Advice - cannot keep friends!

ashaput

May be I can understand how you feel because one of my bestfriends have ever in the same boat with you. During her senior high she's been used, treated not so good and betrayed by those she thought bestfriends. Since then she has no trust at all to everyone she met.When she entered a university we were met and you know what, we could be bestfriend up till now, well it's been 6 years. She told me the way I treat her makes her feel comfortable to be close to me. She felt no boundaries when we talk, she felt she found her real bestfriend. So what I'm trying to say here is to not worry about it too much. Someday you will find someone you can trust.

hayleyholly

Louise22 wrote: »

Hi everyone

To cut a very long story short (I don't to bore people) I really struggle to keep friends. I feel very lonely sometimes and although I am surrounded with people everyday at work, people that I can have a laugh with but I feel that I don't connect with people. Does that make sense?

Through various stages at my life I have been used by very people and feel that this affects current relationships with people now. If people aren't there for me (for example there have been a few issues over the past couple of years where I have really needed support) I tend to just walk away and want nothing to do with them. However, I don't know if I am being harsh - even if people p1ss me off once I seem to fly off the handle. I don't want to be like this.

I am sick of feeling that I have no-one and that I can't maintain friendships (at least the sort of friendships that I seem to want)

Sorry everyone, rant over. I don't think I have explained myself well and I am feeling upset

I know exactly how you feel, infact it was like I had written this I have no tolerance of people who are not willing to give back what they receive (two way friendship). I hope you sort things out - as I have now lost all my friends due to this, but I seem to be happy for the time being

Good luck

Hermia

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

People don't automatically know these things you know!

Exactly! I wish women would just tell their friends/family what they wanted instead of expecting people to read their minds. This is one area where I envy men who seem to be far more direct. I have seen so many friendships go wrong because both women just assumed the other saw things the same way they did. I also think it's so easy to get it wrong when you are trying to guess what someone wants. When I am ill I like to be left alone so I don't automatically think that an ill friend will want me constantly badgering them. But, they might like having people constantly fussing around them when they are ill. You have to let people know what you want.

OP - I can understand you have got a bit sensitive about things, but I think you need to be a little more forgiving in friendships. If you walk away the moment someone lets you down you never give them the opportunity to learn and redeem themselves. I think my life really changed when I figured out that friends don't have to provide you with everything. It's perfectly okay to put friends into compartments and have friends who provide you with different things. I have a friend who I would never rely on emotionally. She just runs away from any kind of emotional problem and is useless if someone is going through a crisis. But I keep her as a friend because she gives me so many other things. She is great fun and always believes in everything her friends do. On the other hand my cousin is a loyal supportive friend, but I wouldn't discuss any big plans or dreams with her because she has limited imagination and is very risk-averse.

Making friends is hard, but I think you need to just slowly dip your toe in and not expect too much. Don't automatically dismiss a friendship because it's just centred around one thing or because it doesn't develop into a intimate emotional friendship.

Louise22

Thanks guys. I wish I could think as rationally as you lot.

diggle

Louise,
I can relate to a lot of what you feeling,although i suspect i am alot older.
I have also felt friendships can be very one sided,and have been let down by those i thought i could trust ,which now makes me extremly guarded.does that make people like us wrong?or just different,it takes allsorts to make the world go round,if you want to change the way you are ,you will in your own time x

ricardo62

Louise22 wrote: »

Hi everyone

To cut a very long story short (I don't to bore people) I really struggle to keep friends. I feel very lonely sometimes and although I am surrounded with people everyday at work, people that I can have a laugh with but I feel that I don't connect with people. Does that make sense?

Through various stages at my life I have been used by very people and feel that this affects current relationships with people now. If people aren't there for me (for example there have been a few issues over the past couple of years where I have really needed support) I tend to just walk away and want nothing to do with them. However, I don't know if I am being harsh - even if people p1ss me off once I seem to fly off the handle. I don't want to be like this.

I am sick of feeling that I have no-one and that I can't maintain friendships (at least the sort of friendships that I seem to want)

Sorry everyone, rant over. I don't think I have explained myself well and I am feeling upset

dnt wori bout it i havent any friends and dnt want any!! i like being on my own in fact i dnt particuly like people i answer 2 myself and nobody else ...

Lifesaver

I could have also written this. I have been let down so many times it's just unbelievable.

My 'friend's' husband lost his job, they were in dire straights, then son involved in an accident, all money was spent in fuel costs to the hospital. Muggins here decided it would be nice to get a load of shopping delivered to help out, which was well received at the time.

My birthday - no card or present, which was fine as I knew they had no spare money.

Then lo and behold on facebook she's written she's so excited cos she's bought another friend Rock Concert tickets as a thank you and birthday present.

These were £90 each......not the cheap seats!

I'm absolutely furious, I wasnt that flush, but went out of my way to ensure they had food on their table, that was just a smack in the face!

If that's the way friends treat me - then I'd rather be on my own!

make_me_wise

Louise22 wrote: »

If people aren't there for me (for example there have been a few issues over the past couple of years where I have really needed support) I tend to just walk away and want nothing to do with them. However, I don't know if I am being harsh - even if people p1ss me off once I seem to fly off the handle. I don't want to be like this.

Everyone leads really busy lives. I am sure we would all like to think that if friends needed us we would be there for them. Realistically though with all the demands people have on their lives, its not always possible.

If your reaction to someone not being there for you as and when you need, is to walk away and want nothing to do with them, then its small wonder you feel alone. I would quickly grow tired of someone behaving that way toward me just because I couldn't help them out. Friendships are about give and take and compromise not expecting others to drop everything and be at our beck and call.

As for flying off the handle at people because they have annoyed you, to me that is a childish way to carry on. Maybe you are justified in feeling p1ssed off with them but by reacting that way you are taking yourself down to their level.

I think if you work on these areas you will be able to form and hold onto many more friendships.

ciderwithrosie_2

Lifesaver wrote: »

Muggins here decided it would be nice to get a load of shopping delivered to help out, which was well received at the time.

It was a very nice thing to do and they thanked you at the time, but for how long do they have to continue to be grateful?
You did a good deed - end of

lizzie157

I struggle too. People I thought would be there for me aren't or haven't been. Now try to enjoy my own company and put myself first abit -doesn't come naturally but it helps. Do sometimes wish I had someone to go for a night out with but apart from that I enjoy being in my own company.