Son's preferring dad's house

gratefulforhelp_2

stueyandkatie wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Let me tell you my story......

My husband and i won custody for his 2 daughters when they were 1 and 4. The are now 8 and 11. I've gone through many difficult patches when it comes to the girls. A lot of people don't understand this but i see them as my own daughters. I have a son with my husband and believe me he gets treated no different to the girls at all. Anyway, long story short, i know where you are coming from. The girls see their mam around 6 times a year for a week or 2 at a time. And everytime they came back i would get "we don't have to tidy up at mams house, we don't have to go to bed at mams house" and other stuff which i'm sure you have heard yourself. Because i've brought them up for being so little, this used to really really upset me as i thought they didn't want to live with me anymore. They really are my world. Anyway, fast forward a few years and this is what i can tell you. THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

The 11 year old now loves going to her mams house. But she LOVES to come home. The 8 year old is now doing exactly what your son is doing, but because i have already been through this with one i now have the experience to deal with it. You need to let it all go over your head. Kids NEED stability and a loving home. They need to be "told off" to learn right from wrong. They need to earn the value of stuff, ie, work for their treats, pocket money ect. No good handing it to them on a plate. They need their sleep, evidence of this comes from your sons teachers. If they are tired at school, then they aren't gonna have the concentration to learn what they need to get through this life. Yeah its hard. But you know what, in a couple of years when you see your sons growing into nice, clever young men, you know that you gave them that and you can give yourself a pat on the back.

You love your kids. You want the best for them. You are giving them a safe, happy and loving home. Thats what matters. Give yourself a big well done. Your doing just fine. I've been there before, and now i'm back there again. Make sure you have the right support for yourself, because you need it too. You can always PM if you need to chat.

xxx

What a brilliant post :T

meritaten

I think its a case of 'My House My Rules'. kids adapt quickly, and if you calmly tell them that in Your house they play by the rules - they will! if they say that they can do it at dads - then remind them they arent at dads! they at your Yours! and tough t!tty, Your house has rules!!!

They are still young enough that they will accept this as the 'norm'. and as they get older, will prob realise that staying up til all hours at dads - means they get into trouble or are too tired to do fun things at school next day.
It's early days yet hun - try not to take it personally as Dad is prob doing this deliberately to make you out the ogre and him the fun one! It WILL backfire on him - one day he will want them to go to bed when he says - and they wont! NOT your prob!

make_me_wise

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

It's got to the stage now that they boys just want to go to his house at the times when they're here with me, in addition to the times they go to his. He lets them do what they want, never tells them off, no set bedtimes even when school, feeds them junk, lets them boss him about etc. Does whatever they want whenever they want.

I know I shouldn't as I'm a grown up but I feel very hurt by the boys preferring him as he's let them down so many times when we were sharing the house. Many many times I've had to comfort them when he's lied about coming home at the certain time, not returning from work until the following morning without telling them and switching his phone off when he used to go out in the evening so they couldn't contact him.

You need to speak to you other half and agree that you will parent the boys in the same way. So this will send a clear message to your children that as far as their well-being and needs are concerned you two are a united front. At the moment your ex-husbands behaviour is undermining all your efforts to care for your boys properly.

Your husband is failing your boys by letting them run riot, go to bed late and eat a rubbish diet. It will be doing them no favours at all. Children need routine, structure and discipline. They also need a good, healthy diet and plenty of sleep.

Im not surprised the school raised concerns. There have been many children in the classes I have taught where children can barely stay awake, such were their haphazard bedtime routines. It causes them to fall behind and really struggle. Which has a knock on effect with their confidence and regretably they dont reach their full potential.

Your children are possibly suffering alot of anxiety and upset over living apart from their dad. They are pushing every button they can and kicking back with the one parent they know deep down they can always rely on. The way they are treating you is not on and I am sure you address it with them, you come across as a great mum. Part of it though will be their need to know they can say these things and that you will love them unconditionally. Deep down I doubt they feel they could do that with their dad.

Have a ((((hug))) hun I bet you need one.

3v3

meritaten wrote: »

... - try not to take it personally as Dad is prob doing this deliberately to make you out the ogre and him the fun one! It WILL backfire on him -

Yup! From personal experience, I know this to be true.

