mum has bi polar but is it an excuse for bad behaviour

Bailey_Bear_2

I was diagnosed as bipolar 13 years ago, but had been symptomatic since I was 12 years old. There were times when I behaved hideously I cringe to think of it now.

I remember a few years ago, moaning to my psychiatrist about how unfair it all was, and how all my problems were caused by my bipolar and how it was all out of my control. He said to me: "Your reactions are yours, it's your personality, with or without bipolar".

It may not sound like much, but it forced me to take responsibility and not to treat bipolar as an excuse. All that said, there are times when what you say/do are out of your control, but that should be few and far between, and forgivable as such.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Not all people with bipolar are horrible. Not all people with bipolar are nice people to begin with.

But when they are manic, even the nicest can be hard work, as some of the main points of the illness are that they are not ill; there is nothing wrong with them, it's the rest of the world that is too slow, stupid, incompetent and generally only there to p*** them off. The frustration and sheer rage that can come from the sweetest person can frighten the person themselves, never mind people round them.

The buying extravagant gifts is part of being in a manic phase, not buying gifts - well, the anger at being accused (in her mind) of being ill, the fact that time means very little when you don't sleep for days on end, the existence of lesser mortals is of little consequence - not buying a gift isn't a cold-blooded, clear headed attempt to hurt you, it probably makes perfect sense to her in her rage and fear. Is it OK for her to be ill as long as she buys fancy presents for your family? No, of course it isn't. You just experienced the other side of her illness, as she appears to be further along the manic course this time, and quite frankly, if she feels it is normal to be cleaning a street, licking the pavement and a million other things, then not buying a card or a present seems like a tiny irritation in the grand scheme of things.

Now, sadly, perhaps your mother isn't the sweetest person even when well; but she is extremely ill. She has poor insight, limited compliance and probably has a terror of being in a depressive phase, compared to manic phases when she feels absolutely invincible. The medications can make someone feel absolutely flat and unable to enjoy anything; is it any wonder that the joy and 'happiness' of a manic phase is so tempting that she doesn't want to take any medication?

Bipolar is a cruel illness for everyone, even when stablised. If someone actually feels good about themselves, they have the nagging fear that it means they are getting manic and they aren't really good at anything; if they don't feel good, are they getting low? People react to them in a way consist with how they have been when ill or dismiss their opinions as being irrelevant as they are probably ill. Others react positively when mania starts, as a hypomanic person can be a fun person to be around, but are nowhere to be seen later on, having encouraged the cessation of treatment by approving of the person when unwell. Those horrible people she is friends with do actually see her, come to her house, appear to accept her rather than cross the road to avoid her, if it weren't for them, who would she have to make her laugh?

It may be that her medication needs to be reviewed; there is a lot more than just lithium or valproate that can be used, antipsychotics, for example - but that is to discuss with the mental health team. Some teams are more likely to try alternatives than others without encouragement. But the side effects can involve liver failure, tremors, nausea, dizziness, depression, insomnia, interactions with food, other drugs, so many things that can lead to people not wanting to take them anymore.


Your little one won't be hurt by an ill woman not buying presents - certainly not at this age. Plenty of non-ill grandparents don't do presents and the children concerned don't expect it of them. In any case, next year could be completely different.

A lot of the behaviour you describe is perfectly normal for someone with uncontrolled bipolar. If you said she was doing it despite being absolutely calm, reasonable, sober and without the context of the recent episode, I would agree that she has learnt that she can do anything she likes and was taking advantage of the situation.


She is very ill. But doesn't realise it. If your little one was ill, you wouldn't hesitate to get her medical treatment as she can't do it for herself. Your mother is no different.


Please,try and get some support from social services, as you know that you would feel terrible if she actually died as a result of her illness and you had done nothing to get her help.

