ex suddenly wants to exercise his rights!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

OP - If your daughter called her fathers new girlfriend "mummy" how would you react? You shouldn't be encouraging "daddym"

Regards to holiday - he needs to know by law, well in advance. He could try and atop you going abroad If he can prove you aren't coming back but as long as your up front with dates and a rough location then you will be fine

tea-tart-and-rice_3

I think the OP needs to answer some basic questions before we can either advise or support appropriately.

Were you and the father of DD married?

If not, did you go together when you registered her birth?

If you can answer yes to either of these questions then your ex does indeed have parental responsibility by law and therefore does have a legal right to be informed/consulted as to religion/schooling/medical treatment etc. It does not guarantee him contact although of course there would have to be better reason than him not having bothered i.e. abuse, neglect, drug/alcohol problems or violence for contact to not be at least considered by a Court.

Both of you have a legal responsibiltiy to financially support DD regardless of parental responsibility.

If the answer to the first two questions is no then to qualify for the privileges he is now asking for, unless you are granting him them willingly will have to be applied for to the Courts, by him.

You comment that you are worried that he may take DD away and you'd never see her, if your Ex is of another nationality to you and has DD passport and has a history of erratic behaviour then this may be a concern. Overnight contact also is a worry of yours, at the moment there is no contact it would seem, either direct or indirect so overnight staying contact is way off into the future and can be built up over time.

OP, Im not being funny but you need to let us know more about your situation as above.

It would also be helpful to know how "new" your relationship with your partner is and although you say your DD gets on brilliantly and he has become a paternal role model for DD, he also has to accept that your ex is very much a part of your DD life whether he has been involved or not. If he is anything of a man worth hanging onto he will perhaps read your thread and see past playing daddy and have only you and your DDs best interests at heart.

From your posts we know very little about your ex other than he has had very little to do with you or DD for some time and this has now been rekindled by his seemingly settling down. Is he generally a good man or does he have violence/abuse issues?

You have to weigh up any disruption with what is right for your little girl. As I posted in my first post in response to yours there were times I wish I could have just run away so that I did not have to have anything to do with my ex but I feel I did the right thing, albeit through gritted teeth and we all made it in one piece! I can fully empathise with your distress but please, if you feel you can, give us a bit more to go on, thanks, x

DitaVonTee

Parental rights for the father, mean absolutely nothing.

My hubby fought for 2 years to see a child of his from a previous relationship in his naivety he thought he would be able to 'exercise his parental rights'...WRONG!

We had to give up that fight because basically it we're drilling a massive hole in our savings, £12,000 pounds spent two years down the line and he were still no closer to seeing his child.

Hope this helps, and I hope he's willing to spend some serious money fighting his cause as I guarantee it will get him absolutely nowhere.

make_me_wise

mummymoo wrote: »

I hope this is the right place to post this, if not can someone move it to the correct place. thanks

My ex has decided to exercise his parental rights regarding our daughter (5yo). I have tried to look up and understand exactly what he can and can't do without going to court, but am confused. At the moment there is no court order regarding our child. He sees her every 3rd Saturday (there are reasons why he can't have her to stay at the moment), and we are in disagreement about Christmas, he wants to get involved in her school, and wants to know when we take her on holiday.

When he first left he did not want anything to do with her, then he saw her regularly, then changed jobs and didn't see her for a while. Since he has got a new girlfriend he is much more keen to be active in our childs life. I realise this may sound like I am a bad person, but she is so happy in our new home with my new partner (who adores her) and he doesn't get how to discipline/feed/cloth/play with her. He promises her things, and then never follows through and we have to pick up the pieces. He has banned her from calling my partner daddy (her choise, I have never used that word) Please can someone advice, or suggest a website where I can try to put my mind at rest as to how much disruption he can have on our life (I have never shut him out or stopped him seeing her, it has been his choice)

Thank you

Hmmmmm the bit that I have highlighted struck a chord with me. Good luck to your ex trying to inforce that. Its not up to him, you or your partner who your daughter decides to call 'daddy'. She will give that priviledge to the man who is there for her no matter what, cheers on every achievement, wipes away every tear, calmly deals with every strop and tantrum, bothers to go to sports day/nativity/parents evenings etc etc.

If your ex wants to get involved with her schooling, tell him to contact the school and arrange for them send him his own copies of school reports, invitations to parents evenings and other significant events.

Personally I would let him know when/where you are going on holiday. Imagine him going away with her and you having no idea where they were. It wouldn't be a nice feeling.

As for Xmas, that is difficult. My cousins parents split when they were young. They would go to their dads house the morning of Xmas Eve and stay with him till after lunch Xmas day, then go back to their mums Xmas afternoon. The following year they spent Xmas eve with their mum and went to their dads after lunch Xmas day.

I know it is very easy for me to say but when you have a relationship that has ended and kids are involved you have to think outside the box a bit when it comes to special occasions. Otherwise you would drive yourself mad and cause upset and anxiety to a little kid who will just want to please everyone. As long as you can always look back and know you celebrated Xmas together and had a fab time will it matter whether it was all done a day or so out.

Pick your battles is my advice.

sulkisu

make_me_wise wrote: »

Hmmmmm the bit that I have highlighted struck a chord with me. Good luck to your ex trying to inforce that. Its not up to him, you or your partner who your daughter decides to call 'daddy'. She will give that priviledge to the man who is there for her no matter what, cheers on every achievement, wipes away every tear, calmly deals with every strop and tantrum, bothers to go to sports day/nativity/parents evenings etc etc.

If your ex wants to get involved with her schooling, tell him to contact the school and arrange for them send him his own copies of school reports, invitations to parents evenings and other significant events.

Personally I would let him know when/where you are going on holiday. Imagine him going away with her and you having no idea where they were. It wouldn't be a nice feeling.

