mum has bi polar but is it an excuse for bad behaviour

1more?

i wasnt going to write this but ive just read in another thread about somebodies dad having bi polar & need it off my chest


today is my dd 1st bday & she hasnt had a card or present from my mother :(:(:(:(, this really isnt like my mother she always likes to buy the best most extravegant gift more to try to out do my dad than anything

anyway i will tell you the build up to this & please be honest & say what you would do !

my mother has suffered bi polar for 11yrs been in an out of hospital 10 or more times always sectioned always need the police to remove her from home
im her next of kin although my grandmother is still with us shes nearly 82, so it falls on my shoulders to inform the dr ect when shes ill

2 months ago i saw the triggers of her getting high so i told her i thought she was becoming unwell so as always she then hates my guts because theres nothing wrong with her shes fine its my fault shes been in hospital because i phoned the drs, nothing to do with the fact shes stopped medication again

the dr seen her & put her under a crisis team its new to me but they called at the house everyday for 2 weeks to make sure she was taking her medication
in this time i stayed away from her as i couldnt stick another minute of her abuse & i knew she was being looked after
i havent seen or heard from her since then but other family have im now the devil herself she is telling anyone who will listen all sort of untrue things

so 2 weeks ago my grandmother (82)expressed concern about her she had my mother on the phone doing her usually shouting & screaming for 20 mins calling my nan all sorts & i had her neighbour stop me in the st to say shes been acting strange, cleaning the whole rd she lives on, playing loud music & shouting at other peoples children so i decided to call drs again who phoned her to say id called & said i though she was unwell again which she was

on the weekend she told my sis the baby wasnt having a card because she doesnt see her, granted i dont take the children to her house much because she constantly rants & raves her language is vile, her friends use her house as a doss house mostly drinking & smoking drugs not what i want my children to see !

this abusive behaviour has gone on for years & when i say abusive i mean she threatens to slash my face, burn my house down i could go on but usually after a few weeks she ends up in hospital sectioned and shes kind of forgiven although i havent forgoten

i dont really know how putting this on a public thread will help but i just dont know what to do i phone the dr to get her help yet im getting more hassle than its worth & i only ever phone when shes really unwell hardly knows how to function & becoming a danger to her self & others

my q`s are
1)are all bi polar suffers abusive ? (i think she uses it to get her own way)

2)would you carry on calling the drs to get her help if its causing so much hassle ?

3)why would she not get the baby a birthday card other than to upset me as she knows her screaming & shouting no longer gets a reaction ?

4)would you say anything about the card to her ?

sorry this is so long, im so upset thats she would spite the baby
thanks for reading

pigpen

my q`s are
1)are all bi polar suffers abusive ? (i think she uses it to get her own way)

Untreated.. usually yes.

2)would you carry on calling the drs to get her help if its causing so much hassle ?

Yes, because if anything happened to her you would never forgive yourself. Yes, because you love her regardless of what she puts you through.

3)why would she not get the baby a birthday card other than to upset me as she knows her screaming & shouting no longer gets a reaction ?

No other reason

4)would you say anything about the card to her ?

No, she will see this as a 'victory' and you have been upset by her behaviour.

In future have a card on standby for 'granddaughter' and if when your daughter is old enough to understand just write it yourself and give DD it without a word... and buy a gift for her and say it is from your mum.. though children are very smart and she wil understand if you say 'grandma has an illness which makes her behave in an unpleasant way and she can't always remember things like birthdays. It isn't that she doesn't love DD it is that she is unwell'

sorry this is so long, im so upset thats she would spite the baby
thanks for reading

Does the baby care?

Emmzi

this behaviour is not normal and seems to me like she is not properly medicated. Sadly you cannot make her take pills if she does not want to, and even with them, there are still swings, but perhaps not so extreme.

Not all sufferers are abusive; it depends how extreme the condition is and if they medicate.

If she is at the stage where she is sometimes sectioned, then yes, I'd keep calling the doctors. I'd also be asking what the support plan was for her coming out each time.

She wouldn't get a card because the centre of her world is, at times, her; nothing else matters. And if card-withholding is a way of getting attention of any kind she will do it

And no; there's no good can come out of a conversation about cards when she is not stable and able to comprehend what you are saying (or care about it).

