ex suddenly wants to exercise his rights!

mummymoo_2

I hope this is the right place to post this, if not can someone move it to the correct place. thanks

My ex has decided to exercise his parental rights regarding our daughter (5yo). I have tried to look up and understand exactly what he can and can't do without going to court, but am confused. At the moment there is no court order regarding our child. He sees her every 3rd Saturday (there are reasons why he can't have her to stay at the moment), and we are in disagreement about Christmas, he wants to get involved in her school, and wants to know when we take her on holiday.

When he first left he did not want anything to do with her, then he saw her regularly, then changed jobs and didn't see her for a while. Since he has got a new girlfriend he is much more keen to be active in our childs life. I realise this may sound like I am a bad person, but she is so happy in our new home with my new partner (who adores her) and he doesn't get how to discipline/feed/cloth/play with her. He promises her things, and then never follows through and we have to pick up the pieces. He has banned her from calling my partner daddy (her choise, I have never used that word) Please can someone advice, or suggest a website where I can try to put my mind at rest as to how much disruption he can have on our life (I have never shut him out or stopped him seeing her, it has been his choice)

Thank you

marywooyeah

get down to a family law solicitor as soon as you can, they can advise you properly as to what both he and you can do. you usually get half an hour free and they will work out if you are eligible for legal aid or not, and you wouldn't be under any obligation to instruct them either.

Pee

Chances are his new girlfriend thinks he's strange not wanting to have anything to do with his daughter, cue him showing an interest which may or may not last. I would involve him as much as possible and hope that he does retain an interest, as that will be best for your daughter in the longer run. I think it can lead to problems forming relationships as an adult if a girl feels abandoned or unwanted by her father. Does he have parental responsibility?

BitterAndTwisted

Erm. a father wants to have more contact and involvement with his child and this is supposed to be a bad thing? I can't see how or why more contact could be considered an unreasonable thing to want, whatever the circumstances.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

He definatley gets access.

Schooling - I dont see why he shouldnt be involved in this?

"Daddy" - I dont personally think children should call A.N.Other "daddy" when there's is about. But your ex needs to understand its ultimatley up to the child

He has a legal right to know when and where you go on holiday (I've been through all this, with solicitors)

I think you do need to speak to him about the promises he doesnt keep

You should be happy he wants to be involved

purplepardalis

I agree. If he wants to be involved in schooling etc then you should not kick up a fuss. It's not about you (please don read that in a harsh way!) it's about your daughter being parented by her mother and father and growing up with both of you in her life.

By the way, I am a step mum so have some experience in this situation!

Debbie_A_3

I think that it is good and healthy that a father wants to be part of his daughter's life.

What is not so good is the apparant stop-start nature of his interest. I wonder if he realises what it does to you? and what it will do to your daughter? ("does Daddy still want to know me?"). Goodness, adults can be so selfish sometimes.

I agree with mary w y about the legal advice. The other person to contact might be his new gf. I wouldn't fancy doing this myself but it might be helpful to talk to her directly rather than via your daughter (which will happen if the gf stays around). If the gf is behind your ex's recent interest in his daughter, you might find you get more sense out of her than you do out of your ex.

As for names your children use. *Nobody* can tell a child who they can call mummy or daddy. Those terms are personal to the child. Lots of non-genetic parental figures deserve the terms; lots of genetic parents don't.

Debbie

mummymoo_2

Ok, I not going to get defensive - I know having him in her life should be a good thing - but it is hard. I guess a solicitor is the only option (except I have no money which is why I was hoping for some advice).

If she is in school, can he insist she changes school? Can I insist he tells me when he is going to show up at the school (so I can prepare DD), Can he stop us going to church (CofE) if he is catholic (not practicing and got married in CofE church!), how long in advance of holidays do I have to tell him (they do not interfere in his days seeing her), and can he stop us going?

Sorry, just really stressed about this.

thanks

purplepardalis

It will be hard for you but lovely for your daughter if he is genuine and keeps up contact. If he doesn't then it is better if you do not try and protect your daughter from seeing what he is like. She needs to grow up having her own judgement of her father as it will form a basis for her adult relationship with him.

As for schools etc, the decisions should be made by both of you in a non heated, non emotional way. You will have the best interests of your daughter in mind so you should both come to the right decision.

I may be sounding like Miss Over Optimistic here but start like that and it should serve you well.

Deep breaths, smile, focus on your daughter.

mummymoo_2

purplepardalis wrote: »

It will be hard for you but lovely for your daughter if he is genuine and keeps up contact. If he doesn't then it is better if you do not try and protect your daughter from seeing what he is like. She needs to grow up having her own judgement of her father as it will form a basis for her adult relationship with him.

