Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things

michaels

My boss managed to get his mum to stay in a home by starting it as a 'temporary thing' until 'specific problem' (recovering from a fall but make your own reason - house being sorted out, boiler broken...) was solved and then just strung it out until his old realised that actually the home was better than living at their actual home.

GDB2222

PasturesNew wrote: »

Unfortunately, against their better judgement, they have to follow those daft PC rules about the old having rights and being able to make decisions. They said they can't stop her leaving if she insists, but they know she couldn't safely make it home alone and wandering. They can't lock the old in as it's non-PC to "insist" and tell people what to do.

The home are trying to get her to be happy/stay, but at the end of the day if the old simply stands up and demands to be let out as they're coming home they have to let them.... although she did say to me she couldn't allow that and she'd get her personal car out and drive her home for safety .... but the home is not allowed to block the old's decision to leave there/come home.... and if the old were mentally/physically able to cover the distance safely then the first I'd know about it would be when the old rang the doorbell.

Change the locks, quick! I'm really quite worried for you that you'll get roped in as nurse/housekeeper for the rest of your mum's life.

I also am shocked that your sibs aren't helping.

lostinrates

PasturesNew wrote: »

Unfortunately, against their better judgement, they have to follow those daft PC rules about the old having rights and being able to make decisions. They said they can't stop her leaving if she insists, but they know she couldn't safely make it home alone and wandering. They can't lock the old in as it's non-PC to "insist" and tell people what to do.

The home are trying to get her to be happy/stay, but at the end of the day if the old simply stands up and demands to be let out as they're coming home they have to let them.... although she did say to me she couldn't allow that and she'd get her personal car out and drive her home for safety .... but the home is not allowed to block the old's decision to leave there/come home.... and if the old were mentally/physically able to cover the distance safely then the first I'd know about it would be when the old rang the doorbell.

Um, they can.....my granny was in a secure home because she and others like her kept wandering off. Maybe you need a diagnosis for that though.

My granny was quite convincing though, loads of builders etc let her out, because she'd look at them grin and say ''Preparing for your future Boys? Its terrifying, everytime I come here to visit my friend I get closer to it, I've left my handbag in the car this time'' and then slip out the door they had politely held open for her....which was a secure door.

She got a fair way away too sometimes....once she walked about six miles on foot to the next town........:eek:

LydiaJ

PasturesNew wrote: »

Unfortunately, against their better judgement, they have to follow those daft PC rules about the old having rights and being able to make decisions. They said they can't stop her leaving if she insists, but they know she couldn't safely make it home alone and wandering. They can't lock the old in as it's non-PC to "insist" and tell people what to do.

The home are trying to get her to be happy/stay, but at the end of the day if the old simply stands up and demands to be let out as they're coming home they have to let them.... although she did say to me she couldn't allow that and she'd get her personal car out and drive her home for safety .... but the home is not allowed to block the old's decision to leave there/come home.... and if the old were mentally/physically able to cover the distance safely then the first I'd know about it would be when the old rang the doorbell.

I suppose your old isn't bad enough to be in a category where they can be locked up for their own safety. But some old people are locked in homes, PC or not. If yours is really not safe to be out and about on her own, then you could investigate what you need to do to make it OK for the home to keep her whether she asks to leave or not.

I went to visit my mum last week, as I mentioned. Well, she's got Parkinsonism and can only walk very slowly, and then mostly with a zimmer, so there's no danger of her escaping. She's perfectly safe in the respite wing of the home, which is unlocked. But there's also a dementia wing, and that's locked. When I went past on my way out, there was a bloke knocking on the door from the inside. The door has a window in it, and he could see me, and beckoned me over. He asked me to open the door for him, but I just told him (with perfect truth) that I didn't know the code to open it, so I couldn't, but I could inform the staff that he wanted the door opened if he would like. He said yes, so I went and found some staff and told them. They said he spends most of his time trying to get people to let him out, although he didn't seem to get distressed about it, and as long as nobody did let him out, then everything was fine. Later, when I was getting into my car, he was in the day room of the dementia wing with a whole lot of others, and he gave me a cheerful wave and smile out of the window.

