mum has bi polar but is it an excuse for bad behaviour

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

1more? wrote: »

jojo - i dont think she is in a complete manic phase ive seen it so many times, her manic phases can last for months on end & in that time she causes so much heartache & worry to me & all my family as well as p***ing us all off to the point where we have had enough, like now

the buying extravagent gifts is my mother anyway always trying to out do everybody
my mother is bitter & jelous in her nature always has been & i know that she didnt buy the baby to hurt me because thats what she does, hurt the people closest to her because she always gets away with it & not getting the baby anything was discussed with my sister last week, so she knew what she was doing !

im not sure she has a fear of a depressive stage as she has only had 1 bout of depression but i can understand she wants to feel well & stopping the medication makes her feel great but affects the people around her !
im not sure i understand your comment about her friends making her laugh, i fear they are laughing at her & taking advantage of her, sorry if i came across as if i dislike them but i do,
i found watching my mother licking up milk (this was a previous episode) distressing while this so called friend found it hilarious !:(

she has been on many types of medication, i dont think its the side affects i think its because she doesnt think shes ill so questions why should she have to take tablets !

jo nobody knows better than me how ill she is & i would never be able to just leave her ill without doing anything about it i just think it would be better for me & my family if i stepped away so i no longer get the hassle, that may sound really selfish but i dont know how much more of it i can take before it affects my mental health

Her 'friends' will 'accept' her ill, is what I mean, whereas people who genuinely care are, in her opinion, trying to stop her having fun. They probably say 'No, there's nothing wrong with you, except when you take those tablets, then you're boring.', which reinforces her lack of insight, as they are saying what her illness wants to hear, especially if not only does she not believe she is ill, the side effects of taking anything are so yukky. The fact that she is probably entitled to somewhere up to £500 a month in DLA plus £150 IS a week, probably makes her a more attractive prospect to them as well, compared to someone just on £80 ESA.


If drugs and drink are involved as well, they could also be affecting her ability to reason - you aren't supposed to drink with most psych meds, and she could be choosing alcohol because 'it's normal' instead of antipsychotics. If it has crossed over to addiction, then a dual diagnosis is a nightmare to deal with, and the addict aspect of behaviour is often even worse, as then they not only think they are the greatest, but they have to maintain their addiction as well. An addict can be so cold blooded, vicious, harsh and manipulative where someone with bipolar alone could comparitively 'easily' be dealt with once they realise they aren't the centre of the universe. Put the two together..... _pale_


I don't think you are being selfish at all. A person raging with bipolar is a very unpleasant person to deal with. And by all means, keep clear and tell neighbours that talk about her that if they feel she is worsening, they need to call the GP and let them know as you aren't there all the time - it may be that they feel it is interfering and it should be your decision. But if you know she is unwell, whether by seeing it for yourself or hearing about it secondhand, then you should still make the call yourself.


However, this doesn't mean you should be there all the time, trying to pick up the pieces when she doesn't want you to. It's not your responsibility. Never has been.


But you can't and won't change her, sadly.

laddujaddu

1more?, my heart goes out to you, I know what it is to have a bi-polar parent. My father never wanted to be treated, was sectioned at least twice a year, was hideous to mum and me, was beating my mum,abusing me verbally and psychologically, in the end my mum became mentally unstable herself because she never gave up on him and kept living with him for most of her life. now she passed away, and I don't even want to see my dad coz I think he was the cause of her death, not directly of course, but due to hard life he gave her. Every time I think about it I want to cry. Most memories I have of my childhood are bad. Fortunately my dad is in another country and can't come where I live. I say fortunately because whenever I visit he always threatens me and can even hit me if he gets irritated.
I can just sympathise with you and I wish you strength in dealing with your mum.
I am a bit scared that I can get bi-polar myself, coz I read sometimes it runs in families.
Anyway, I think the right thing to do is to keep in touch with your mum's doctors, but she should have the desire to be treated and to take her meds, otherwise no one can help her.

System

Well this thread has put me off having kids I'd hate to inflict my illness on them to the degree others who've posted here have

I hope things get sorted for you OP

Bailey_Bear_2

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Well this thread has put me off having kids I'd hate to inflict my illness on them to the degree others who've posted here have

I hope things get sorted for you OP

I have two son and I think I've done ok by them, dispite being 'mad'. Saying that, I've had a lot of support from my family and I'm a type 2, so not in the same boat as the OP's mum.