1more?

thanks again to all that have replied ive been trying to log in all morning & its saying wrong password

bus is coming - i have 2 older children who know nanny is unwell & acts funny i wouldnt want them to think her behaviour is normal !

wolfhouse - thanks i will check out your links, im in wales but im sure there will be some info

jammie - my mother was once on the depo but would no longer have it after once or twice, i dont think she wants to be well because shes having the time of her life while high

mahri - Your reactions are yours, it's your personality, with or without bipolar".
i think is it what i was trying to ask i understand her illness to a point although im not a professional ive lived with it for yrs,

when in a full blown manic stage she wouldnt know what she was doing but she isnt fully manic while abusing us or screaming at the next door neighbour for not cutting their lawn
i think her personality is such that she thinks its ok to say what she wants, expect everybody to do what she wants & when she wants it & everybody around her & her her self uses the excuse its because shes bi polar !
i wish there would be a turning point for her. well done to you for takng control x

jojo - i dont think she is in a complete manic phase ive seen it so many times, her manic phases can last for months on end & in that time she causes so much heartache & worry to me & all my family as well as p***ing us all off to the point where we have had enough, like now

the buying extravagent gifts is my mother anyway always trying to out do everybody
my mother is bitter & jelous in her nature always has been & i know that she didnt buy the baby to hurt me because thats what she does, hurt the people closest to her because she always gets away with it & not getting the baby anything was discussed with my sister last week, so she knew what she was doing !

im not sure she has a fear of a depressive stage as she has only had 1 bout of depression but i can understand she wants to feel well & stopping the medication makes her feel great but affects the people around her !
im not sure i understand your comment about her friends making her laugh, i fear they are laughing at her & taking advantage of her, sorry if i came across as if i dislike them but i do,
i found watching my mother licking up milk (this was a previous episode) distressing while this so called friend found it hilarious !:(

she has been on many types of medication, i dont think its the side affects i think its because she doesnt think shes ill so questions why should she have to take tablets !

jo nobody knows better than me how ill she is & i would never be able to just leave her ill without doing anything about it i just think it would be better for me & my family if i stepped away so i no longer get the hassle, that may sound really selfish but i dont know how much more of it i can take before it affects my mental health

ska_lover

Hi op

My sis has bi polar and I would say your mums behaviour is normal. I would say though it is very draining to be around someone with bipolar. With my sister it is all 'me me me' she is hugely demanding and i withdrew from being so involved in her life a couple of years ago, when I realised I didnt have a life of my own, and things important to me were let slip as 99% of my time was devoted to her and the fear of something happening to her.I felt my own sanity was slipping and my own life was passing me by, just to be constantly abused. I am no longer at her beck and call and she gets by.

ska_lover

1more? wrote: »

jo nobody knows better than me how ill she is & i would never be able to just leave her ill without doing anything about it i just think it would be better for me & my family if i stepped away so i no longer get the hassle, that may sound really selfish but i dont know how much more of it i can take before it affects my mental health

That is exactly how I felt. Me and my family were suffering massively. I cannot begin to tell you on here how much my sister and her constant need for attention had taken over 100% of all of our lives. It will affect your mental health, as you have enough going on with your own family.

Some people may think its a selfish attitude, but you will be no good to anyone - inc your own little family unit - if your mental health is affected hun

1more?

ska thank you

it is really draining & after years of it i have had enough, i have stepped away because at one point i was taking her back & fore appointments ect but i stopped that, im talking stepping away completly

i have always felt responsible for her but shes my mother not my child,
she is under the care of the community mental health team & her mental health should be their responsibility not me

ska people that see me as selfish will more than likely have a "normal" mother one that if she was or wasnt ill would never behave like mine !

