Son's preferring dad's house

FatVonD

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Even the nicest of children are very very smart about finding ways to manipulate their parents to get what they want.

So true.

OP, you're not alone, my son loves going to his dad's because there are no rules. I know it's not because he prefers his dad's company to mine because he barely sees him on his weekends there because his dad is sat on the computer downstairs while he's upstairs playing on the X box with his stepbrother. There have been times when they've still been watching TV at 1am and he comes home with bags under his eyes and then I'm Mrs Unpopular for making him have an early night before school on Monday.

Flip it to the other side and my stepdaughter who despite loving to come here, (especially on her own as she gets to experience being an 'only' child if the boys are elsewhere) is not above telling us that they ate in restaurants every night when she was on holiday with her mum (we were half board) etc etc. They'll all try it on given the chance, the hardest bit is to not let them see that they have upset you

Yorkie1234

Some really good points have been raised and there are some things I need to change. For example I need to try and get some of the boring stuff out of the way when they're at their dads and try and make it more fun for them here. I've been a bit down and combined with getting the house sorted (diy) maybe haven't given them as much attention as I could have. As a start I've just booked a hotel for Sat night and am going to take them to the seaside when I pick them up from their dads on Sat.

Unfortunately speaking with ex wouldn't make any difference. He's an extremely spoilt person who always thinks he is right. He wont take any responsibility for his actions. In fact he even blames the boys for not going to bed earlier. He had no problem telling me that they went to bed at 11pm because, in his words 'Well I kept asking them if they wanted to go to bed but they said no'. I pointed out that he should be telling and making sure that they go didn't make any difference.

I have wondered if he's doing this on purpose as when we shared the house before we moved he was constantly undermining me. If I said 'no' to something he would go behind my back and give it to them. I remember one day I had cooked dinner for them and was just serving it when the youngest asked him for a packet of crisps and he gave him one. I was then the bad guy when I took it off him. As for getting the ex MIL or SIL on side, this wouldn't happen. His mother hates me with a passion - did from the moment she met me years ago. She's very possessive of him and hasn't like any woman he's seen. He's an only child so unfortunately no other relatives - just him and his mother.

I'm going to try and let this pass over me and try not to get upset any more about it.

THanks

Mojisola

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

Some really good points have been raised and there are some things I need to change. For example I need to try and get some of the boring stuff out of the way when they're at their dads and try and make it more fun for them here. I've been a bit down and combined with getting the house sorted (diy) maybe haven't given them as much attention as I could have. As a start I've just booked a hotel for Sat night and am going to take them to the seaside when I pick them up from their dads on Sat.

This is good up to a point - just don't get into a contest with the ex over who can make their house more fun.

You are doing the right thing by parenting your boys properly. Trust yourself!

sharpy2010

Yorkie1234 wrote: »

I thought I'd post on here to hopefully get some impartial advice/thoughts as at the moment I'm finding things hard.

Up to March this year when the matrimonial house was finally sold I, my 2 son's (6 and 9) and my ex-husband shared the house. We moved into our own house and ex into his a couple of miles away in March. The boys were spending 3 nights at his although I had to change the nights during the week to just evenings as ex wasn't getting them to bed at a reasonable time (11pm) and my youngest son's teacher had mentioned that he was very tired at school.

It's got to the stage now that they boys just want to go to his house at the times when they're here with me, in addition to the times they go to his. He lets them do what they want, never tells them off, no set bedtimes even when school, feeds them junk, lets them boss him about etc. Does whatever they want whenever they want.

I know I shouldn't as I'm a grown up but I feel very hurt by the boys preferring him as he's let them down so many times when we were sharing the house. Many many times I've had to comfort them when he's lied about coming home at the certain time, not returning from work until the following morning without telling them and switching his phone off when he used to go out in the evening so they couldn't contact him.

The oldest now tells me it's boring here (at my house). It I wont do what he wants he tells me that Daddy would do it.

It's getting me really down and the more upset I feel the more I'm finding it hard to be loving towards the boys. And when they want to go to his house and I say 'No, you're seeing him tomorrow' it's like I'm forcing them to be with me.

Tell your kids to sod off then, you'll soon find they change their attitude when you start being like that!

Mupette

awww been there seen it got the t-shirt.

Ex was the nice guy, the junk food the sweets, i got the sick during the night, having to take the next day off work because childminder/school wouldnt take a child who was sick.

Guess where DS is now, in his bedroom fast asleep here in my home.
(amazing turns 16 and can sleep for england)

DS can do what he likes at his fathers, but gets nagged alot now, who you talking to on facebook, who are these people in your email address book, do you know these people etc... (all school friends and cadet friends and friends of mine we all watch each others kids on fb)

DS is only now starting to go out and be sociable, i give the careful what you drink you are responsable for your actions talk, he gets a constant lecture off his dad and then his dad repeats ... driving ds up the wall.

I swear the ex fed ds what he wanted knowing what would happen, i would get the hyper sick child... i went to town on him once about it and he just laughed.

Kids will see what a burk their dad is...

Yorkie1234

Mojisola - don't worry won't go over the top although your post made me smile as a picture popped into my head of my house festooned with balloons and me dressed up as a clown trying to make it fun here!

Mupette - from the posts I've received it does seem like this is quite common for ex's to do this so am not alone in this.

I'll just keep on making it pleasant in my house and ensure that the boys are brought up properly here and, hopefully, the boys will realise what's what when they're older.

Thanks

RadoJo

Bear in mind that almost every child will at one point or other tell their parents that so-and-so's Mum is really cool because she lets them do x,y or z, or the old chestnut of 'everybody else's parents said yes/let them stay up till midnight/let them eat chocolate for breakfast'. This doesn't mean that they really prefer their friends' parents, just that they want their own way and will use any excuse to try and persuade you. Being a good parent is about more than winning your kids approval for being 'cool', and whilst they might enjoy having the freedom to do what they want at their Dad's, kids do crave structure and consistency. If they knew what was best for themselves, they wouldn't need parents after all!

Fire_Fox

Has your child's teacher put her concerns about the effect of tiredness on your son's education into writing? If so send a copy to your ex and ask if he has any ideas how you could tackle this together.

Yorkie1234

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Has your child's teacher put her concerns about the effect of tiredness on your son's education into writing? If so send a copy to your ex and ask if he has any ideas how you could tackle this together.

No she hasn't. It's only happened on two occasions and the second time ex was there at the school (although I told him about the first time). He knows all about them getting enough sleep but is incapable of getting them to bed at a reasonble time. He just keeps asking them and they ignore him.

He now brings them back to my house on school nights in the evening and they sleep here.

Trying to get him to change is like banging my head against a brick wall. He'll stand there and agree with me that they need their sleep (or not to eat too much junk food as oldest is getting a bit tubby) but will then go away and do whatever's easiest for him.