fall out with mother in law

p_joker

before I write this please do not reply if your going to be nasty and unhelpful Ive been through enough lately and just need someone to talk to without fear of being shot down by people Im sorry its so long but I want to be honest and try not to paint it as one sided and put in as much detail as I can
........ok my story is this. I have 2 sons one is 4 the other is 2 years -3 months. My eldest son when he was born was adored by my mother in law she used to have him round her house as often as she could, she bought lovely outfits for him, toys, her husband took on the roll of granddad although hes not but we were ok with this as his natural Granddad didn't seem interested. We always wanted to try for another baby and hoped for a 2 year age gap, when the time came we were very lucky to fall pregnant straight away and just before my 1st scan we told my husbands family we were expecting again while we were having a meal, they seemed happy enough but didn't quite get the reaction we thought.
well when the time came and I had my baby M.I.L came to visit me in hospital she didn't stay long but she had my other boy with her, I was a bit upset however when she picked my baby up for all of about 1 min before putting him back in the cot, then as the weeks and months passed she would ask to have my eldest on a saturday night and we thought as I was breast feeding she obviously couldn't take him but when she came to the house she wouldn't even give him a cuddle for fear of upsetting my eldest, this would bother us but we hoped that as he got older she would treat them the same but this has never happened.



My dad was in intensive care before christmas he spent about a week and a half there, I don't have any other close family to call on so we asked her if she could watch the kids when they moved my dad to another hospital she said she would BUT could only have my eldest over night not both.
She has never had my youngest round hers without us asking her first on the very rear occasion that our work hours clash and needed the kids looking after and this has only been for 4 hours at a time max, also in the last 2 years my husband and I have seemed very pushed out, my brother in law moved down shortly before I was expecting, he had some problems so moved back in with his mum, we then saw less of her she used to pop in on the way to her mums but that stopped, family meals or BBQs we never get invited to and i hate to mention the dreaded facebook but pictures of these events would pop up on there and put our noses out of joint.

Well me and my D.H got the chance to move not a huge distance only 20 mins drive away but I felt the area would be a much better place to bring my kids up as where we were before was rough drug dealers on the corner etc and I also felt that as we hadn't been included much that my D.Hs family wouldn't miss us

........ now my mother in law had some pretty rough luck they sold their house and 3 weeks after moving into their new house there was a fire, the kitchen was a right off and the rest is smoke damaged, we found out about a fire when my B.I.L phoned us the day after it happened and my d.h phoned his mum straight away and said anything I can do mum you know where I am Im only a phone call away and Im pleased to help, now as far as I was aware at the time there had been a bit of a fire in the kitchen but we didn't know how bad it was and thought they would be back in their home after a few weeks, their dog was killed in the fire and I was very upset and cut up for them because being an animal lover I could feel their pain,
then on wednesday my d.h had a vile message off her (no phone call, no visit) on facebook! now he doesn't go on facebook much and the only reason he knew he had it was because he checked his emails and she basically had a rant about how p1ssed off she is that we haven't taken the BOYS round to see her (we don't even know where she is living) wants to know what she has done to p1ss me off as I didn't even wish her a happy birthday (im assuming she means on facebook)- I bought her birthday cards from my husband and I and one from the kids as my husband would forget his own birthday and I reminded him over and over about it, she said how she had waited in all saturday afternoon (before fire) because she thought my husband was bringing the kids round now i know this is crap because my husband phoned her half a dozen times on the friday and left many texts asking if there was any chance she could take the boys on sunday so I could do an extra shift at work and she wouldn't answer and she said how selfish we are that they have been left devastated by the fire and what have we done phoned them once.
My husband and I have had one saturday off and a sunday between us since we moved the sunday my mum rode her bike 15 miles to see us, his mum works monday-friday and my husband works most weekends, I don't drive so we have been unable to take the kids anyway but to get a message like this really put my back up because I thought after 2 years of having pretty much nothing to do with my son who does she think she is now to come over like this? I know she has been through a tough time but thats no excuse to talk to us like that, my husband sat down for an hour and a half and wrote her a long message explaining how he feels about things so now it is all out in the open, including her relationship with my son as yet we haven't had a reply only a short one to tell us she had read it and will respond in time,

I feel pretty bad about the whole situation and I don't want my husband to fall out with his mum or blame me but do you think its better that we said something and where should we go from here? oh and I should prob add that I would NEVER turn round and say she can't see the kids I want her too but I can't understand why she has spent no time out of choice with my youngest and now this?

