Advice - cannot keep friends!

Plans_all_plans

I think you need to make friends of your own. It is never a good idea for your only friends to be tighter with your b/friend than with you, cos if you break up, they'll side with him on the whole.

Could you invite a group from work out for drinks every fortnight or so? Join a dance class like Zumba? Go to aqua aerobics? Start volunteering? These are all good ways to make friends. As is attending a church if you are religious. I moved 250 miles away from all my family and friends 2 years ago and knew no-one but my husband. I did all the things above and have now got quite a good group of friends.

podperson

Agree you should try and get out and meet some new people, when I moved here I didn't really know anyone except my OH and his new friends he'd met. What kind of things are you interested in? Could look at film/book groups, exercise or dance classes, college course etc. I tried a few of the meetup groups at first but didn't really click with them and found it a lot easier when I knew I had at least one thing in common with the people I was meeting.

Sambucus_Nigra

Louise22 wrote: »

No I didn't. They all knew that I had been unwell though. In my defence I was an absolute mess, didn't know whether I was coming or going. At the time I didn't even think about it but now when I think back it was absolutely wrong imo. I had absolutely no contact. Am i really wrong for thinking that if they knew I was unwell they would have at least to have wanted to see me or know how I was?

I have been struggling recently with various things and I have been really honest with people, that I need support and more contact but nothing has changed, despite me spelling it out.

People don't automatically know these things you know!

One piece of advice is 'If you want a friend - be a friend' - I saw it when I was early teens and I've always stood by it. So what do you DO for your friends rather than what do you GET from your friends....

If I meet someone that I want to be my friend then I make it very clear that I like them and I DO things for them. The last friend I made is less than half my age [she in early 20s] and she has turned out to be one of the most wonderful people ever. Would I drop everything if she needed help - yes I would. Would I expect anything of her - nope - I just want her to be my friend. It's that simple. I just enjoy her when she is there wafting through the little bit of my life that I spend in her company.

WeBeBroke

I'm really sorry if what I'm about to say sounds harsh but you seem to be expecting a lot from people who cannot have known you all that well. I may have the wrong end of the stick but you say you moved away from all your friends/family, fell into a depression and then expected new acquaintances to come around and comfort you - even though they didn't realise you were depressed at the time?

My mother went through a period of depression and I think the only reason I persevered with the numerous expensive visits/phonecalls at all hours etc (she lives in Ireland) was that she was my mother and I loved her. Thankfully she got through it but depression is not only hard for the sufferer, it's hard for those around them. Unfortunately people with depression seem to want to bring everyone around them down - they don't respond very well to 'cheering up' so it can feel like a thankless task visiting them. Especially when you don't feel like you are doing any good anyway!

This is why I'm saying it's only an extremely close friend/relative who can be a good support during depression. Unfortunately you were far away from those who could help you.

People respond best to positives, so if you can put yourself out a bit more and instead of expecting people to help you, why don't you try helping others? You sound like you are very wrapped up in yourself and you're isolating yourself from opportunities to meet others. I don't mean that in a nasty way, I mean through your shyness/depression you are making yourself the focus of everything so whatever people do, you are gauging it by the effect it has on yourself. You have to accept the world does not revolve around you and learn that people are not 'ignoring' or 'neglecting' you, they are just tied up in their own lives. Try and break out of this cycle and downward spiral of isolation by getting a bit more involved. If the only people you know are those in work perhaps you could organise a night out or a quiz night or something. It will work wonders for your confidence and self-esteem.
People are more attracted to positive, confident people than negative people who downgrade themselves and have low self-esteem. Harsh and possibly unfair but true.

Again, I really don't mean to insult or be rude to you, it is the depression affecting you and making you feel unwanted and unloved. But you need to beat it and doing something positive and good for someone will really help. Don't let those who have badly affected you in the past shape your future.

WBB

Louise22

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

People don't automatically know these things you know!

One piece of advice is 'If you want a friend - be a friend' - I saw it when I was early teens and I've always stood by it. So what do you DO for your friends rather than what do you GET from your friends....

If I meet someone that I want to be my friend then I make it very clear that I like them and I DO things for them. The last friend I made is less than half my age [she in early 20s] and she has turned out to be one of the most wonderful people ever. Would I drop everything if she needed help - yes I would. Would I expect anything of her - nope - I just want her to be my friend. It's that simple. I just enjoy her when she is there wafting through the little bit of my life that I spend in her company.

I AM a good friend to people, I know I am, thats why this p1sses me off so much. To me friendship is a 2 way thing - if its all take without give then thats not a friendship to me.

MrandMrsB

Ah that's how it was when I was young: our neighbours had the time to spare to support each other! Now life has become so complicated that nobody has the time to spare anymore, and people are inclined to be more interested in what's happening in a fictional world of TV drama than in real life drama.

I was raised in a lovely tree lined avenue and most of our neighbours were dear friends and felt more like family members than neighbours. My grandparents, aunts and cousins lived in the same road so that provided even more security and warmth.

An example was when our next door neighbour's mind went rather suddenly upon hearing that her sister had been killed in a freak accident. Obviously we thought she would recover and would be able to continue to live in her home. After discussing the situation with her / our GP (this would not be allowed nowadays!) and her brother in law, my mother, my siblings and I made sure she was safe: removed her burnt pans from the stove, made sure she ate properly, told her to get dressed when she wandered around naked, made sure she remembered to go to bed.......sadly she did not recover her faculties.

