Son's preferring dad's house

Yorkie1234

I thought I'd post on here to hopefully get some impartial advice/thoughts as at the moment I'm finding things hard.

Up to March this year when the matrimonial house was finally sold I, my 2 son's (6 and 9) and my ex-husband shared the house. We moved into our own house and ex into his a couple of miles away in March. The boys were spending 3 nights at his although I had to change the nights during the week to just evenings as ex wasn't getting them to bed at a reasonable time (11pm) and my youngest son's teacher had mentioned that he was very tired at school.

It's got to the stage now that they boys just want to go to his house at the times when they're here with me, in addition to the times they go to his. He lets them do what they want, never tells them off, no set bedtimes even when school, feeds them junk, lets them boss him about etc. Does whatever they want whenever they want.

I know I shouldn't as I'm a grown up but I feel very hurt by the boys preferring him as he's let them down so many times when we were sharing the house. Many many times I've had to comfort them when he's lied about coming home at the certain time, not returning from work until the following morning without telling them and switching his phone off when he used to go out in the evening so they couldn't contact him.

The oldest now tells me it's boring here (at my house). It I wont do what he wants he tells me that Daddy would do it.

It's getting me really down and the more upset I feel the more I'm finding it hard to be loving towards the boys. And when they want to go to his house and I say 'No, you're seeing him tomorrow' it's like I'm forcing them to be with me.

aliasojo

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

I know I shouldn't as I'm a grown up but I feel very hurt by the boys preferring him as he's let them down so many times when we were sharing the house.

Step back a minute. The boys don't prefer him, they prefer being able to do what they want. What kid wouldn't?

What you do about it is a hard one. I take it a sit down serious chat with your ex wouldn't bring the desired results?

CountingPennies

Hi Yorkie1234

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Let me tell you my story......

My husband and i won custody for his 2 daughters when they were 1 and 4. The are now 8 and 11. I've gone through many difficult patches when it comes to the girls. A lot of people don't understand this but i see them as my own daughters. I have a son with my husband and believe me he gets treated no different to the girls at all. Anyway, long story short, i know where you are coming from. The girls see their mam around 6 times a year for a week or 2 at a time. And everytime they came back i would get "we don't have to tidy up at mams house, we don't have to go to bed at mams house" and other stuff which i'm sure you have heard yourself. Because i've brought them up for being so little, this used to really really upset me as i thought they didn't want to live with me anymore. They really are my world. Anyway, fast forward a few years and this is what i can tell you. THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

The 11 year old now loves going to her mams house. But she LOVES to come home. The 8 year old is now doing exactly what your son is doing, but because i have already been through this with one i now have the experience to deal with it. You need to let it all go over your head. Kids NEED stability and a loving home. They need to be "told off" to learn right from wrong. They need to earn the value of stuff, ie, work for their treats, pocket money ect. No good handing it to them on a plate. They need their sleep, evidence of this comes from your sons teachers. If they are tired at school, then they aren't gonna have the concentration to learn what they need to get through this life. Yeah its hard. But you know what, in a couple of years when you see your sons growing into nice, clever young men, you know that you gave them that and you can give yourself a pat on the back.

You love your kids. You want the best for them. You are giving them a safe, happy and loving home. Thats what matters. Give yourself a big well done. Your doing just fine. I've been there before, and now i'm back there again. Make sure you have the right support for yourself, because you need it too. You can always PM if you need to chat.

xxx

Mojisola

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

It's got to the stage now that they boys just want to go to his house at the times when they're here with me, in addition to the times they go to his. He lets them do what they want, never tells them off, no set bedtimes even when school, feeds them junk, lets them boss him about etc. Does whatever they want whenever they want.

Honestly, they don't prefer him, they prefer living without rules - most children of this age would!

It's a very difficult situation for you but you're the only grown-up in this situation - your ex certainly isn't behaving like one - and you will have to stand your ground. You are doing what you know is best for them.

Kittendreich

I can offer another point of view. I am a step-mum & my step-daughter has said on a few occassions that it is boring at mummy's house and she wants to live with us. I had to explain to her that if she did stay with us all the time it would be very different to how it is when she stays now - she only stays with us occassionally at the weekend and sometimes in the school holidays (although we see her regularly throughout the week) - so she does get to stay up later, not have many chores/homework to do, we have nice stuff to eat and she gets most of our attention. I explained that if she was with us all the time she would have a proper bed time, chores to do and wouldn't get all of our attention - i.e. just like it is at mums! She hasn't asked for a while now so I think that made sense to her (9years old).

You just have to take it with a pinch of salt - doing anything you like as a child is fun, but it isn't good for you - particularly when it affects school. As saida bove - it isn't him they love more, just the freedom to get away with anything! If you have sorted out the school nights (if not they have to be addressed) and he only has them at weekends then I'd just grit your teeth and know you are being a better parent and have their interests ahead of your own - they will thank you for it one day.

Yorkie1234

Thanks for all your replies. I was finding it hard to separate the fact that it's the freedom etc that they like and felt that it was him they preferred.

aliasojo - unfortunately a serious talk with the ex wouldn't help. tbh I think he would enjoy the idea that they prefer his house. I've tried in the past to talk to him about their bedtimes but he says it's not his fault and blames them for not going to bed when he asks (not tells) them!

stueyandkatie - you're so right about them needing stability. They don't get any at his house. I've noticed their behaviour isn't as good at it was especially the oldest. I've had to tell him off for being cheeky and I'm constantly reminding them about 'please' and 'thankyou' as they get away with it at ex's house. Unfortunately I don't have the support hence posting on here. Most of the people I know are married and wouldn't understand how hard it is to be without my son's - they just think I'm lucky to be getting a break!

