fall out with mother in law

p_joker

cheepskate wrote: »

All the bits you are complaining about, Have you asked her about them?

If not, then you need to , rather than sit on here to get only nice I agree with you replys and then totally blow it out of proportion.

NOBODY on here knows what she is thinking and until there are two sides to the story then nobody can really give you answers.

thanks for your reply, Im not looking for a yes I agree with you post I just wanted peoples opinions who may have been in a similar position but without people making stupid comments about things not actually relating to my problem, there are many very helpful people on here but at the same time there are a hand full of people that only reply to be argumentative and upset people when their already low. We let things slip for the last 2 years, just went along with our life we were annoyed that she was ignoring her grandson but we lived our life she lived hers but sending my husband a snotty message was the straw that broke the camels back and myself and my husband have both sent messages telling her how we feel about her treatment of our boy.

Pollycat

p_joker wrote: »

my husband sat down for an hour and a half and wrote her a long message explaining how he feels about things so now it is all out in the open, including her relationship with my son as yet we haven't had a reply only a short one to tell us she had read it and will respond in time,

I don't know how Facebook works as I don't use it but the message your OH wrote - is it visible to other people e.g. family or was it a private message for your MIL?

If it is visible, and he went into detail about how your MIL favours your first child I think unfortunately you've made a huge mistake and quite possibly alienated your OH's family as they'll think you're criticising her.
Even if it's a private message, I'm sure all the family will have had a look at it and be standing firmly behind your MIL.

From previous posts of yours, it's clear that there is a big problem with your OH's family. I'm not saying it's your fault - I have no way of knowing - but I think it's probably about to get a lot worse.

I've read through your first post and can see no mention that you've tried in the past to discuss the issue of different treatment of your boys with your MIL.

Why doesn't your OH ring his Mum and ask if it's OK to pop over and talk to her?

Why do people nowadays text and post messages on Facebook instead of getting together and talking their problems through?
Even in this thread, it's obvious that the written word can be taken the wrong way.

p_joker, I hope you don't consider my post as nasty and unhelpful, it's not meant that way.

p_joker

aliasojo wrote: »

OP, you wrote all that just before 2am. It's obviously all playing on your mind and it's good that you managed to get it out by writing it down on here. You will get replies that you feel aren't helpful, that's just how the internet goes. Try not to focus on them, by and large people don't set out to be unkind, even if sometimes that's how it may appear. Person one had a point, a solid block of text is very difficult to read and many people will be put off and just wont bother, so telling you how your post comes across, wasn't a bad thing.

As for the issues in your post, I think your MIL was seriously out of line and personally, I would have been having a conversation with her the minute I felt she was treating the children unfairly or favouring one over the other. My gut feeling is that she didn't act like this out of badness, she probably just had a very deep bond with your first child and couldn't see past that. She was very foolish and very much in the wrong imo but what's done is done and it's all about where you go from here.

As for the fire, I suspect she got a shock and needed to feel cared for. Perhaps she was acting a tad irrationally (how could you visit if you didn't know where she was?), but then again, why didn't you know where she was? Did you not ask? I'm assuming she had a phone? You knew she was on FB so you could have found out that way? Maybe she felt as if you just didn't give a toss? Maybe her 'vile' message was a reaction to how she felt? (Depending on what the message actually was...was it clearly vile or was it just your feelings about her that made it seem vile?)

Who knows the reasons why people act the way they do? One thing's for sure, communication is the key. I'm not sure why you sent a letter instead of meeting up with her for a chat? A letter is fine to an extent but I would have thought face to face talking would have been better for an initial contact about it all. When things are written down, interpretaion can play a huge part in determining meaning, when you are face to face there is often more accuracy and everyone knows exactly what is being said and what it means.

I think maybe you both need to consider things from the other person's viewpoint. You are both clearly annoyed with each other. There is very little in life that is one sided, most people will have reasons why they act the way they do. You don't have to agree with each other, you just need to accept the other person's feelings 'as is' and take them on board.

I hope you can all clear the air.


Edit: Person one, I think maybe the OP was in an emotional state when she wrote that and was perhaps a tad too sensitive. She probably had a knee-jerk reaction to your post, and maybe you could cut her some slack? (You could have added one of these to show her you meant well and weren't just getting on her case?) There's been a lot of posts lately where people are being jumped on for their lack of grammar/punctuation etc, sometimes it's hard to know the intent behind posting advice, iyswim?