Person_one

I did try to read it, but you need some paragraph breaks or bullet points, its too hard on the eyes when its just an unbroken block of solid text.

p_joker

Person_one wrote: »

I did try to read it, but you need some paragraph breaks or bullet points, its too hard on the eyes when its just an unbroken block of solid text.

then I go back to what I said in the 1st line - please don't reply if your only going to be nasty and unhelpful. honestly I don't need any smart !!!! replies just someone to talk to who might understand and have a kind ear.:(

*Louise*

Well I can't even begin to guess what her real problem is- I can only think that she is still devastated by the fire and is taking her anger out on family members for whatever reason?

I do think you need to say something though, and part of that conversation has to include asking why she hasn't made much of a fuss over your youngest? Was she hoping for a girl or something? some (thankfully very few!) Grannies can be disappointed if it's the 'wrong' sex to what they were expecting, my sister has a MIL like that sadly

I think for now, since your husband has already written her a reply, all you can do it sit back, pull together and wait for the reply she had intimated is coming. Why not invite her over to discuss any problem she may have after her next message, asuming she is being more reaonable?

I wish you luck with whatever comes next, I'm sure between the two of you you will stand firm and get things sorted

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

She was considerate? respectful? polite? enough to acknowledge the letter and say that she would read it and think of a reply. Even if it is a negative one, she has at least noted that you have contacted her. This may repair your relationship, it may not. But she has communicated with you in a neutral rather than negative way. This is a start.

Perhaps they needed someone to come and take the strain off rather than call and ask for help? Some people are unable to ask for help when they need it most. (I'm one of them)


Perhaps she is scared to show favouritism towards your youngest because she has memories of difficulties with the baby of her family getting better treatment, or out of your OH and BIL there were problems when the youngest was small. The only way you will find out is if she is willing to talk about it. But I have known older people who have pronounced that the baby always has all the attention and fuss when the older ones are abandoned, even when the older child isn't really losing out at all.


I hope you can sort it out - and starting the conversation with 'I never want you to miss out on your grandsons' lives - they need you and I want them to have a fantastic relationship with you' might be a good starting point.

suelizab

p_joker wrote: »

then I go back to what I said in the 1st line - please don't reply if your only going to be nasty and unhelpful. honestly I don't need any smart !!!! replies just someone to talk to who might understand and have a kind ear.:(

Uncalled for, there was no nastiness there!

*max*

As per previous threads, you're making a mountain out of nothing. I think people are afraid to reply because whatever isn't a direct "Hugsssssssss!!!! So sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!! Can't believe she'd do this to you, you pooooor thing!!!" is going to be seen as an attack. It's tedious.

cheepskate_2

All the bits you are complaining about, Have you asked her about them?

If not, then you need to , rather than sit on here to get only nice I agree with you replys and then totally blow it out of proportion.

NOBODY on here knows what she is thinking and until there are two sides to the story then nobody can really give you answers.

Person_one

p_joker wrote: »

then I go back to what I said in the 1st line - please don't reply if your only going to be nasty and unhelpful. honestly I don't need any smart !!!! replies just someone to talk to who might understand and have a kind ear.:(

Silly me, thinking you wouldn't want your writing style to stop you getting replies and that a heads up might be helpful. I see you have added paragraphs despite the fact that it was a 'nasty and unhelpful' suggestion!

I had every intention of re-reading and responding but I don't think I'll waste my time after this particular bit of hypocrisy from you.

aliasojo

OP, you wrote all that just before 2am. It's obviously all playing on your mind and it's good that you managed to get it out by writing it down on here. You will get replies that you feel aren't helpful, that's just how the internet goes. Try not to focus on them, by and large people don't set out to be unkind, even if sometimes that's how it may appear. Person one had a point, a solid block of text is very difficult to read and many people will be put off and just wont bother, so telling you how your post comes across, wasn't a bad thing.

As for the issues in your post, I think your MIL was seriously out of line and personally, I would have been having a conversation with her the minute I felt she was treating the children unfairly or favouring one over the other. My gut feeling is that she didn't act like this out of badness, she probably just had a very deep bond with your first child and couldn't see past that. She was very foolish and very much in the wrong imo but what's done is done and it's all about where you go from here.

As for the fire, I suspect she got a shock and needed to feel cared for. Perhaps she was acting a tad irrationally (how could you visit if you didn't know where she was?), but then again, why didn't you know where she was? Did you not ask? I'm assuming she had a phone? You knew she was on FB so you could have found out that way? Maybe she felt as if you just didn't give a toss? Maybe her 'vile' message was a reaction to how she felt? (Depending on what the message actually was...was it clearly vile or was it just your feelings about her that made it seem vile?)