You can be a bad parent without metal health issues and you can be a good parent with them.

shy-but-need-help

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Well this thread has put me off having kids I'd hate to inflict my illness on them to the degree others who've posted here have

I hope things get sorted for you OP

Messed up, I have bipolar 1 (rapid cycling) and I have five kids, I chose to be functional bipolar and so I stick religiously to my meds- and accept any necessary changes they feel I need, ensure I get to all my appointments (even when at times this has meant DH and my mother sitting either side of me in the waiting room ) I see a psychotherapist as well as a psychiatrist. I also read an awful lot to try and help myself as much as I can, I've made lifestyle changes to enable to kids have as normal a life (if not more stable) as their friends with neurotypical parents. I am living proof that with good managment and good family support bipolar and kids need not be an "either, or" situation.

My oldest child is nearing forteen and she will speak openly to me about what it's been like having a bipolar mother and her frankness with me is what keeps me on the meds and treatment, we give all the kids access to external support if they need it too (DD1 in particular has several people she can talk to- both family and close friends- if she needs it) but they're all perfectly happy kids with normal lives. They get to go to dance classes, theatre, they're at school ontime (we've also home educated in the passed and will again in the future- I dislike our local middle schools) they're well fed, well cared for and I have a good enough support system in place to ensure when I'm really bad they don't witness it.

It really can work. It does take alot of planning and support but it can work.

(should also add that on my good phases it can be a source of much hilarity and mickey taking in our house that everyone likes to think their mother is going mad but they already know theirs is)

shy-but-need-help

Hello OP... I am a bipolar mom (as pointed out in my post above to messed up) and I really do feel for you, what you describe is the exact reason I went for help with my condition and it's exactly why I continue to accept that help, I never want to put my kids through what people like yourself have experienced by having a parent with poorly controlled bipolar.

In answer to your questions, are all bi polar suffers abusive ? (i think she uses it to get her own way)

No, not all of us- many of us can act abusive, when I'm not on my meds (or even when I am and hit a really bad phase) it's like someone else is driving my head and I can be truly evil to my DH despite the fact I know I shouldn't, it's like I'm not the one in charge of my own thoughts and acts... is it an excuse? No, it's a reason why it happens but it's not an acceptable excuse unless a person is genuinely trying to get help and sticking with that help.

2)would you carry on calling the drs to get her help if its causing so much hassle ?

Yes, entirely- keep calling, you can't make her take her medication, you can't be held responsible for her but you can notify the people who ARE responsible for her care (her mental health team) that she needs extra support. If you feel she's just feeding them a line then tell them as much, believe me my psychiatrist would know in a second if I was spinning her a line and trying to fob her off- they don't just work with what you say but actions, history, expressions... they're good at what they do!

3)why would she not get the baby a birthday card other than to upset me as she knows her screaming & shouting no longer gets a reaction ?

Like others have said she may genuinely have forgotten, I have to keep endless lists to keep track of everything- right down to things they (the kids) do every week. If I didn't do that then some weeks I'd struggle to tell my !!!!! from my elbow!

4)would you say anything about the card to her ?

No, if she's intentionally done it you'll only be fuelling her need to get a rise out of her actions and if she's done it accidentally you may well just add more guilt to her when she does begin to reach an even state again.

I really do feel for you, when you child(ren) are old enough you can explain to them in age appropriate terms that she is all, all my children understand at their own age level, as they get older we tell them more so they understand more. It's important they understand that I'm ill and it's not anything anyone does to me that makes me this way, just purely messed up brain chemistry.