Sorry if I'm assuming too much OP. Was just a thought, I'm feeling mellow and all agony aunt today.

thanks hun for your reply, I think the reason we didn't ask where she was was because over the last 2 years as I said we have felt pushed out we have each other me and husband and 2 children and my dad that seems to be the only family we have but shes had a close family unit of her husband, her youngest son and husbands family and her friends who she wants to spend time with, shes made it clear in the past that she thinks my d.h only gets in touch when he wants something but when we go round her house she always has a comment to make e.g she had a row with us once because when we moved house we didn't apply for housing benefit we only applied for it when we needed it not for the sake of it and she said we should have done it years ago and got narky about it, when we visit for mothers day for e.g after about half an hour she starts packing up the kids toys and saying right come on time to tidy up and that's our cue that its time for us to go. I don't know its all a bit awkward really :-(

gratefulforhelp_2

p_joker wrote: »

then I go back to what I said in the 1st line - please don't reply if your only going to be nasty and unhelpful. honestly I don't need any smart !!!! replies just someone to talk to who might understand and have a kind ear.:(

You need to be a bit less agressive.

*Louise* wrote: »

I think for now, since your husband has already written her a reply, all you can do it sit back, pull together and wait for the reply she had intimated is coming. Why not invite her over to discuss any problem she may have after her next message, asuming she is being more reaonable?

Agreed. Two questions, does MIL have mental health issues? and does your DH have all her correct contact details?

Conducting family relationships on F/B is fraught with difficulties.

suelizab wrote: »

Uncalled for, there was no nastiness there!

Yep, person one had a point and would have offered you some sensible advice.

pimento

With text messages and Facbook, I don't know how anyone is still speaking to each other.

You and your MIL need to talk to each other face to face, not Facebook or phone calls/texts.

Have you thought she might not think she could cope looking after two small children? I'm not sure I'd want two at once.

picnmix

I think it is up to your OH to talk with his mum, I am also of the opinion that no good comes of dealing with family issues on FB.

My own mum has never had my second DD over night at her house, she has my first DD a few times a year for the night. It has never occured to me that she prefers my eldest, I think my mum just finds it easier to have the older one overnight and not the younger, I don't have a problem with this and she tells my DD2 that when she is a bit older she can go for a sleepover. Maybe you MIL just feels more confident to deal with the eldest and wants to make a fuss of them so they dont feel things have changed because of a new baby.

As for your OH and his relationship with his mum, he needs to sort this out not you, I have loads of things that bug me about my in-laws (and I am sure I bug them) but at the end of the day they are not my parents, they are my DH's and whatever happens I smile and get on with them, he may rant and rave but he has the history with them to be able to be upset and then to sort problems out, I don't think it is as easy for a mum-in-law to have a fall out with daughter-in-law and then forgive and forget.

HTH

Don't take things to personally, the in-laws have been through a lot wiht the fire, I suggest your OH buys his mum a bunch of flowers and goes to give her a hug.

adouglasmhor

p_joker wrote: »

then I go back to what I said in the 1st line - please don't reply if your only going to be nasty and unhelpful. honestly I don't need any smart !!!! replies just someone to talk to who might understand and have a kind ear.:(

It's hard to be sympathetic when you have to struggle to read what you have posted though, It sounds like your MIL is out of her depth and lashing out and I am sorry you have borne the brunt of it.

viktory

I didn't bother to read it for two reasons - badly written and the OP is rude.

Pollycat

viktory wrote: »

I didn't bother to read it for two reasons - badly written and the OP is rude.

I think in fairness to the OP it was written when she was pretty stressed out and tired (it was at 01:49 this morning).

I did think the OP was unnecessarily sharp with Person_one (who seems to post some decent advice) but I guess that too could be put down to stress.

I just wish that people would stop bloody texting and posting messages on facebook and actually talk face-to-face to sort real or imagined problems out.

Mojisola

p_joker wrote: »

before I write this please do not reply if your going to be nasty and unhelpful Ive been through enough lately and just need someone to talk to without fear of being shot down by people Im sorry its so long but I want to be honest and try not to paint it as one sided and put in as much detail as I can

........ok my story is this. I have 2 sons one is 4 the other is 2 years -3 months. My eldest son when he was born was adored by my mother in law she used to have him round her house as often as she could, she bought lovely outfits for him, toys, her husband took on the roll of granddad although hes not but we were ok with this as his natural Granddad didn't seem interested.

