wasn't enough. If I didn't ring "I was ignoring him and run off with someone else" , I turned down work, as it meant a day away and he didn't want me to go.

He had a list as long as his arm of things that his ex's had done to him which all sounded awful. BUT I gradually found out that he wasn't as white as he painted himself. They apparently ran up debts but whilst with me he didn't address his own spending habits (I paid all the bills, he bought crap) and I slowly realised that HE was the problem. I consider myself quite bright but boy was I blind to this.

At the start I thought it was great that he cared about me so much but it wasn't, he cared about himself, not me.

Probably not what you want to hear but someone as needy as that with past ex's........... Do you need them?

Plans_all_plans

Well from what you said, he has seriously bad judgment and I would personally be running a mile.

Errata

It sounds like he's pulling your strings. He says blah blah and you reassure him, then he says ummm errrr and you reassure him, then he says yeah but its thingy and you reassure him. It's the same script over and over again. One of you needs to learn a new part.

Poodlecrazy

Hi

Thanks everyone helps to vent! I know I come across as being unempathetic but believe me I haven't said half of this to him so my thoughts on the drama etc aren't known. I have offered him total support and visited last week as well as saying I would do so until he was sorted. When he is in that sort of mood however he doesn't want solutions like that and will throw up other problems. He's the type where if he had a cut he would be 'bleeding to death' until 30 min later when it was realised not to be that bad and then it would be forgotten so I've learnt to filter things until the dust settles a bit.

Anyhow he messaged me at lunchtime to say that he was making progress adn that he knew I loved him. I hadn't responded as I was driving and 45 min later got a chaser so clearly space is not what he's after. I guess I just have to learn to not really take any rant seriously initially at least!

Thanks as well about the warnings re needy people it will certainly be something I will watch for although it will take a lot to stop my life in its tracks!!
x

make_me_wise

Does this relationship really do anything for you? I mean that as a genuine question. You sound like an ambitious, happy, confidant and capable woman. What does a bloke with so much baggage, attitude problems and insecurities add to your life?

Find yourself a fun, easy going bloke who you can have a laugh with is my advice. Life is way to short for all this carp.

FBaby

I dont think he is needy, just going through a really difficult time and it sounds like you might not be in a position to really understand. I have been through a disciplinary totally unexpectedly, and even though the thought of being sacked seemed ludicrous, the prospect of it was so scary, I did feel under massive stress.

Of course your being independent is frighting him under the circumstances. It sounds like he has lost, or almost lost a lot and he clearly doesn't want to lose you too. I don't think you are doing anything wrong in the way you are dealing with it all, but if you consider his attitude to be melodramatic, it might end up with him feeling you are not at all sympathetic towards him. I suspect what he needs his reassurance of your commitment beyond you telling him that you love him. It doesn't mean you have to give him more than you want to, but his reaction under the circumstances is not that surprising.

Just read your last message, i think you are dealing with it the best you can, being there for him even if he makes it that he wants space. People under massive stress are never much fun, but you need to trust things will get sorted and he will be back to being the lovely man you met.