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Living away from home for a job

2

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  • Mrs.W_2
    Mrs.W_2 Posts: 584 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 15 July 2011 at 1:12AM
    A take from the other side of this situation.....

    My OH works away for ten consecutive days in every month. We're based in Surrey and his job is in the Highlands of Scotland, so commuting is out.;)

    It works for us because we're both quite independent characters. It was a bit trickier for me after the children came along, but we make sure to talk through all the times we feel out of kilter.

    Given both your current work situations, it makes a great deal of sense for you to take the job. Just remember that when you promise to phone or make time for your partner, do so. I can vouch for those moments of contact being very important to the person left at home.

    It will be a huge change to your lives, and you might feel guilt that makes you less assertive in the relationship. Ignore that silly emotional response. Look at what you'll both gain from furthering your career. I'm sure he is looking to, and planning for, his future too. Has he given you any idea of how he wants to progress come the end of his current work contract?


    ETA: The nature of my OH's contract with his employer in Scotland is due to change in a few months. He'll be required to work full time for over eighteen months in the Highlands.

    The cons of this move are all too apparent. We are looking for long term lets (few and far between up there) as we do not wish to live on site in the castle. We need a clear work / home divide! So we'll more than likely end up paying over the odds for accommodation. Our daughters will be leaving their school, friends and loved extra curricular activities. I will not be able to find a job in my niche. Childcare will be hard to find. The nearest supermarket is ninety miles away. Almost every delivery firm applies a surcharge to that postcode. And I can't even begin to describe my horror of The Midges!

    There are pros. The life experinces our daughters would gain. An excellent school that has fewer than fifty pupils. The fact that his contract won't last forever!

    The job will be a gem on my OH's CV, and I know he's looking forward to the challenges he'll face on site. He's weird that way.

    I'll go through this upheaval because I know it's short term. Eighteen months is a short time compared to the long haul we envisage.

    When you've gained experience from your offered job, what is to stop you both from looking again at where you might feel more comfortable working?
  • ashaput
    ashaput Posts: 167 Forumite
    I can understand what you feel. My ex was just lie you both he was very dependent on me. But then we end it up because I need to get a job that is really really far from where we lived. I think that would be better if you commute in this case. Well may be it would take your time and energy but if it seems impossible for one of you to give a way to the other then it seems like the best way you could do.
  • 19lottie82
    19lottie82 Posts: 6,031 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    How long have you been with your boyfriend for? If you don't take the job, you might regret it. How would you feel if a year down the line, you have split up and you are stuck in a dead end job that isn't related to the degree that you studied so hard for?

    OK, the situation isn't ideal, but we have to make compromises in life.
    How does he know he doesn't like the city? Has he ived there before, or does he just have this idea in his head?
    If your boyfriend won't consider moving with you, or even trying to work something out, then he sounds pretty selfish imo, especially if he has nothing keeping him where you are at the moment.
    Why does the job require you to be really close to your workplace?
  • If your OH had found a permanent job with good prospects, he would be reasonable in being unhappy. As he is at present going to be unemployed, I don't think he can expect you to go onto JSA just so he can stay where he likes it.

    Jojo, you're very practical/forthright.... Thanks!


    I have thought this too but I feel a bit cruel voicing it to OH. I'd be much less inclined to move if he had a good job here and could support us while I looked for a job I actually wanted but as it is I'd be unemployed / looking for admin or shop assistant stuff that I don't particularly want to do.

    He thinks it's too demanding of any job to make employees live that near. I think its pretty harsh too but they're very inflexible on that part of the contract... no moving = no job.
    Mrs._W wrote:

    Given both your current work situations, it makes a great deal of sense for you to take the job. Just remember that when you promise to phone or make time for your partner, do so. I can vouch for those moments of contact being very important to the person left at home.
    Thanks, I'll bear that in mind.
    It will be a huge change to your lives, and you might feel guilt that makes you less assertive in the relationship. Ignore that silly emotional response. Look at what you'll both gain from furthering your career. I'm sure he is looking to, and planning for, his future too. Has he given you any idea of how he wants to progress come the end of his current work contract?

    Thanks. I think we do both want the same thing in the long/medium term. He'd rather do it without moving cities but we only know one friend who's managed to get a decent permanent job without living away from here for a while so I think we'll need to. Location & living together are more of a priority to him than career progression so I get the impression he would rather I get a general admin job or something on a much lower wage to stay here. I don't think I could actually get stuff like that with no experience though!

    He's just looking on job sites at the moment but wants a month or so off when his job ends so isn't feeeling under pressure yet. He has some bigger plans/projects in mind but it wouldn't bring in much money at the moment.