As for Xmas, that is difficult. My cousins parents split when they were young. They would go to their dads house the morning of Xmas Eve and stay with him till after lunch Xmas day, then go back to their mums Xmas afternoon. The following year they spent Xmas eve with their mum and went to their dads after lunch Xmas day.

I know it is very easy for me to say but when you have a relationship that has ended and kids are involved you have to think outside the box a bit when it comes to special occasions. Otherwise you would drive yourself mad and cause upset and anxiety to a little kid who will just want to please everyone. As long as you can always look back and know you celebrated Xmas together and had a fab time will it matter whether it was all done a day or so out.

Pick your battles is my advice.

I have hi-lighted the part that struck a chord with me. I think that this is probably true with older children but not at the age of five. Speaking from experience, I think that I called each and every one of my mother's many boyfriends 'daddy'. Nobody stopped me or corrected me or even explained to me what a 'daddy' really was. I was about 7 when a friend innocently asked me how x (who was picking me up from school) could be my dad when he wasn't before (she had met one of my previous dad's). I thought 'daddy' meant that you slept in mummy's bed . Talk about confused.

PS - I'm not suggesting that OP has many boyfriends.

Sally_A

This follows a very similar pattern to what I have seen over the years with my mates.

Bloke leaves, abandons children, meets new bird, needs to show he really is a loving caring bloke deep down and ex wife/girlfriend is the real hariden in the situation.

Takes kid(s) out, is Mr Fun for 2 hours, winds kids up, when they are overexcited and getting out of control or teary, dumps them back on Ms Ex to cope with the tears and tantrums.

Unless he's willing to have them for more than a couple of hours, eg overnight, to experience their tantrums, over tiredness, get ready for school in the mornings, pack their lunches, take time off unexpectedly when they are ill etc etc - he can go swivel on a big stick.

Ex's who don't give a toss until they meet a new partner they care about and have to pretend they are a doting dad really get my goat.
They treat their kids as accessories to impress a new partner.

GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

popadom

FBaby wrote: »

I totally disagree with this. Your partner is not her daddy end of it.

.

"Almost Any Man Can Be A Father It Takes Someone Extremely Special To Be A Dad"

If this guy is more of a dad to her, (dosnt flit in and out of her life/upset her ect like her "father") then there maybe a time when the real dad finally walks out and leaves the girl . i think its nice that this other guy will take her on as his own, not many people will do that.

popadom

DitaVonTee wrote: »

Parental rights for the father, mean absolutely nothing.

My hubby fought for 2 years to see a child of his from a previous relationship in his naivety he thought he would be able to 'exercise his parental rights'...WRONG!

We had to give up that fight because basically it we're drilling a massive hole in our savings, £12,000 pounds spent two years down the line and he were still no closer to seeing his child.

Hope this helps, and I hope he's willing to spend some serious money fighting his cause as I guarantee it will get him absolutely nowhere.

Does he still have to pay for the child? I wasnt sure that if the father wasnt allowed access, that he still have to pay.(I know most dads would anyway, but it would be very unfair)

fannyanna

popadom wrote: »

Does he still have to pay for the child? I wasnt sure that if the father wasnt allowed access, that he still have to pay.(I know most dads would anyway, but it would be very unfair)

Obviously can't respond on behalf of dita but in general yes - even if access is witheld child maintenance is still due.

DitaVonTee

popadom wrote: »

Does he still have to pay for the child? I wasnt sure that if the father wasnt allowed access, that he still have to pay.(I know most dads would anyway, but it would be very unfair)

Yes he still has to pay child support and has done since the day she was born.

He went in for access with his eyes completely closed, by the time I'd met him his DD was 9 months old and he were advised access and CSA were two seperate cases stupidly because he'd been paying it he thought it would give him more right to see her, that was wrong.

He's never been given any access rights whatsoever, yet hubby is a hard working man, with a nice supportive family around him, nice home etc so had a good supportive network around him but ex kept digging her heels in saying this and that werent good enough - her problem was she didn't want him seeing their daughter unless any meetings took place at her mothers - which was okay for a while hubby put up with that just to see his daughter - but he'd go down there and infact be treated like a twit, wasn't allowed to hold her, feed her, change her nappy etc - basically just sat there watching her which is why in the end he went to court to fight for access but he had to give up it was getting silly as to regards the money being spent trying to see her 2 years down the line we'd spent £12,000 and were still no closer to seeing her, letting her spend time here with us and her new baby sister. It was all getting a bit stupid really, we'd even had visits from social services to check us out, check out where she'd be spending her two hours a week with us - that's all he ever asked, 2 hours a week - yet this woman was dispicable using every excuse under the sun why she didn't want any of that to happen.

We finally got our day in court only we didn't turn up our solicitor turned in for us to inform the court of our decision and the reasons why we'd sadly chosen to give up the fight (afterall, life goes on it never ends, money don't grow on trees either) - Judge in court after having read all the reports going back two years called her ''A nasty, selfish & dispicable woman robbing her daughter the chance of spending time with what seemed to appear on the surface of things a nice little family unit and one where he felt she would flourish''

What we have done is, kept every reciept of the money spent fighting to see her, kept all the social services reports, solicitors letters etc So, if by some day she does come knocking (and I feel she may well do as we only live locally) we can show her, that we did try etc it was just made extremely difficult for us. He always remembers her on her birthday and Christmas too without fail whether those cards and presents get to her remains to be seen, but again, every reciept for everything weve purchased over the years for her is contained in a folder along with all the legal paperwork/reciepts pertained to the fight we put up just to see her two hours a week.

I agree that if a father cannot see his children because the mother is making things extremely difficult, they shouldn't have to pay anything. It's wrong.