System

1)are all bi polar suffers abusive ? (i think she uses it to get her own way)
No. I have bipolar but i'm not abusive in any way or form
2)would you carry on calling the drs to get her help if its causing so much hassle ?
Yes and no. Is there anyone else who can take over and get help for her instead?
3)why would she not get the baby a birthday card other than to upset me as she knows her screaming & shouting no longer gets a reaction ?
She could genuinely have forgotton. My great aunt is mentally ill and has forgotton most of our birthdays, despite my mum getting her cards and stamps and reminding her. It could be as a way to get a reaction if she feels she's no longer getting any reaction from you but its not a standard thing with bipolar otehrwise we'd all be like that
4)would you say anything about the card to her
Yes, i'd tell her that it has upset you. Maybe offer to remind her of upcoming birthdays? If she gets abusive then take a step back and let her cool off.

also maybe get in touch with http://www.mdf.org.uk/ who are a national bipolar charity. they have support groups that i find helpful

ska_lover

1more? wrote: »

ska thank you

it is really draining & after years of it i have had enough, i have stepped away because at one point i was taking her back & fore appointments ect but i stopped that, im talking stepping away completly

i have always felt responsible for her but shes my mother not my child,
she is under the care of the community mental health team & her mental health should be their responsibility not me

ska people that see me as selfish will more than likely have a "normal" mother one that if she was or wasnt ill would never behave like mine !

Well, don't let other peoples opinions bother you hun, - as no one has walked a mile in your shoes to understand the weight that is on your shoulders with this.

I could never go back to how things were with my sister.

I almost lost a really good job as my sister would have a 'crisis' that I would need to be present for, or she would turn up at my work drunk, screaming or crying and she would call me at work constantly and abuse other staff members who answered the call. I got so many warnings because of these kinds of things that I luckily found another job and left before I was fired. So I know I wouldn't be where I am in my career now, if I was still in the same situation.

Also, my relationship with my partner would have suffered even more, maybe even to breaking point. We are really happy, but I don't think that would be the case if my sister was still a huge part of my life. I would probably have ended up with mental health difficulties of my own and joined her in downing vodka every day.

So looking back, I am fairly certain that my career would have failed dramatically and I would probably have ended up a single lonely woman had I let my sister continue to take over my life.

Anyway, like I said, don't let other peoples opinions concern you.

ska_lover

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

1)are all bi polar suffers abusive ? (i think she uses it to get her own way)
No. I have bipolar but i'm not abusive in any way or form

I always felt the abuse from my sister was to get her own way, and I think a lot of the family did - but no one dared to air their thoughts. My sister is a very clever woman. Very manipulative. She is 40 years old, and still manages to get our parents who are in their 60's to pay her bills every week because all of her benefits must be spent on vodka, or she will 'kill herself'...its the common threat. Do this or I will kill myself etc that just does your HEAD IN. In the end I started to think 'Yeah yeah, Ive been hearing this for 20 years now...yawn!'

absolutebounder

1more? wrote: »

my q`s are
1)are all bi polar suffers abusive ? (i think she uses it to get her own way)

Not all the time ,no.

2)would you carry on calling the drs to get her help if its causing so much hassle ?

Yes but I would try and make sure doctors are helping and not just pandering to her whims.

3)why would she not get the baby a birthday card other than to upset me as she knows her screaming & shouting no longer gets a reaction ?

Perhaps you should just say to her something like "DD was so looking forward to a card from you. Im sure you didnt want to hurt her but she is very upset. Did you forget"

4)would you say anything about the card to her ?

See above

sorry this is so long, im so upset thats she would spite the baby
thanks for reading

Bi Polar is strange to those who dont suffer it. In life we experience good and bad things and we deal with them mostly as they happen. Particularly nasty things we tend to dissociate from ie we look at the memory as if it were on a cinema screen whereas nice things we tend to associate with ie we relive those memories and events as if we were right inside them. Now Bi polar people tend to associate with everything, both good and bad which is why they go from super high to very depressed. Depressed people tend to associate with the negative things and dissociate with the good bits.
Your mother probably needs a bit of TLC. That doesnt mean you cant be firm with her though, and dont give up on getting the professionals to help.