Advice - cannot keep friends!

Louise22

Hi everyone

To cut a very long story short (I don't to bore people) I really struggle to keep friends. I feel very lonely sometimes and although I am surrounded with people everyday at work, people that I can have a laugh with but I feel that I don't connect with people. Does that make sense?

Through various stages at my life I have been used by very people and feel that this affects current relationships with people now. If people aren't there for me (for example there have been a few issues over the past couple of years where I have really needed support) I tend to just walk away and want nothing to do with them. However, I don't know if I am being harsh - even if people p1ss me off once I seem to fly off the handle. I don't want to be like this.

I am sick of feeling that I have no-one and that I can't maintain friendships (at least the sort of friendships that I seem to want)

Sorry everyone, rant over. I don't think I have explained myself well and I am feeling upset

Plans_all_plans

By the sound of it, you have unrealistic expectations of people. I have one friend who I think would drop everything for me if I needed her out of a large group of about 20 close friends who I see often and maintain contact with.

People have their own lives and once they have families/jobs/homes of their own, they are bound to concentrate harder on these things than friendships.

I would like to think I would be there for my friends, but realistically I wouldn't be able to be now that I have my own family. If I was single and carefree I could concern myself more with a friend whose relationship broke down for example.

In terms of dropping people who have upset you once, you are shooting yourself in the foot! If I dropped everyone who upset me once, I'd not have anyone! It's human nature to be put out now and again, but you have to realise that people are unlikely to be doing it on purpose! Best of luck.

shy-but-need-help

I think the fact you've managed to realise it and admit it to yourself is probably a huge step in moving forwards- you seem quite confident you've pinpointed the route of where your friendships/relationships seem to fail which I think has to give you a starting point for working out strategies where you could make different choices/responses in how you chose to deal with them, such as taking a break from the relationship rather than cutting them off entirely, just distancing yourself until you feel able to approach them about why their lack of support upset you? Could it be that you come over as quite an independant person who doesn't need support and that is why people fail to provide it when you need it?

I also don't think it's strange that you can have a laugh with people at work but not connect- at the end of the day are they people you have anything in common with other than working at the same place? (I realised this when I kept "failing" to form the same fantastic friendships others seem to get from antenatal classes, I just didn't and then one day my DH said to me "well other than getting pregnant the same time as them what else do you have in common" and he was right!)

Louise22

Thanks guys

I know sometimes that I have unrealistic expectations but to give an example of the sort of thing I am talking about:

I was off work for 6 weeks last year with depression. I had moved 230 miles away from home, my family and everything I knew. It took ages to settle in, my job was very stressful and my mum was/is unwell which was very stressful given that I was so far away. When I was off sick, alone in my flat and quite unwell (my bf was at work) I has ONE visit in 6 weeks. These people do not have families or partners and they live around the corner from me. I was so upset and to be honest have never been able to forget. There are other examples of stuff. I dont think it is asking too much that people came to see me when I was quite unwell.

Even now I feel like I am not properly friends with people. Im sorry I know I am rambling and I know that people are not perfect and that people have their own lives. I just feel so upset at times, so lonely, so inadequate.

Louise22

PLUS the reason I seem to be quite harsh is that I was so shafted by so many people, people that I would give a million chances to just for them to do it again. Now if someone does it once or twice I maybe want to nip it in the bud so just cut myself off?

Plans_all_plans

Did you text your friends and ask them to come and visit you? If I was ill, I'd have texted my friends to say I'd have appreciated a visit if they weren't coming of their own accord. If I had to keep texting them or they didn't come after I spelled it out to them, then I'd have been p*ssed off, but they probably just didn't think.

podperson

Hun, I do get where you're coming from as sometimes I can feel like my friends can never be bothered and it's always me that has to make all the effort in the relationship - especially since I moved just over a year ago and some people if I'd left it up to them I'd never have been in contact with them since. I just try and think that some people are like that and I can either accept that it's just the way they are and enjoy seeing them when I can or else just give up and never see them again - which would be a shame.
Not to excuse your friends really but perhaps they just felt that if you were ill you would want some peace and quiet rather then people coming round?

abbecer

Hi Louise22. I sometimes feel like you do but I think it is my own low self esteem that makes me "over think" things. I wonder if this is the same with you. Also re. your earlier depression I think it is a very isolative illness anyway and people do back off becaused they don't really know what to say. I too suffered severe depression after having my boys and felt like everyone avoided me. It was a very lonely time. You need to start afresh with your relationships and try to be more tolerant, no one is perfect. My best friend of 25 years annoys the hell out of me sometimes and I feel like I could walk away from the friendship, then sometimes she does something that reminds me why I chose her to be in my life. If you earn to accept people's faults as well as their positives I feel you will have better relationships. Think of tomorrow as a new day and a fresh start. Hope you soon start to feel happier and more positive. ))))) xxxx

Louise22

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Did you text your friends and ask them to come and visit you? If I was ill, I'd have texted my friends to say I'd have appreciated a visit if they weren't coming of their own accord. If I had to keep texting them or they didn't come after I spelled it out to them, then I'd have been p*ssed off, but they probably just didn't think.

No I didn't. They all knew that I had been unwell though. In my defence I was an absolute mess, didn't know whether I was coming or going. At the time I didn't even think about it but now when I think back it was absolutely wrong imo. I had absolutely no contact. Am i really wrong for thinking that if they knew I was unwell they would have at least to have wanted to see me or know how I was?

I have been struggling recently with various things and I have been really honest with people, that I need support and more contact but nothing has changed, despite me spelling it out.

Plans_all_plans

No you're not expecting too much to want them to come and see you if they know you're unwell. In fact, good friends would come to see you without you needing to spell it out. I'm just thinking that you may be friends with people with kids etc and it can be difficult for them to always be thinking of friends once they've got their own families, but you've said this is not the case.

If you have TOLD them how you feel and nothing has changed then they are in the wrong in my opinion. Can I ask how you know these people you are friends with?

Louise22

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

No you're not expecting too much to want them to come and see you if they know you're unwell. In fact, good friends would come to see you without you needing to spell it out. I'm just thinking that you may be friends with people with kids etc and it can be difficult for them to always be thinking of friends once they've got their own families, but you've said this is not the case.

If you have TOLD them how you feel and nothing has changed then they are in the wrong in my opinion. Can I ask how you know these people you are friends with?

I have met them through my boyfriend, they were his friends first. I need to make more friends but my confidence seems to be at rock bottom meaning I don't even know where to start. Most friends I have ever had I have lost: I dont know if that is because I have been drawn to the wrong people or if I have pushed people away.