Big hug to you; this can be a horrible, horrible conidition if the sufferer is not prepared to take any part in being well. And it can also impair their judgement so they do not know when they need help.

dottygirl

It must be very hard for you. I would keep calling the doctor - your mum is ill and she cant help herself. Tell your doctor how your mums behaviour is affecting you they may be able to recommend a support group for you (it may help to talk to other people in the same position). Has your mum a trusted friend/relation who could help her understand when she is having a high/low period. Take care I wish I could be of more use to you. Have you tried MIND? x

Fire_Fox

Is your mother Bipolar 1 or 2? My guess would be 1 given that she has been sectioned several times - doesn't sound like her condition is very well controlled which is probably due to the non compliance and drug abuse. BP1 eans full mania whereas 2 is 'only' hypomania - verbal abuse and violence are possible symptoms and there is precious little rational thinking when manic.

1echidna

Like with anybody else (be they mentally ill or not) you know you can only excuse bad behaviour when you are prepared to do so. However maybe at this stage of your mother's illness you have reason to feel particularly bitter. I should bear that in mind if you possibly can and not do things you may regret, its bad enough her doing them to you.

1more?

thank you all for your replies

her condition isnt very well controlled because she doesnt take her medication as she should ever, ive seen her cut them in 1/2 because her dr told her to ? & i think she still doesnt except that she has an illness ! she says the right thinks to the drs & cpn to keep them happy but i think shes in denial
she has been offered all the help available she refuses to take part in any support group the drs run

hi pigpen hope your doing ok? not long before your lil one will be one soon too ! pigpen the victory word stands out to me she plays games all the time, i dont usually let her bother me but she turns every birthday, baby born, christmas in to all about her, my god daughter broke her arm my mother was informed then didnt answer the phone for days then told other members of the family nobody told her anything ! :mad:
so emmzi center of her world is hitting the nail on the head

dotty its sad to say but my mother has no real friend she thinks she has but they use her & without sounding nasty the ones shes friends with are the kind of people decent people cross the rd to avoid & are never there when shes ill
one example was my mother was so ill she was licking up milk off the floor as she had spilt it & her " friends" were laughing i was horrified, obviously another call to the drs
sounds like i phone all the time im talking twice or 3 times per yr

1 i was trying to say is she like it because shes been allowed to get away with it for so long ? my nan is constanly saying its "because shes ill" im thinking its because shes & ill & because she can

me calling the drs is whats causing her to hate me, i just dont know if i should carry on ringing or leave it up to someone else like a neighbour or maybe by some miracle her so called friends x

1echidna

One thing you must do whether she likes it or not is to maintaing proper communication with the professionals who are responsible for her care.

busiscoming2

I don't understand the full implications of bi-polar but as far as the no card for your dd, I wouldn't worry at this age and as she grows, I would be honest and tell her grandma suffers from an illness and doesn't function normally sometimes IYKWIM. I am sure you had to learn to cope with it.

wolfehouse

in your position it would be good to talk to others who have to deal with the same issues.
you could get more information from the bipolar charities local to you:
http://www.bipolarscotland.org.uk/

or in england:
http://www.bipolar-foundation.org/

i know ours do various training and talks and run a group for both carers and 'service users' bimonthly.

the crisis teams exisist to keep people from having to go into hospital- which is why it is a quick, sharp, shock.
i'm surprised they didn't give you their number to call directly instead of going through the gp as presumably your mother is
tied to a community mental health team. (and then the cpn there might be a better call than the gp)

when someone is acutely psychotic, they really don't have insight and aren't in a position to make judgements. the meaning
of psychotic is 'not in touch with reality.'
when she is well she may even be ashamed of things she has done when she was ill.
people often don't take medication because the side effects are not nice and it is very strong stuff.
the 'dual-diagnosis' of drug taking and stopping meds sure doesn't help and i have not found that the systems cope with that very well,
but to reframe it, often people use drug taking to alleviate symptoms from the illneess- chicken and egg really.

if i had a little-un i would make sure all contact is fairly well supervised if she is unwell.
the best thing you can do for yourself is learn as much as you can about the illness, meet others in your situation and take care of yourself.

jammie1

Hi
My dh has some kind of psychotic disorder, he doesn't have a diagnosis as he doesn't seem to quite fit in with any one diagnosis bipolar or schizohprenia are the two they talk about most though.
He has been aggressive in the past when he was not on medication and was drinking (kind of self medicating) which was a terrible combination. He has since been through several medications and found one that works for him and he is like a different person, very stable and 'normal.' We have been through some 'blips' from him feeling well and stopping medication, which ended with him back in hospital. We were told that it was possible to give a depo injection if he continued to stop medication, it is a slow release that you can have either once a fortnight or once a month. Not sure which medication can be done this way but its might be worth asking her doctors about it?