1more?

wow so many replies thank you

messed up - please dont let your illness stop you from having children, if your illness is controlled like shys then theres no reason not to, like laddus dad sadly i dont think my mother wants to be well

ska - i too think most of my mothers behaviour is so she gets her own way (not when in complete mania) but in the weeks & months leading up to her complete mania i think she is sitting at home plotting who to p**s off next, i believe its like a game to her
she also manages to manipulate my nan, the constant poor me gets my nan feeling sorry for her & bowing down to her every demand :mad:
she has caused so much trouble between the family lucky we are wise to her antics now & dont allow her to !
when my mother was 1st in hospital i met a lady in there whos sister i know & the sister or other members of the family never went to visit her i thought how awful of them but 10 yrs down the line i have walked in their shoes & completly understand why you have to walk away !

absolute - my mother has only had one bout of depression yrs ago

jojo - thanks again i think letting the drs know i will be taking a back step is a great idea
my mother doesnt drink she smokes canabis all day every day

laddujaddu - im sorry u had to suffer so much & so did your poor mam
getting bi polar myself also scares me but i just hope to god if i did i would want to be well & i would never want to put my children through
what my mother has

mahri - exactly right bi polar or not parents can be carp

shy - well done you seem to have the balance just right,
we have really tried supporting my mother but i dont think you help someone who doesnt want to be helped
re the birthday card, she knew it was dd bday she told my sister that she wasnt getting her a card because she hasnt seen her lately & no i havent taken her to see my mother because she has been acting up for weeks shouting & being abusive, i wont allow my children to see that & she knows it, i really believe its for a reaction because thats what she does, im not going to mention it im just going to stay from her as much as i can as i just cant put up with her anymore

thanks again all its really good to hear other peoples experiences x

bibime

I am also a bi polar 1 mum..and my heart goes out to you at the same time its good to see how much your mothers behaviour hurts you,because it hurts me you feel that way...as i am exactly the same as your mother..when in a manic phase yes i can become aggressive in fact i can become anything and i hate people getting in my head and ruining my euphoric behaviouir..and i can be sooo nasty to my children,my sisters and most of it is directed at my mum.bi polar is a very complex illness,i cant even explain it myself its as though something clicks in my brain and off i go.On the other hand i can smother my family with to much love and protection that i become obsessed.alot of the time i can feel a manic coming on but the more it seems i try to control it..iv reached a point of no return.thankfully at the momment my quetiapine is keeping me fairly stable.
i think your doing all the right things.i also understand it might seem like bad behaviour and it is in a way..but i expect your mother hates herself for it.Maybe she has had a trigger maybe stress or worry.
the very best of luck to you and you are very brave to have done this post.
take care
xxx

1more?

thank you bibime, thank you for your post its intresting to hear it from a different view,
can i ask if your phases or episodes last for months ?

i feel for you & your family i think my mother may be different to you as she even when stable doesnt think there is anything wrong with her, she has never said sorry ever, i have heard her say its because of my bi polar not to me but others but she says that as an easy way out of some thing shes done

i dont think she has a trigger as such other than stopping her medication, its a constant cycle:
a month or 2 in hospital -
few weeks or possible months taking meds tidy -
cutting up tablets in 1/2 because shes ok or the dr said ? -
slowly start getting higher -
que me telling her shes unwell & calling dr -
que her abusive behaviour -
then sectioned
& back to it again
she gets sectioned about once a yr but is high 4 or 5 months before that:eek::eek::eek::eek:

im not resenting the fact shes ill im resenting the fact she doesnt help herself & her illness is affecting everyone around her as much as her but she doesnt see it like that she so selfish

bibime i dont feel brave posting this although i did expect a back lash but luckly everyone has been supportive
goodluck to you & hope you stay well

skintstudentnurse

1more? wrote: »

my q`s are
1)are all bi polar suffers abusive ? (i think she uses it to get her own way)

Not always, think it depends on the individual, but when they are manic and have an idea in their head, whoever it is that tries to reason with them will probably get the worse end of it.

2)would you carry on calling the drs to get her help if its causing so much hassle ?

Personally, yes. It does sound like your mum has no insight into her illness (as she has stopped her medication), so who else is going to look out for her? Sounds like her 'friends' won't be the types that care.

3)why would she not get the baby a birthday card other than to upset me as she knows her screaming & shouting no longer gets a reaction ?

Yes it may well be out of spite- but it doesn't sound like she is well at the moment- which is clouding her judgement.

4)would you say anything about the card to her ?

No, not right now.


I'm sorry if you think I'm siding with your mum, it's not that, it's just some patients have so little insight when they are unwell that often they blame the close relatives for everything, which is something perhaps that you may have to accept. You have done the right thing asking the GP for help!