Mojisola - you're right about standing my ground. I have been tempted to let them go to his when they've wanted to simply because I felt that I forcing them to stay with me when they don't want to, but I'm going to see it more that they are being brought up right with me and that'll be better for them in the long run.

Kittendreich - I think you were very decent to explain to your step-daughter that it wouldn't be that much different if she stayed at yours full time. Unfortunately my ex would never do this and he would enjoy knowing that they want to be at his house rather than mine. I've sorted out the school nights. They used to stay over at his and he would then take them to school the next day. But since they haven't been getting enough sleep (and no breakfast on one occasion) he still picks them up from school but brings them back here before 8pm so they can go straight to bed.

MsHoarder

From a younger perspective, when I joined my husbands family my BIL was 8 or 9 (we're 10 years older than him, and the divorce only happened when DH was an older teenager). Whilst rules are the same at both of his parents' houses, he has gone through phases of prefering one house or the other, depending on what computer game he's into, who he's playing with, school bus timetable, parent's current partner etc. Importantly he has always known that he's welcome at both, and as long as he saw both parents every week was free to choose. This has led to upset (that he didn't see) for the parents on occasion, but it has meant he always felt he had a home with both of them.

As long as they aren't in the position of not seeing you, let them be free to choose and it will swing back and forth for the next few years. It isn't their fault that they have two homes with associated toys and rules to choose between, so let them enjoy that rather than making it a point for contention.

Yorkie1234

MsHoarder - when we first moved we tried just to go with the flow and let the boys go to their dad's whenever they wanted to but it didn't work. They didn't have any structure, never knew where they were going to be at any time etc. Also if I told them 'No' then straight away they would say that they wanted to go to their dad's because they knew that he would just give in to them. It's not a case of them having different rules at each house as they don't have any at all at their dad's hence why they want to go all the time. I'm not making it a point of contention I just want to spend time with my boys and for them to be brought up well, with boundaries.

minimoneysaver

Have you thought about asking him to attend mediation with you? It sounds like you have a lot to discuss.

3v3

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

...

... my 2 son's (6 and 9) ...

The oldest now tells me it's boring here (at my house). It I wont do what he wants he tells me that Daddy would do it.

It's getting me really down and the more upset I feel the more I'm finding it hard to be loving towards the boys. And when they want to go to his house and I say 'No, you're seeing him tomorrow' it's like I'm forcing them to be with me.

Of course it hurts, only natural.

But, they are only 6 & 9yo. They have no concept of how calling your home "boring" affects you - why should they? They haven't reached the stage where anyone outside of themselves exists, yet - so do not struggle to be loving towards them for the insensitive things they are saying.

They may say, it's "boring"; they are not saying: "We don't love you; we love Daddy more".

Of course you feel down, you have only moved home 3mths ago! That's a big change that all of you are adjusting to.

You need to remember that children of that age are masters at playing people off to suit their own agenda. They know they can get away with anything at Dad's and they know they can't with you. Children need structure and even if on the face of it they prefer Dad's unstructured ways, they will more likely feel secure when they are with you.

Try not to worry about how many times your ex let you down; if that is a part of his character, before long, your sons will come to realise he is like that too. They'll still love him (and so they should, he's their Daddy) but they will realise he is unreliable. But that is in the future when they can reason these things out.

For now, accept that by sticking to the contact arrangements is not "forcing" them to be with you
Have a think about how you structure your time with them at home. Could you make the time they are with you more interesting: for example, the best thing you can give *any* child is attention! Instead of TV's/computer games, sit down and have a game of something instead - a game where you have to interact with each other. Or go in the garden and have a kick about with a football (wear the blighters out so they *want* to go to bed at a reasonable hour ) Go for a picnic instead of having tea indoors. Bake cakes/biscuits with them. Anything which is stimulating, non predictable, doesn't cost much but does give them your full, undivided, attention.

paddy's_mum

Mojisola wrote: »

You are doing what you know is best for them.

I couldn't agree more!

OP - would it help you to work your way through this little scenario?

After waiting years to be in a position to do so, a man has bought a longed for puppy. He thinks the world of it, nothing is too much trouble or expense. However, he thinks it cruel to force a dog to wear a collar and be "dragged round by it's neck" and he is quite sure the pup will be happier as a free spirit.

The lady who lives next door buys a litter sister. From day one, the lady keeps her pup on a collar and lead, trains it not to jump out of the car when it chooses, and has already had her garden securely fenced. She loves her little dog to pieces.

When the man's dog is eighteen months old, it runs off after a 'lady-dog' in heat, is hit by a truck, seriously injured, found after laying in the ditch for 12 hours and eventually put to sleep.

Now, which owner do you believe was the more loving, conscientous and honest?

You owe your boys your knowledge and strength especially as they sure as heck aren't going to get much of it from their wally of a father. Hang in there, let their whinging go over your head, and rest assured that you are doing your best for their good, health and welfare ... and that one day they will recognise it.