As for schools etc, the decisions should be made by both of you in a non heated, non emotional way. You will have the best interests of your daughter in mind so you should both come to the right decision.


I may be sounding like Miss Over Optimistic here but start like that and it should serve you well.


Deep breaths, smile, focus on your daughter.

He was not taking interest when she started school, so he was not consulted (was that wrong?)

No, you are right, its just hard as I know it won't last and I really don't want her to get hurt - but know I have to let it happen.


Thank you for your lovely reply

tea-tart-and-rice_3

Have been in this situation (almost) and my DD is now 18 and makes her own choices completely but I have to tell you that you either have to make some serious compromises or you are going to have a very long road ahead with your DD only being still a tiddler.

I can only echo the other advice offered before me and that is get yourself to a good family law firm asap! Get some recommendations if you can, there are a lot of "chocolate teapots" within the legal world (sadly I have experienced the "wet & droopy drawers" approach and the feisty (I would choose feisty every time) and you are going to need good solid, fair, but baised towards you, advice.

It may well be that your ex' sudden interest in your DD has been driven by his new relationship which may or may not work out. Often absent parents, away from the day-to-dayness of raising a child can be blind to the emotional effects inconsistent contact can have and you are going to have to take a huge leap of faith in letting contact re-establish slowly and hope with all your heart that your ex does not let you or your DD down.

As to my own personal experience there were many times during the thankless years and daily stress of raising a child alone I wished I had the courage to move away, change identities, emigrate even which would have alleviated the stresses for me my ex' inconsistent & cavalier attitude towards contact, financial support, differences in opinion in just about everything caused. However, my daughter's eyes lit up when she saw her daddy and with hindsight he was (and still is) a pretty good dad to her and that was all that mattered at the end of the day. Its easier now of course to see if that way, in fact on my DD 18 birthday I selfishly felt an enormous wave of relief wash over me that the legal side of our "relationship" was over which is very sad. My own view of course was largely bitter because of the breakup, the fact that he still wanted to play daddy on his terms and when it suited and he went to extraordinary lengths to avoid paying child support even though the CSA were involved from when she was just 8 (and I am now at long last, ironically after she is 18, now receiving arrears at £34 per week, which will take nearly 10 years to repay).

you don't say in your OP is you were married to your ex or not. You might want to check out the directgove site on parents rights
(as a new user (re-joined) I am unable to post with links but its at www direct gov uk / en / parents/ parentsright
Basically if you were married to your ex then he has automatic parental responsibility which will entitle him to all the things you say he is trying to now claim. If you were not married to him but registered the birth of your daughter together then again he has parental responsibility. If you were not married and he did not accompany you to register her birth and does not have a court order for parental responsibility then he is not entitled to any of the issues you raise and would have to apply to the court before he could legally enforce any of the issues that you are worrying about.

also, whilst it is great that your DD gets on wonderfully with your new partner your DD should really be discouraged in calling him Daddy. If she is calling him so, you might want try to encourage by example by calling him Daddy "John" (or whatever his name is) so she has a simplistic difference in her mind. Your new partner should be happy to facilitate this and indeed encourage this himself. How new is this relationship? I have since remarried when my DD2 was 11 and my husband has never expected to be called Dad nor would I want him to. All my girls talk of my husband as their step-dad which is of course what he is, for example, "my step-dad is picking me up" or "my step-dad works..." Life can get very confusing for a child I imagine if a succession of "daddies" are presented throughout their childhood. All I am saying is - imagine in a year's time, and your new relationship hasn't worked out, your DD will see this through her young eyes and see that she has been abandoned by another Daddy thus enforcing a thought that Daddies don't stick around. As previously, if she is calling your new partner Daddy encourage her not to or at the very least add his christian name to the mix and try to phase the "daddy" bit out. This needs to come from you though, your new partner probably wont like it but it he wants to do the right thing by you and your DD then he should.

I know just how hard all this is on you because Ive been there, done it and have a large range of t-shirts in all the colours, but, and its a grown up "light-bulb moment" but you (and me) created this child with this man and were happy with that choice at the time. Its not you this is about its your DD and for your own sanity and the peace in your heart, trust me you will have to find a way to allow the compromises I mention in my opening sentence because life will be sweeter if you do.

I do hope this tale helps you a little, I hope I am not sticking my neck out by saying you sound very young yourself, and a lot of what I have written is given with a probably more life experience & wrinkles! Even so, if I could re-write time I would change a lot of things but if I were able, I would not have "not had" my DD2 because she is beautiful, intelligent, funny, loyal and compassionate (despite her having her Dad's eyes (!)) and a credit to us both even though we hated each other!

I wish you well and hope you update your thread in the future so we know how things have gone for you and your DD. x