PasturesNew

Tried to get an assessment, but everything's so slow that the CPN didn't phone to make an appointment until 2 weeks after I'd requested it - I'd wanted that to be able to pick the right sort of place (one that are licensed for loons) ... in the end the importance of just finding a nice place needed to be cracked on with and the phone call to make the appointment didn't come until yesterday, so that's had to be put off.

Home don't think there's any lunacy, but now they've had the old for a day they admit that there's some repetition (and nonsense) going on, but that's probably grief/confusion and not having slept properly.

When you're trying to move fast, find out what's what, phone everybody, visit, sort it out, decide.... the system never catches up with you. The system is based on people with one small change to their life and the time to wait for it. Even the old's blue badge only finally arrived yesterday, could have done with it 6 weeks ago (no time to get round to getting the photo taken/form filled in at the time).

We were dealing with too many fast-changing situations and needs. It really needed 3 full-time people working on this for the past 8 weeks.

I've tried to find out about sheltered housing - in this county there is ONE list, so you have to be on that list, then watch the vacancies and bid (could take 1-2 years). No other way of getting in unless you buy a place (takes months). You can't just open Rightmove and search for a flat

neverdespairgirl

I didn't get a choice about my primary school. I went for a sort of interview there when I'd just turned 4, for them to see if I was ready for school. My Mama told me it was to see if I liked it, and after the visit, I announced I did and would go there. Fortunately, they thought I was ready for school (-:

For secondary school, it was definitely discussed with me, but within limited options, which were (1) single sex boarding school or (2) single sex day school (one of each).

Davesnave

Your old won't like it very much to start with, so it may be a case of jollying them along for a while. Once they get to know a few faces and the members of staff, learn the routines etc it will become 'normality.'

I bargained with Dad & asked him to give it a month, 'because he'd paid for it.' That made some kind of sense to him. He didn't make the whole month, but if he had, he'd have forgotten about going home again, Im sure.

I'm so glad though that the last time we saw him well, he was much more cheerful and saying that 'they' had just discovered his sense of humour. It was the other way round, of course.

PasturesNew

LydiaJ wrote: »

If yours is really not safe to be out and about on her own, then you could investigate what you need to do to make it OK for the home to keep her whether she asks to leave or not.

The old has no street smarts - and no good shoes (falls out of the ones they have, not got round to finding shoes that fit yet - been too busy/old not really able without proper footwear to walk far, no blue badge so couldn't park willy nilly).

The roads between here and there I'd have to run across ... and the old might just not be able to move fast enough, or look in all four directions at once... especially if distressed.

Once the old is settled in and has shoes that can be walked in for 400 yards it'd be OK for them to pop to the shop for a stroll and back. Just not right now.

LydiaJ wrote: »

he gave me a cheerful wave and smile out of the window.

You should keep his number .... trying to settle olds can send you mental and you might be in there yourself soon

My old is in a small place that's mixed dementia/normals, with a high staff:residents ratio.... chose that one so wouldn't have to move the old if they flip over to the dark side in the next few months due to the stress of all the changes.

LydiaJ

Pastures, it really sounds as though you already have her in just the right place. Let's all hope she pals up with these normals that she's met, and starts to enjoy living there. Don't worry about the sheltered housing. The things you were saying before about how much of an eye you had to keep on her to stop her doing something dangerous are clear evidence that she needs care, not just shelter. Even if she could just about manage in sheltered housing now, if she's got some confusion and unsafe sort of muddliness now, she will probably get gently worse as time goes by. In which case it is much much better for her to settle into a home now, so that by the time she's really away with the fairies she's already familiar with the surroundings.

PasturesNew

GDB2222 wrote: »

I also am shocked that your sibs aren't helping.

One is, but lives on the other side of the country - that one's already been about 4x for a week at a time in the past 2 months (only went back 3 days ago). Thing is, when that one comes a lot of what we do is "together" due to the duration of visits (and them arriving by public transport so having no car). Other one's in this county, but works full-time in another county, so has 14 hour days... although they aren't doing what they could at weekends/etc.