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Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things
Comments
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PasturesNew wrote: »First call of the morning .... "come and get your old, they hate it here"....
Convinced them to stay, but now having to find alternatives.
But there are no alternatives.
I'm in despair.
Been on the phone but it's too big a job to try to solve on a Friday, now a Friday afternoon ....
Old doesn't like it because the others are old and ga-ga.
Old needs support, but not here as house is unsuitable/to be sold ... so I need to get them into somewhere else (sheltered type). Really what they call 'extra care', except there's only one in the whole county, it's newly opened, and to get there you have to be on the housing list (applied 2-3 weeks ago, but it takes 28 days to get onto the list), then you have to bid and wait... and it's not even ideal as it's 40 miles away. I figure it might take 1-2 years before the old could even get an offer to go there. I've already had a breakdown today myself, so waiting isn't an option.
A weekend of despair ahead.
So sorry to hear about the problem with your mum. Okay, done with the empathising.
<Man-Mode ON>
However, this isn't your problem any longer. You seem to me to have a number of options:
1. Have an official breakdown, ie go see your GP, explain that you can't cope (don't have to get all emotional) and explain that having mum back would be the last straw.
2. Ring up a sibling, and tell them it's their problem. Them to sort it out and let you know when they've finished.
3. Social services - same as 3. Simply refuse to have your mum back. Make it impossible, eg tell them that you have already cleared out the bed so the house can be sold (anything like that that they can't check, as you of course won't let them in the house).
As long as you keep dealing with the problems, there's no incentive for other people to.No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?0 -
GDB is right. You have to stop everyone making this your problem.
The only thing I have to add, is that you mustn't take too much notice of the fact that the old doesn't like the place where she is now. The truth is that nowhere at all is ever going to be as much to her liking as being at home being cared for by the lost old. Now that there's nobody at home to look after her (because you can't do it for anything but the shortest of short terms) she has to go somewhere where she can be kept safe, and that's inevitably going to be somewhere that she doesn't like, at least to start with. So the others are old and ga-ga ... well, actually, your old is old and too ga-ga herself to live independently. So she's in the right place. If she's really convinced that she could be happy in a different home for the old & ga-ga, then you and your siblings will look for one for her, but until alternative arrangements have been made she will have to stay where she is.
Oh, and make it very clear to the home that they can't just ring up and ask you to come and get her. She has been being cared for by her husband. He has died, and now there is nobody who can care for her at home. You are only there to organise a solution, not to be a solution.Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.
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PasturesNew wrote: »First call of the morning .... "come and get your old, they hate it here"....
Convinced them to stay, but now having to find alternatives.
But there are no alternatives.
I'm in despair.
They are bound to hate it at first as it's a change in surroundings and routine.
Anywhere really needs 6 months to a year to settle in and give it a good shot unless there are other serious issues.
Do you really think it would be much different elsewhere?0 -
Social services has a legal duty of care. It is them that should be sorting this out. Not you OR your siblings.“The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens0 -
Social services has a legal duty of care. It is them that should be sorting this out. Not you OR your siblings.
Well...legally yes, but I can see why PN would want to herself....so would I. I think the abdication of that ''duty'' is all to easy today and doesn't make for a nicer place to live...a happier society.
That said.....I wouldn't advise dropping everything to run and get her either.
However, I do agree that she should rope siblings in and take some time to evaluate decision and options. Mainly for PN's peace of mind.
PN, can I draw a parallel for you? I wouldn't normally say this online, but DH is pretty low today. I know there has been some unmanly emotion being shown about this and he has arranged an interview with a firm who have been courting him today because I think he feels a bit like your old does today.
He got on the phone and said he's coming back for the weekend next weekend and I said ''No, please don't, not at this stage''. Why? Well certainly not because I don't want to see him! But rather because it is how it is and we've got to get used to it. It will be easier in two weeks or so, we just have to give it a chance to sink in, settle down and then grit our teeth and put our shoulders to the grindstone and get on with things.
At boarding school they usually don't encourage parents to ring at first, and not visit for the first few weeks, because of course in a new scary routine people don't like it.....but in a few weeks things have changed, people adjust.
I think Lydia got the nail on the head: life is never going to be for Old how it used to be.
This is the reality of bereavement. Its not nice, its not comforting but its NOT got to become part of your future as well, in a practical sense.
It might be that old is not in the right place....but I'm not even sure of that, if what you were describing was accurate then sheltered housing sounds inadaquate level of care...and the feeling would be much the same whereever she went.
As well as loving and caring for her needs -at a distance now -you can do what other stuff needs doing AND have some time to yourself soon, Old won';t be in a position to appreciate that if she is as you described and you are at danger of falling into a permanant care role. Think very carefully before agreeing with Old out of sympathy and love and the care home who want an easy life. Do take their suggestion of where might be better for her LONG TERM.0 -
Not as easy as that ...2. Ring up a sibling, and tell them it's their problem. Them to sort it out and let you know when they've finished.
Social services aren't involved.
3. Social services - same as 3. Simply refuse to have your mum back. Make it impossible, eg tell them that you have already cleared out the bed so the house can be sold (anything like that that they can't check, as you of course won't let them in the house).0 -
They haven't been involved. If you're self-funding you're on your own. Their solution is to do a needs assessment (write down a list of how many baths you need help with, how many cleaning hours etc), then give you the list and a list of outside companies that can do the work,Social services has a legal duty of care. It is them that should be sorting this out. Not you OR your siblings.
They don't actually "do" anything at all. And, self-funded, they're simply not interested.0 -
Old's chirped up now ... others at the place have spoken to the old, they weren't at dinner last night and old assumed that she had been booked into a loony bin as the 'normal' ones weren't there... but the normals were at lunch today and she sat and chatted with them.
Taking it hour by hour, day by day now .... when I left the old though they were very confused about where they were. I was trying to write an inventory of their belongings and I said they've no socks and they said "upstairs", but that's here ... and it took 2-3 minutes before they realised that they aren't where I am, but in a new place. Hoping the confusion disappears soon.....0 -
Unfortunately, against their better judgement, they have to follow those daft PC rules about the old having rights and being able to make decisions. They said they can't stop her leaving if she insists, but they know she couldn't safely make it home alone and wandering. They can't lock the old in as it's non-PC to "insist" and tell people what to do.Oh, and make it very clear to the home that they can't just ring up and ask you to come and get her. She has been being cared for by her husband. He has died, and now there is nobody who can care for her at home. You are only there to organise a solution, not to be a solution.
The home are trying to get her to be happy/stay, but at the end of the day if the old simply stands up and demands to be let out as they're coming home they have to let them.... although she did say to me she couldn't allow that and she'd get her personal car out and drive her home for safety .... but the home is not allowed to block the old's decision to leave there/come home.... and if the old were mentally/physically able to cover the distance safely then the first I'd know about it would be when the old rang the doorbell.0 -
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