Keep faith with yourself and your values - you are doubting yourself when you don't need to. Sounds to me like your confidence has been knocked and you really do need a bit of reassurance that the way you are dealing with things is ok - it is

paddy's_mum

3v3 wrote: »

you really do need a bit of reassurance that the way you are dealing with things is ok - it is

IT IS!!!! Good luck.

CountingPennies

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

What a brilliant post :T

Aww....thankyou!

ashaput

aliasojo wrote: »

Step back a minute. The boys don't prefer him, they prefer being able to do what they want. What kid wouldn't?

Agreed. If you want them to feel the same feeling as they are in their dad's house, I think you need to give them a break time. Or if you want to not worry about the way how their dad treat their boys, I think it is your time to talk to your ex. Just discuss about how you two treat your boys. Need to say don't have chld on my own, I just ever heard that if a separated parent have pretty different treatment to their children, it will impact on their children.

SpikyHedgehog

Yorkie1234, my husband left us earlier this year so I've been discussing how it could impact on my children (15yrs & 8yrs, both boys). Both of my colleagues who've been through 2 households & 2 different sets of rules as your sons are going through (even though it feels as though there are no rules at dad's house!) have agreed that though it might have seemed cool at the time to have fewer rules at one parent's house, they now know that the parent with more rules had their best interests at heart.

Oh, my colleagues are now 19 & 20! So it doesn't take long before they see what's going on!

I was already working with a Family Support Worker at DS2's school as we're going through an ASD assessemnt for him, and she's had some really useful advice for the situation we're now in. I worked with the boys to set our family rules and agree their daily & weekly chores, then I printed them off and stuck them up on the sitting room door so al can see them, including dad even if he just comes to the front door. I've taken the idea we use at school and have a home-home diary so I can write in it 'Bill's asthma has been playing up, please give him his reliever inhaler if he seems out of breath (2 puffs of blue inhaler)'. I've written their bedtimes inside the front cover after having them come home an hour after DS2's bedtime on school nights... The idea is that dad or the boys will write in it to let me know 'Took boys for a 6 mile jog today/gave them huge ice creams & candy floss at the fair today/ Johnny fell over & has grazed knees today'. Not happening yet but at least my ideas are in writing!

Another thought, I see that you've only had the seperate homes since March - looking back, did you do most of the routine parenting stuff before then? (I know I alwasy have!) How really aware of all the routine stuff do you think dad is? While you were living in the same house, who did bedtime and who dealt with grumpy boys from late bedtimes...? Worth thinking about!

gratefulforhelp_2

make_me_wise wrote: »

You need to speak to you other half and agree that you will parent the boys in the same way. So this will send a clear message to your children that as far as their well-being and needs are concerned you two are a united front. At the moment your ex-husbands behaviour is undermining all your efforts to care for your boys properly.

Your husband is failing your boys by letting them run riot, go to bed late and eat a rubbish diet. It will be doing them no favours at all. Children need routine, structure and discipline. They also need a good, healthy diet and plenty of sleep.

I completely agree with this and with your comments about bedtimes and school.

But...there are many exes who wouldn't dream of taking any kind of comment on how they are parenting...however rightful the comment was. Hoping OP doesn't have one of those, but...

belfastgirl23

Even the nicest of children are very very smart about finding ways to manipulate their parents to get what they want. This is exactly what your kids are doing at the minute. At another time you would probably find it much easier to see it for what it is, but you're feeling vulnerable at the minute and that's clouding your judgement. You need to take a big step back from the situation and every time they say 'but dad says' remind yourself that they're only saying it to try to get something they want. The worst thing you can do is react. Besides anything else, do you want your kids to be the kind of people who manipulate to get what they want?

BTW as a grown up child of divorce, I have perspective on this. There were things both my parents did right (and wrong) and I can be reasonably clear headed about this. Your kids will be the same.

And medium term as well if your ex doesn't have rules he will reap the rewards of this (kids more unruly etc in his house).

BTW you don't have an ex MIL or SIL you might be able to get on side with this?? Just a thought...