Who knows the reasons why people act the way they do? One thing's for sure, communication is the key. I'm not sure why you sent a letter instead of meeting up with her for a chat? A letter is fine to an extent but I would have thought face to face talking would have been better for an initial contact about it all. When things are written down, interpretaion can play a huge part in determining meaning, when you are face to face there is often more accuracy and everyone knows exactly what is being said and what it means.

I think maybe you both need to consider things from the other person's viewpoint. You are both clearly annoyed with each other. There is very little in life that is one sided, most people will have reasons why they act the way they do. You don't have to agree with each other, you just need to accept the other person's feelings 'as is' and take them on board.

I hope you can all clear the air.


Edit: Person one, I think maybe the OP was in an emotional state when she wrote that and was perhaps a tad too sensitive. She probably had a knee-jerk reaction to your post, and maybe you could cut her some slack? (You could have added one of these to show her you meant well and weren't just getting on her case?) There's been a lot of posts lately where people are being jumped on for their lack of grammar/punctuation etc, sometimes it's hard to know the intent behind posting advice, iyswim?

Sorry if I'm assuming too much OP. Was just a thought, I'm feeling mellow and all agony aunt today.

3v3

Hope it doesn't offend, but I've picked out the nub of things from your post to get the following synopsis:

p_joker wrote: »

... She has never had my youngest round hers without us asking her first ... in the last 2 years my husband and I have seemed very pushed out, ...
........ now my mother in law had some pretty rough luck ... 3 weeks after moving into their new house there was a fire, the kitchen was a right off and the rest is smoke damaged ...we didn't know how bad it was and thought they would be back in their home after a few weeks, their dog was killed in the fire ...
then on wednesday my d.h had a vile message off her ... a rant about how p1ssed off she is that we haven't taken the BOYS round to see her ... wants to know what she has done to p1ss me off ... how selfish we are that they have been left devastated by the fire and what have we done phoned them once.
... to get a message like this really put my back up because I thought after 2 years of having pretty much nothing to do with my son who does she think she is now to come over like this? I know she has been through a tough time but thats no excuse to talk to us like that, my husband sat down for an hour and a half and wrote her a long message explaining how he feels about things so now it is all out in the open, including her relationship with my son as yet we haven't had a reply only a short one to tell us she had read it and will respond in time ...

There are two seperate issues: your feelings that you have been pushed out since your youngest was born because she doesn't appear to show the same amount of time equally with both of your sons; during these two years you have been feeling sensitive to this and your MIL has picked up on the fact you are not as happy with her.

For two years, neither you, or she, have communicated how you are feeling. Its festered.

Second issue is, she's had a fire, it led to the death of her dog and she has only heard from your household once. Scarey and shoking for her.

This has been a catalyst for bringing up those previously "hidden" emotions of the past two years to the surface. For both sides.

You can't take back the message that your husband has sent but I agree with this poster:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote:

She was considerate? respectful? polite? enough to acknowledge the letter and say that she would read it and think of a reply. Even if it is a negative one, she has at least noted that you have contacted her. This may repair your relationship, it may not. But she has communicated with you in a neutral rather than negative way. This is a start.

Hopefully, before she does respond, it might be wise for you to take a couple of steps back from the situation and try to put yourself in her shoes. No idea what your husband wrote, but, based on what you wrote in your post I doubt it wasn't without a comment which may upset her ...

p_joker wrote:

to get a message like this really put my back up because I thought after 2 years of having pretty much nothing to do with my son who does she think she is now to come over like this?

She is the mother of your husband and Grandmother to your children who has very recently had the shock (and fear!) of a house fire, the disruption of displacement and is also grieving for her dog killed in the fire. That must really have shaken her up. Now, as a mother yourself, ask yourself how do you think you would feel if it were your house that caught fire and took your dogs life and one of your sons contacted you once, by phone, in 3 weeks?

Obviously it's impossible to know how you would truly react in her shoes because I've learned in life that how we like to *think* we would react in a given situation doesn't always mean that is how we actually end up reacting.

Regarding her relationship with your sons, what sort of relationship did your dh and BIL have with their Grandparents? Was one of them particularly close to one Grandparent more than the other? What was their "norm"?

One of the most important things you can do when situations like these blow up really is to "put yourself in their shoes"; look at things from the other persons point of view.

The next very important thing you should do is: keep the communications going and never allow these things to reach this crescendo. How you were feeling about how she interacts with each of your sons should have been brought up sooner and not left to fester for 2 years. The same is true of your "feelings" of being left out. No one is a mind reader and, as you can see from her message, she was feeling that she'd upset you but had no clue how/why?

Good luck.