    I hope your move goes smoothly, it sounds like you're makking big sacrifices for your OH.
    When you've gained experience from your offered job, what is to stop you both from looking again at where you might feel more comfortable working?

    Absolutely nothing :o
    I suppose I would reevaluate in 6 months and could aim to change jobs if OH still really didn't want to move.
  • 19lottie82 wrote: »
    How long have you been with your boyfriend for? If you don't take the job, you might regret it. How would you feel if a year down the line, you have split up and you are stuck in a dead end job that isn't related to the degree that you studied so hard for?

    OK, the situation isn't ideal, but we have to make compromises in life.
    How does he know he doesn't like the city? Has he ived there before, or does he just have this idea in his head?
    If your boyfriend won't consider moving with you, or even trying to work something out, then he sounds pretty selfish imo, especially if he has nothing keeping him where you are at the moment.
    Why does the job require you to be really close to your workplace?

    5 years. He's stuck around while I finished my degree and took a job he hated (not the current one) so I think he feels a bit miffed I don't want to do the same.
    No, he hasn't lived there before but he was saying the other day to his mum that it was on the list of places he wouldn't move to (which includes where he used to live). I think it might just be that he's upset about the thought of me living away though. The actual location is quite similar to where we live now, if not slightly nicer.

    It's in the contract incase of emergencies. I broached commuting initially but it's a no go with them, they'd just hire someone else!


    To be honest I'm thinking that I'll take it. I told the company I wanted the job but would have to sort things out first. They said I can arrange to start anytime in the next 2 months.
    Will have a proper talk to OH about it tonight. I've sort of shied away from telling him how much I actually want the job out of worry about upsetting him but it needs to come out :o

    The cost of not taking the job is too high. I have too much in savings to get JSA so I'd be depleting my savings which we'll want to use for a deposit to buy a house someday.
  • rachbc
    rachbc Posts: 4,461 Forumite
    . Location & living together are more of a priority to him than career progression so I get the impression he would rather I get a general admin job or something on a much lower wage to stay here.

    If he is the one for whom a career is less imortant, and given that he has no job, why doesn't HE move to be with you where you work is and get himself a general admin job on a low wage?
    People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • rachbc wrote: »
    If he is the one for whom a career is less imortant, and given that he has no job, why doesn't HE move to be with you where you work is and get himself a general admin job on a low wage?

    We're tied into a flat contract til the end of the year.

    Gosh, i'm making him out to be really stubborn/selfish about the whole thing. He's not really, a lot is opinions I've gleaned from discussions & hypothetical planning we've had previously as we've not had a proper practical discussion yet. I'm just super concerned about how he feels about it. He wouldn't stop me going or give me an ultimatum or anything and I think he'd do whatever I wanted re:moving in the end if I asked but I worry about his feelings and if it would damage our relationship.

    I'd feel very guilty for asking him to take a job he doesn't want AND move somewhere he doesn't want to be.

    He still has a job for the next fortnight and there are a few jobs where we are now that he would like and has applied to. He has the experience for them but obviously hasn't been offered anything yet. The city near my job offer is bigger so i'd be suprised if there's not similar there. My job is probationary for the first 6 months so it'd be awful if he moved & then i lost my job.
  • lostinrates
    lostinrates Posts: 55,283 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    He still has a job for the next fortnight and there are a few jobs where we are now that he would like and has applied to. He has the experience for them but obviously hasn't been offered anything yet. The city near my job offer is bigger so i'd be suprised if there's not similar there. My job is probationary for the first 6 months so it'd be awful if he moved & then i lost my job.

    In the short term why not look for somewhere to lodge mon/fri or your workdays. That would be cheaper than somewhere else to rent and perhaps be less outlay than renting somewhere your self. After the first few months you should get an idea how the job feels and how you and your partner are coping with the situation and whether you should start loking for flats for the two of you in the area? At that point your OH could start applying for similar jobs in your new area.

    Also consider some tenancy agreements require someone to be in occupation. It might be that the LA will let you pay costs for finding new tenants for the flat you've just let that might be cheaper than keeping it on if you both decide to make the move.
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    in your shoes I would take the job and see how it goes - as you say, its probationary for 6 months anyway, none of what you're thinking about needs to be permanent for years and years.
  • 19lottie82
    19lottie82 Posts: 6,031 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Go for it OP, if it doesn't work out, what have you lost? Hopefully you and ur boyfriend will reach some sort of compromise and everything will work out for you, good luck! x
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