When my grandparents / aunts' next door neighbour who had four children, lost her sea captain husband at sea, my grandfather became a substitute father to them, doing all the things with the boys that real fathers do (like making a sledge, helping to build a den in the garden, building a bonfire, fixing their bikes), and my aunts were like extra mothers to them. They were considered to be family members rather than neighbours, and still are to this day.

I still yearn for that kind of society. Maybe you do too. This is making me feel very sad......have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

Louise22

WeBeBroke wrote: »

I'm really sorry if what I'm about to say sounds harsh but you seem to be expecting a lot from people you cannot have known you all that well. I may have the wrong end of the stick but you say you moved away from all your friends/family, fell into a depression and then expected new acquaintances to come around and comfort you - even though they didn't realise you were depressed at the time?

My mother went through a period of depression and I think the only reason I persevered with the numerous expensive visits/phonecalls at all hours etc (she lives in Ireland) was that she was my mother and I loved her. Thankfully she got through it but depression is not only hard for the sufferer, it's hard for those around them. Unfortunately people with depression seem to want to bring everyone around them down - they don't respond very well to 'cheering up' so it can feel like a thankless task visiting them. Especially when you don't feel like you are doing any good anyway!

This is why I'm saying it's only an extremely close friend/relative who can be a good support during depression. Unfortunately you were far away from those who could help you.

People respond best to positives, so if you can put yourself out a bit more and instead of expecting people to help you, why don't you try helping others? You sound like you are very wrapped up in yourself and you're isolating yourself from opportunities to meet others. I don't mean that in a nasty way, I mean through your shyness/depression you are making yourself the focus of everything so whatever people do, you are gauging it by the effect it has on yourself. You have to accept the world does not revolve around you and learn that people are not 'ignoring' or 'neglecting' you, they are just tied up in their own lives. Try and break out of this cycle and downward spiral of isolation by getting a bit more involved. If the only people you know are those in work perhaps you could organise a night out or a quiz night or something. It will work wonders for your confidence and self-esteem.
People are more attracted to positive, confident people than negative people who downgrade themselves and have low self-esteem. Harsh and possibly unfair but true.

Again, I really don't mean to insult or be rude to you, it is the depression affecting you and making you feel unwanted and unloved. But you need to beat it and doing something positive and good for someone will really help. Don't let those who have badly affected you in the past shape your future.

WBB

Thanks.

I have known them for nearly 5 years so they are not new friends. Well, I don't think so anyway. They did know I was depressed and struggling. I was meant to be going on holiday with them and my bf, all in a big group but wasn't well enough to go.

I agree with a lot of what you write but even my oldest friend of 15 years didn't give too much of a !!!!!!! I know I need to put myself out there and I am going to do my very best. I just wanted to know if anyone had ever felt this way.

I find it difficult to not let things in the past eat into the present.

creditcard123

Do you have 1 good friend maybe someone you grew up with that is always there even if its at the end of a phone or a keyboard.
Or a sister or a cousin or an aunt. Even your BF.

Friends come in lots of different shapes, sizes, which fit in with your life at different times. The girls i was at school with I only ever hear from at Christmas or if one of us arranges a reunion, last one was 5 years ago. Colleagues I worked with years ago I may call/email from time to time. I get on really well with everyone at my work but I dont socialise with them. I have 4 sis-in-laws who we occassionally have a night out. At this moment in my life the biggest circle of friends I have are my "mum" friends. The mums I have met over the last 18 years that I have been a mum. I have 5 children and I know the majority of their friend's mums and that is who I socialise with and go to for advise and moan about children/husbands.

I think you need to look at what you do have , you say you have a laugh with people at work why not try and organise a night out, thay usually end up good fun. Or some of BF friends ask if any of the girls want to make a monthly girls night out or shopping or whatever you enjoy. Also Plans all plans had a good idea with Zumba that looks good.
Just go out and enjoy yourself and if you make a few close friends on the way then thats a bonus if not at least you went out and enjoyed yourself with acquaintances which sometimes grow into BFF
Wishing you lots of luck:grouphug:

podperson

I think most people have felt like this - I know I have! Have also just noticed your location - I used to live about 1/2hr away from Manchester and am now in Edinburgh, small world Which one is your current one?

WeBeBroke

Louise22 wrote: »

Thanks.

I have known them for nearly 5 years so they are not new friends. Well, I don't think so anyway. They did know I was depressed and struggling. I was meant to be going on holiday with them and my bf, all in a big group but wasn't well enough to go.

I agree with a lot of what you write but even my oldest friend of 15 years didn't give too much of a !!!!!!! I know I need to put myself out there and I am going to do my very best. I just wanted to know if anyone had ever felt this way.

I find it difficult to not let things in the past eat into the present.

Well that is longer than I thought and yes they should have been more thoughtful. Easy for me to say but try not to let them get to you. they're not brilliant friends obviously but don't cut them off quite yet - they may lead to others!
What does your boyfriend think? Is he supportive of you?
I'd repeat what others said about trying to make a social life of your own rather than your bf's friends. They may assume that he is helping you and that they'd just be interfering or getting in the way.
As someone who has moved here around 8 years ago, I do think there is such a thing as 'English Reserve' - people here do have an awful fear of being intrusive. When asked they will do anything for you but sometimes it's hard to ask outright! And hints don't always work

I hope it works out for you hun and hope your mother is fine now. Moving away from home and your support network can be very hard. I found it hard moving to London but luckily over the years found good colleagues who are now firm friends, and later when my children went to school, have great 'parent' friends. You make friends at any point in your life - as long as you're open to the possibilities.

Best of luck, WBBx