We always wanted to try for another baby and hoped for a 2 year age gap, when the time came we were very lucky to fall pregnant straight away and just before my 1st scan we told my husbands family we were expecting again while we were having a meal, they seemed happy enough but didn't quite get the reaction we thought.

well when the time came and I had my baby M.I.L came to visit me in hospital she didn't stay long but she had my other boy with her, I was a bit upset however when she picked my baby up for all of about 1 min before putting him back in the cot, then as the weeks and months passed she would ask to have my eldest on a saturday night and we thought as I was breast feeding she obviously couldn't take him but when she came to the house she wouldn't even give him a cuddle for fear of upsetting my eldest, this would bother us but we hoped that as he got older she would treat them the same but this has never happened.

My dad was in intensive care before christmas he spent about a week and a half there, I don't have any other close family to call on so we asked her if she could watch the kids when they moved my dad to another hospital she said she would BUT could only have my eldest over night not both.

She has never had my youngest round hers without us asking her first on the very rear occasion that our work hours clash and needed the kids looking after and this has only been for 4 hours at a time max,

also in the last 2 years my husband and I have seemed very pushed out, my brother in law moved down shortly before I was expecting, he had some problems so moved back in with his mum, we then saw less of her she used to pop in on the way to her mums but that stopped, family meals or BBQs we never get invited to and i hate to mention the dreaded facebook but pictures of these events would pop up on there and put our noses out of joint.

Well me and my D.H got the chance to move not a huge distance only 20 mins drive away but I felt the area would be a much better place to bring my kids up as where we were before was rough drug dealers on the corner etc and I also felt that as we hadn't been included much that my D.Hs family wouldn't miss us

........ now my mother in law had some pretty rough luck they sold their house and 3 weeks after moving into their new house there was a fire, the kitchen was a right off and the rest is smoke damaged, we found out about a fire when my B.I.L phoned us the day after it happened and my d.h phoned his mum straight away and said anything I can do mum you know where I am Im only a phone call away and Im pleased to help,

now as far as I was aware at the time there had been a bit of a fire in the kitchen but we didn't know how bad it was and thought they would be back in their home after a few weeks, their dog was killed in the fire and I was very upset and cut up for them because being an animal lover I could feel their pain,

then on wednesday my d.h had a vile message off her (no phone call, no visit) on facebook! now he doesn't go on facebook much and the only reason he knew he had it was because he checked his emails and she basically had a rant about how p1ssed off she is that we haven't taken the BOYS round to see her (we don't even know where she is living) wants to know what she has done to p1ss me off as I didn't even wish her a happy birthday (im assuming she means on facebook)- I bought her birthday cards from my husband and I and one from the kids as my husband would forget his own birthday and I reminded him over and over about it,

she said how she had waited in all saturday afternoon (before fire) because she thought my husband was bringing the kids round now i know this is crap because my husband phoned her half a dozen times on the friday and left many texts asking if there was any chance she could take the boys on sunday so I could do an extra shift at work and she wouldn't answer and she said how selfish we are that they have been left devastated by the fire and what have we done phoned them once.

My husband and I have had one saturday off and a sunday between us since we moved the sunday my mum rode her bike 15 miles to see us, his mum works monday-friday and my husband works most weekends, I don't drive so we have been unable to take the kids anyway but to get a message like this really put my back up because I thought after 2 years of having pretty much nothing to do with my son who does she think she is now to come over like this?

I know she has been through a tough time but thats no excuse to talk to us like that, my husband sat down for an hour and a half and wrote her a long message explaining how he feels about things so now it is all out in the open, including her relationship with my son as yet we haven't had a reply only a short one to tell us she had read it and will respond in time,

I feel pretty bad about the whole situation and I don't want my husband to fall out with his mum or blame me but do you think its better that we said something and where should we go from here? oh and I should prob add that I would NEVER turn round and say she can't see the kids I want her too but I can't understand why she has spent no time out of choice with my youngest and now this?

It's a shame things have been left festering for so long before coming out in the open. It's all going to be much worse now than if each problem had been dealt with at the time.

At the moment it sounds as if both sides have got grievances and feel hard done by. In these situations, it usually needs one side to back down a bit. If you and your OH can be big enough to take one for the family, it will all be settled more quickly.